It's All a Blur Last Night...

So what'd you do the other night? Oh, that's cool. Now guess what I did?

I WENT TO A KATY PERRY CONCERT!

(...and I just lost the respect of half my readers. I will miss you three [3]).

Right now you're probably saying something along the lines of "What?! But you're so sophisticated and mature! And you have but the finest of tastes! And your choices in music are impeccable! And you sing like an angel! And your rhetoric rivals that of Protagoras!"

Well, geez; first of all, thank you. It's true. All of that. But we all have our guilty pleasures. Besides KP, my other guilty pleasures include the extreme amount of enjoyment that I receive from watching America's Next Top Model, dressing our cats up in costumes (duh), and those dessert buns that you get in Chinatown.

(Do you know how hesitant I was to Google Image "Asian buns"? My creepy search history grows.)

About six (6) months ago, my roommates Heather and Velvet and my friend Eric and I decided to buy Katy Perry concert tickets on a whim. We justified it to ourselves by saying we were purchasing them in a ironical, humorous kind of way, but really, after you spend $40.00 on a ticket in the nosebleeds, the joke's on you. And we were way, way too excited to pretend that it was a joke.

This was us. But more excited. And less bangs. And mostly no gloves.

We had promised ourselves that we'd spend those six months diligently learning KP's prolific music library. Never happened. Learning all of her songs seemed like a lot of work for a guilty pleasure.

I am sorry Katy Perry, but it's true.

But we made up for a lack of song lyrics with an embarrassing amount of enthusiasm for our costumes.

Velvet was a "California Gurls" summer beachy neon-esque Katy Perry.

Same thing. And why yes, we DID just win a dodgeball championship and a massive trophy! Thank you for noticing. And yes, this is obviously our maid's week off.

Heather decided to honor Katy Perry's most sophisticated piece of literature, "Peacock."

Dead on.

And I saw a picture of Katy Perry in this dress and figured it would be easy to replicate.

Our friends make fun of us for having a huge costume trunk, but seriously, it comes in handy on an almost weekly basis.

And then there was Eric...

We only forced him to wear the sequined tube top. He showed up at our house with the pink wig; I swear!

With pink wigs, sequins and glitter donned, it was off to the Air Canada Centre we went!

So at a Katy Perry concert, you'd think you'd see lots of other people dressed up in outrageous costumes, right? Yeah, no. It was not so. We received open-mouthed stares the entire night, and lots of people stopped us to take pictures of us, especially Heather.

But I do recognize the fact that not everyone has an oversized costume trunk at home (how do you people live?! Please, tell me how), and of course appreciate any effort that is put into costuming. I thought these homemade Katy Perry sunglasses were really cute. These gals sat in front of us with their Mom and very accurately represent the average age of most in attendance.

After an impressive opening performance by Marina and the Diamonds, the waiting for Katy Perry began. We had to endure a way-too-long "performance" by a guy named "DJ Skeet Skeet." (Really? DJ Skeet Skeet? REALLY?) My friends and I cringed at the thought of the 13- year-old crowd jamming to a guy named DJ Skeet Skeet. He kept the audience entertained with such thought-provoking queries as "Who here likes summer?" and "Does anyone here have Facebook?" We began to feel ashamed by our very presence at the concert.

Does anyone here hate annoying dj's?

And then, when we could bear the questions of DJ Skeet Skeet no more, our lady finally arrived. But not until after a ten (10) minute bizarre video featuring Will Sasso from Mad TV played, focusing on Katy Perry trying to find her lost cat, Kitty Purry. This video would continue playing throughout the night during song breaks. Oh joy.

She opened with "Teenage Dream" and the arena exploded with screams.

All from this guy.

And so the show began! It was exactly what you would expect from a Katy Perry concert:

-Practical costumes bordering on the austere

-Minimalist sets

-And a mature and intensely intelligent crowd

As KP ran through her hits, we quickly began to notice a pattern. Katy Perry gyrated onstage with her dancers, we blushed and hoped the 13-year-olds had their eyes closed. Katy Perry bantered with the crowd, we cringed at the inappropriate sexual innuendos. And I was fully prepared for this, because, you know, it's Katy Perry. But the pre-teens! Shouldn't the young, impressionable pre-teens be at home listening to The Beach Boys?! (Answer: Yes.)

