Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Hobbit Heartache, Chapter 13: Samwise Staggers On

Jessica is fairly certain that Samwise's secret is that he's hopelessly in love with her.

When thinking about a Middle-earth Spring Break, a few things instantly come to mind.

-Babes in bikinis (or, as I like to call them, bikini babes)

-Wild nights spent partying around the bonfire (because everyone looks better by the light of the fire; this guy knows what I'm talking 'bout)

-Brief yet passionate hook-ups

-And, of course, feral cats.


But lurking underneath all of this sexy Spring Breaking, there's a dark side. A dangerous side. A musty side. And a side that smells really bad.

I think it's fairly obvious what I'm getting at here.


(Or, more specifically, brandywine addiction in relation to Samwise Hobbit.)

So busted.

Samwise started our story fresh-faced, a man ready to get his epic journey on.

But slowly, slowly, throughout giant spiders, semi-nude Wakefields and hobbit sacrifices, we've seen Samwise fall apart. Brandywine addiction, as some of us know, is not a kindly thing.

. . . Going

                             . . . going

                                        . . . GONE.

And while there are many functioning alcoholics out there . . .

arrested development gif Pictures, Images and Photos
(thank you, filmgirl84 from photobucket!)

Samwise Hobbit is not one of them.

To experience Samwise's downward spiral from the beginning, you've got a lot of clicking to do:

Chapter One               Chapter Seven
Chapter Two               Chapter Eight
Chapter Three             Chapter Nine
Chapter Four               Chapter Ten
Chapter Five                Chapter Eleven          
Chapter Six                  Chapter Twelve

And my literary agent seems to think that I should remind all of you readers (yes, all six [6] of you, and yes, I count myself amongst that elite yet desperately welcoming group) that, while this is indeed Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic adventure parody, I have no prior knowledge of the Lord of the Rings world. No movies viewed, no books read, nothing. This is why Samwise's last name is "Hobbit." No need for helpful emails & diagrams/hate mail, my friendly LOTR fans.

I'm so psyched to finally be able to share Zak's beautiful artwork for this chapter. I think it might be my favorite of the whole book. Had I a fireplace, or even a strong heater, this would certainly be mounted above it.

Chapter Thirteen
Samwise Staggers On

“Ooof,” said Samwise, falling to the ground. “Whoever put that tree there?” He laughed and the sound echoed in his head. ‘Tis like I’m in a cave, he thought. “Hullo, hullo, hullo!” he cried.

“Up you go, Sam,” said Merry, lending him a hair-covered hand to his feet. “We must keep moving. The day has just begun.”

“Thank you, kind friend. Care for a refreshing sip of water?” Sam asked, proffering his goatskin canteen.

Merry’s face became droopy like a rain-soaked weeping willow and he shook his head. Sam caught the eye of Winston, who had been watching the scene unfold from the side.

“Winston? A gulp or two for you? It will ease your hiking woes!” said Sam with a grin as shaky as a hogtied octopus.

“Come on, Merry. We gotta keep walking before Gandalf gets mad,” Winston said, pulling Merry away. “And Sam,” he said quietly over his shoulder, “we all know that’s not water, buddy.”

Samwise stood still and clutched his beloved canteen. He belched and felt the customary hot surge of vomit rising in his throat. He gulped it back and groaned.

“Samwise?” said Elizabeth tentatively from behind. “Are you okay?”

“Quite fine. ‘Tis a healthy hobbit who vomits with frequency,” replied Sam, with the slightest touch of derision in his voice.

He knew very well that Elizabeth was a meddler. She was also a female, and Samwise did not place much trust in females. Not since the time that Vermillia snuck a secret herb into his porridge that caused him to remain erect for three years straight. Yes, ‘twas true that females made him feel rigid with nerves, indeed!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Hobbit Heartache, Chapter 12

Somehow this turned out a lot creepier than I imagined. 

One thing I've learned in the making of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover adventure novel, is that if you write a Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover adventure novel and post chapters of that novel online, you will receive a fair amount of emails about it. After each chapter I post, I receive many emails. They are numerous. Perhaps countless.

Skeptical Gif Pictures, Images and Photos

Definitely at least more than two (2). 

Some of the emails are complimentary ("I don't really get this project, but you seem to be really into it, so I guess that's good"). Some of them are annoying (No, for the millionth time, I do NOT want to be considered for the Pulitzer Prize in Distinguished Fiction! I'm way too busy this year). A few of them are creepy (Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield would never, EVER be into a hobbit orgy, no matter how many people suggest it. Of this I am somewhat sure). Many are from my Mom ("That artwork sure is interesting, Sammi"). But the vast majority of emails are from readers like yourselves demanding more Bruce Patman. 

This is a request that I understand. 

For we all know that Bruce Patman is the hottest hunk in all of Sweet Valley High. He's rich. An all-star tennis player. Owns multiple cashmere sweaters. Plus, he's a senior! Of course you want more of him. Up until now, he's been overshadowed by other less hunkly-hunks like Frodo, Samwise and Gandalf. 


Yes, Merry; we're all happy about this. You perv. 

If you're in the mood for a chapter that's filled with drama, suspense, Aragorn in leather and most of all, a naked Bruce Patman, look no further! 

Bruce awaits. 

Again, I must warn you: slightly (or maybe more than slightly) NSFW drawing below. Zak's really hit his stride, huh? I think it's because I finally let him draw male genitalia. Worth the wait!

Chapter 12

“Bruce. Bruce. Wake yourself. We must leave in but a moment’s time!” Bilbo cried, shaking Bruce’s shoulders.

“Mmmm, yeah, baby. I bet I make you feel so good,” murmured Bruce.

“Young Bruce. 'Tis not the proper occasion for such sentiments. Time is short and we must leave!” exclaimed Bilbo, shoving Bruce and waking him fully.

Bruce groaned. “Yeah, yeah; calm down. It’s too early for this.”

He sat up and realized that not only had he had been sharing his twig bed with a naked dwarf lady, but he was still partially inside of her. He hated when that happened. He removed himself with a grimace.

Sorry, 1BRUCE1. You deserve so much better, he thought ruefully.