I'd like to interrupt your regular reading of Hobbit Heartache to tell you a tale. It is a tale of a journey I am currently taking, a journey that most likely will not have a happy ending. After embarking on this journey, well, I can certainly understand how the hobbits feel in their quest to Gondor or wherever the hell they're going. Or how Jessica and Elizabeth felt when they went to Malibu to be au pairs for the summer. Or how Bilbo felt when he went to the sexy Land of the Elves. Or how the twins felt when they went to Paradise Spa and there was a murderous spa director and she...
Seriously, this is what the inside of my head looks like these days, but with less hobbit beer and more cat puke (Money is sick).
They did not discuss their policy for sending resumes for unlisted positions. Nor did it discuss their policy on receiving acceptance letters.
And thus, the adventure begins:
A month goes by. I hear nothing from The Onion, not even from Matt at the office. I start to fret a little bit, because, you know, I'd asked some important questions that needed answers. Time was of the essence, which is why I had marked the envelope as "URGENT" two (2) times. I wanted to shop for my new uniform clothes while the summer dickey sales were still going strong. I also wanted to print a few mock business cards to distribute before the official ones were made because you know I'm all about networking.
The zebra one is perfect for "Casual Friday," right? That's what I was thinking, too. Now, if only The Onion would write me back so I could figure out how many I'd need for my new job. I took a guess and bought six (6).
I kept my head up and continued to maintain my extensive exercise regime. In the midst of a squat series which involved the use of both wooden planks and steel buckets of boiling water, the answer hit me: of COURSE they hadn't replied! I forgot to send them my references! A rookie mistake, one that I really should have known better. But one that can be easily fixed.
The adventure continues. And since all of my previous references have politely asked me not to contact them again, I had to go a different route.
I also remembered to include my resume and "Books Read in 2009" list this time. I wanted to make sure that they knew I could write articles about all kinds of things, like senior cats and kids that live in boxcars and also monsters (both in mythology and real life).
I also of course included my headshot. It's a bit outdated but I think it still accurately conveys my intensity for The Onion.
My deepening depression luckily did not affect our evening spinning classes. 3x a week will do wonders!
(Is two (2) gifs per post pushing the limits? I'm still testing the waters here.)
I reach out my vulnerable and increasingly untoned arms once again.
... And still, nothing. NOTHING. Not even from Joan after I included the first six (6) chapters of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction especially for her. I'd like to blame it on the postal system, but as I just received a new SVH shipment from Amazon, (Wakefield Legacy: The Untold Story, I warmly welcome you into my life), I know it just can't be.
But those who know me know that I do not relent easily. I'm in the midst of a 5,600 word article debating the merits of gray cats over orange ones so I can prove to The Onion that I can be topical as well as informative. And after that, I'm mailing them a collage comprised of both dried and moist onion skins (mostly red, but also yellow and white onion skins for accent) to show my versatility.
It will be five (5) feet tall and bring tears to the eyes of all who gaze upon it.
(If you have any extra onion skins you'd like to contribute, feel free to drop them off at my house anytime, night or day (preferably dawn). My roommate Heather is in charge of the collection, so you can just slide them right under her door or throw them at her window. I will need at least 300.)