MOST CRINGE-INDUCING MOMENTS AT THE KATY PERRY CONCERT

-Doing a bit with her backup dancer who was dressed as a slot machine for "Waking up In Vegas": "Hi Slot. Oh, did you think I called you Slut? It's okay to call you Slut because we're friends! That's what friends do!" Gah. Must restrain self from telling young seatmates to disregard this advice.

-Passing an imaginary joint to her backup dancer while singing "I know a place, where the grass is really greener," in "California Gurls." ILLEGAL.

-Doing motions with the microphone that I do not care to elaborate on while singing "I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock." Use your imagination for this one.

-Before singing a ballad, asking "Does anyone here ever feel depressed?" to which the 13-year- old crowd responded with a huge 'YAYYYY!!!!!" Then I felt depressed.

Katy Perry, you make me feel awkward in front of children.

Oh, and remember how I said the audience was composed of all 13 year olds? Well, I lied. There were also a few older gentlemen in the house. Including a charming one who sat next to Velvet and had a pair of binoculars trained on Katy Perry the entire concert. On her dazzling set of teeth, I'm sure.

Velvet, stop smiling! You're sitting next to a pervert!

Awkward moments aside, it was a really fun concert. We were on our feet for all of the hits and sang along full force. Katy Perry continuously told us how much she loves Toronto (I'm sure she doesn't say that to every city she visits, right?) and I was actually very impressed with how well she sang live. She was silly, mostly charming and definitely put on a good show. She knew to keep it light and fun and never try to be too serious.

Don't look at me like that, Katy Perry. It's not that you can't be serious; it's just that you're more fun when you're not.

The grand finale was "Firework," and though I am very easily impressed, I was EXTREMELY impressed. I mean, there were fireworks going off INSIDE, you guys! I think every person was on their feet, including the parents and the pervert.

And stop worrying! Katy Perry was reunited with Kitty Purry, so there was a happy ending for everyone.

THANK GOD. Who wouldn't want to be reunited with that adorable, huge, not-terrifying-at-all purple cat?

And, as we have learned, subway rides home are always more fun when you're in costume.

"Uh, where are you guys coming from?" "Dinner, why?"

I shall leave you with these words of wisdom from Mrs. Katy Perry herself:

Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?

Don't be a chicken, boy, stop acting like a beeotch

Imma peace out if you don't give me the payoff

Come on baby, let me see what you're hiding underneath.

Right back atcha, Katy Perry. Thanks for a great show!

Cut it out, Hilary Swank! My Event Planning Advice

So, uh, it would appear that I haven't blogged for awhile. Gah.

Would you like to hear my excuses for blogging only one (1) time in the month of May? Please? They're really good. And it'll make me feel better. Aw, thanks guys. You're sweet.

Here goes:

-I haven't blogged because I've been busy creating life with my very first garden.




See? Busy creating life? I told you they were good.

This is the first time that Velvet and I have ever attempted to plant a garden. And though we're both equally clueless when it comes to anything garden-related, we continuously check with each other whenever we're planting. "So we should probably put the squash and the tomatoes next to each other, right?" "Oh yeah, we're definitely going to want to do that." "Think we should space these spinach seeds 5 inches apart?" "Makes sense to me."

(If our garden fails, I'm blaming it on the raccoons. Not our faulty methods. The out of control, squash-loving raccoons.)




Our garden has produced one (1) strawberry. A delicious, ripe, ready-for-the-pickin' strawberry. It shall be not eaten, but gilded. Oh, the fruits of our looms!

(Special thanks to hand model who wishes to remain anonymous and is almost certainly maybe not my roommate.)




Obligatory cat glamour shot, springtime garden edition.

-I haven't blogged because I travelled to Detroit to play in a dodgeball tournament.

So how did my team do? I don't want to talk about it. I'll just say that we finished amongst the top three (3) teams. I will also say that there were only four (4) teams total. Insignificant details.



