|While Jessica is super attracted to Frodo, she finds herself sometimes wishing he had a moustache.|
I think that part of the reason why Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover parody, has resonated so much with the general public (Google Analytics tells me that "Hobbit Heartache" has been Googled not once, but MULTIPLE TIMES) is that it's something everyone can relate to. Everyone. I don't think I know more than 30 or so people who can't relate to the timeless love story of a Spring Break in Middle-earth. But through research, I have been able to identify the demographics in which Hobbit Heartache is the most popular with.
Moms love Hobbit Heartache. I think it's because it's the original Fifty Shades of Grey, only with more hobbits and hair, which makes it naughtier. Moms tell me that they enjoy Merry the best, because his erotic tendencies provide the best book club discussions.
. . ."Being blind did not always bother Merry. In fact, he could recall one particular rousing occasion in which he spent an entire evening blindfolded by the hairy hands of Huge Bracegirdle. He had been forced to crawl on his hands and knees for hours at a time, feeling his furry skin contract with goose flesh as it was tantalized by quail feathers, porcupine quills and a leather hat. It was some of the most thrilling thirteen hours of his life . . " Chapter 8, The Land of the Elves
(He's obviously still thinking about that leather hat.)
Party people obviously love this shit. It speaks to them. They just get that Spring Break-kind-of mentality, where you just want to bake in the sun all day long, drink brandywine until you puke, wake up naked wrapped in a giant spider web, throw on some burlap clothes and do it all over again the next day! Party People tend to identify the most with heavy drinker Samwise or the ambiguously promiscuous Bilbo. They also want Jessica and Frodo to HOOK IT UP.
(Is it true what they say about Bilbo and those forty Elves?)
The Elderly enjoy Hobbit Heartache because it is the classic tale of good versus evil. They hope that good will triumph over evil and that we will all learn several life lessons along the way. The Elderly enjoy the characters of sensible, one-piece wearing Elizabeth and also the dashing, Nazi-hating Georg von Trapp the best.
(Nazis don't exist in Sweet Valley, but if they did, Elizabeth would probably talk some sense into them.)
I'm just guessing on this one, but I don't see any reason why a prisoner would not enjoy this story.
Groups in which Hobbit Heartache is not popular with:
NURSES & DOCTORS
Medical personnel sometimes become angry with Hobbit Heartache because it can be seen as promoting unhealthy life choices. A Cuban cigar is partially smoked by a high school student in one pivotal scene. Characters skinny dip freely without the slightest mention of sunblock application. A horse is roasted and consumed without a trained Dwarf Chef bothering to ensure that it was properly cooked. Honey is used as a sexual balm. Nurses and doctors still like the book, sure, but they wish that it might be a bit more responsible. Medical personnel appreciate Mr. Jaworski, the chaperone, the best.
(But they all secretly have a thing for bad-boy Bruce.)
DIEHARD LORD OF THE RINGS FANS
LOTR fans sometimes get a little angry when they purchase the book thinking it's a companion piece to the LOTR novels, when in fact, I have never read or seen anything related to LOTR. They do not appreciate that Frodo is unaware that he is related to Bilbo and is pursuing a romantic relationship with him. They do not like that Samwise is harboring a hidden addiction to brandywine. And they do not like that the Sweet Valley High characters are now in Middle-earth. Diehard LOTR fans do not have a favorite character, because I have ruined them all.
(You can't tell me they're not happy together.)
FRANCINE PASCAL/ACADEMY AWARD WINNER CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
I think it might be something about the "turning her life's work and masterpiece into erotic fanfiction" and "defamation of character" that might have an effect on their enjoyment of Hobbit Heartache.
(Can't win em all.)
But hey, this chapter goes out to all the PARTY PEOPLE OUT THERE! Come join the gang as they travel to Dwarven for a night of brandywine, roasted horse, and yes, perhaps some sexual-related interactions. Gimli awaits!
Gimli: Always DTF.
(Down to feast. That guy can feast like no other.)
And if you're so very confused about all of this and want to be in the know, well, what better way to spend your summer than inside reading erotic fanfiction chapters on the computer? Get caught up here or here (or just talk to me. I have like 20 copies in my room):
Chapter 1 Chapter 6
Chapter 2 Chapter 7
Chapter 3 Chapter 8
Chapter 4 Chapter 9
Chapter 5 Chapter 10
Warning: Actual NSFW artwork below. (My first true NSFW tag! I should really stop crying wolf about that.)
I'm pretty sure Zak was thrilled to have some actual erotic content to work with. Erotic content and hobbit vomit. I think he handled it tastefully, no?
A Night that Shan't Be Remembered
Frodo stood at the wooden gates of Dwarven peering inside at the din. Dwarven was inhabited by sixty or so stocky and misshapen dwarves, and by the looks of it, they were all present and dancing wildly in the town square. The sun had just barely set, yet the dwarves looked as if they had been rejoicing for many hours' time. Sweat dripped off of their faces and traveled the very short distance to the earth.
“Holy cow,” said Winston, staring with his mouth agape. “They look like they’re on acid.”
“ . . . Or cocaine,” added Bruce, his sheep manure-brown eyes narrowed with suspicion.
“Acid? Do dwarves ingest corrosive agents?” questioned Georg. “It seems like it would lead them to a world of indigestion.”
“They appear as if they have an unlimited supply of brandywine,” whispered Samwise, clutching the gate bars. “How wondrous.”
So stood the weary travelers in silence for a few moments more, taking in the frenzied scene before them.
“Well, are we going to stand here and watch these freaks party, or are we going to join?” asked Bruce, ending the hypnotic moment.
“Yes, Bruce is quite right. Let us enter Dwarven and I shall find my old friend Gimli to see if we can beg hospitality for the evening,” proclaimed Bilbo, marching through the four foot high gates of security.
Frodo followed warily, overwhelmed by the madness. The jarring songs of kettledrums and copper whistles filled the air and a naked dwarf lady danced by and blew Bruce a kiss.
“Bilbo Baggins, you son of a whore! Have you come to feast?” a gruff voice suddenly rang out into the air.