But since we were in the States, we got to go to TARGET! This is a major deal, as most Canadian gals can understand.



Springtime in Detroit, is there nothing lovelier? And no, we sadly did not make it back to the Motorama Motel. But I shall return one day and hope to find even fresher blood on my ceiling when I do.

(...and my final excuse is one for my gentlemen readers out there. Hey, you two (2)!)

-I haven't blogged because I've been too busy playing paintball for the first time ever.




I wouldn't try paintballing for just anyone, but I like my friend Mergeler enough (tall blondie on left) to give it a go. Heather and I joined Mergeler's birthday celebrations despite our fears of, oh, you know, getting shot. Our experienced paintball friends helped soothe our anxieties by reminding us that yes, it was going to hurt and that yes, they would take special pains to track us down while playing.

<3





The Before. Even though we look like men in this picture, Heather and I were the only girls in the entire place. We were both terrified/one of us was extremely sunburnt (guess who).




And the after. Six (6) rounds of paintball later, we learn that paintball does in fact really hurt. I have five (5) bruises to remind me of that for the next few weeks.


Anyways, enough excuses for why I haven't been blogging. You came here to seek life advice and wisdom, not listen to me talk about paintball (...or did you?). And wisdom is what I shall give you.


My roommates often refer to me as a "jack of all trades." They'll deny it in person, but it's true. I can read books, I eat cereal at an almost alarming rate and I am a cat owner. But though I am very skilled at those things, I like to challenge myself to try new fields. I've tried baking, I've tried resume writing and I've tried feline grooming. It was time for something new.




No more feline grooming.

So my friend Carla and I decided to try our hand at event planning.

Now, this was a few years ago, back when event planning was a fairly new concept. To set the scene, the movie Amelia , starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere and focusing on the life of Amelia Earhart, was set to hit theaters. Having been on the set of this movie (no lie! I promise! You can trust me completely!), I knew it was a momentous occasion. The public was going to eat this movie up. SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE!



Hilary Swank. Amelia Earhart. That Hair. What more could you want?


So we contacted the people who would obviously be the most excited about this film: The Canada Aviation Museum. And we proposed to them the grandest, the most exhilarating, and also the most logical event ever to come their way.


(see below)





100 foot IMAX screen? A chance to sit in a pilot's seat with Hilary Swank? A Question & Answer segment?! I may be biased because I created this event myself, but WOW. That sounds like fun. I love Q&A's!




Most people are visual learners so it's helpful to include a hand-drawn poster whenever possible.


A month goes by. More than a month, in fact. Precious days were flying by, and still nothing from the Canada Aviation Museum. Don't they understand how hard it is to plan an event? How trying it is to to write letters that don't sound creepy to celebrities? How exhausting it is to create your own themed hors d'oeuvres menu?! GOOD LORD.


I was angry. Carla was angry. But you know who was the angriest of all?




This guy.

We reached out one (1) more time, but this time with some sad news. Swank was out. Of course she was. She's a fairly busy lady who waits for no one, not even the Canada Aviation Museum. We would have to use an Amelia Earhart impersonator. (On the plus side, I discovered this guy, whom I will certainly be hiring as my Mr. Bean impersonator for my next birthday. Wheee!)

Same thing.

I bet you're wondering how this magical event went. Well, I'll tell you how it went.

HORRIBLY.

And that's because we received NO REPLY. EVER. And now Amelia has come and gone, with barely a splash made in Canada. I don't think any of my friends saw the movie. I certainly boycotted it. You know, you pour your heart and soul into an event, you (hypothetically) invest hundreds of your own dollars, you find spend copious amounts of time researching Amelia Earhart impersonators, and for what? FOR WHAT? Nothing.

So what did I learn from this non-adventure? Eff event planning*. And airplanes. And most importantly, Hilary Swank.

Your face just makes me angry now.

Friends, have you ever tried to plan an event for a museum or company to a disastrous end? Do you like to create hand-drawn posters? And can YOU impersonate any historical figures? Let's use this time to share with each other!

*If you have a special occasion coming up, please don't hesitate to contact me for event planning help! Let your special day be my special day, too. Rates dependent on specialness of event.