Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

Since posting Chapter One of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story,  my inbox has been flooded with demands for Chapter Two.   The fact that my email inbox is extremely small and can only hold three (3) emails at a time is irrelevant.  FLOODED.

I want you all to be happy, except for those of you I dislike, so it is with great pleasure and some trepidation that I post Chapter Two:  Mr. Bilbo Returns.  Time for our first hobbit party!

If there's one (1) thing that SVH and LOTR have in common, it's their love for a celebration...and that's probably it.

LOTR fans, a reminder before you read this and weep with sadness:  This is my complete imagining of the LOTR world, as I have neither read the books nor watched the movies.  I know the bare bones and I'm attempting to piece together the rest.  It is a task that is much harder than I thought would be. Especially trying to compose hobbit songs.  So, so many hobbit songs, mostly about trees.

You may now commence your weeping.

(Can you tell I'm going through a major gif phase lately?  I can't stop, don't want to stop, DON'T MAKE ME STOP.)

PS--If you missed Chapter One, in which the Sweet Valley gang are on an erotically charged airplane ride to spend their Spring Break in Middle Earth, you can catch up here.  Intro, rave reviews and more back story are here.   

And now, without further ado, let's meet at the Shire and get sloshed on brandywine, shall we?

Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

The door to the grass hut opened and dirt fell down to the ground from Frodo the hobbit’s twine sandals. He knelt down to remove the sandals, the trusty protectors that had aided his large feet as he gathered berries and herbs from the forest for the evening supper. Frodo was often keen to search for food and happy to provide for his fellow hobbits but of late he felt a deep, unexplained yearning. It was as if something dear was missing from his life but he could not imagine what. This feeling, of course, worried Frodo.

Frodo crossed the room and stood at his window. He looked wistfully outside, to the tall forest trees which could talk, to the grass clearing where hobbit celebrations oft took place, to the clear brook where the hobbits bathed together in brotherly fashion. Hobbiton, though small and humble, was his home.

Frodo began to sing, softly at first then gaining strength:

Sturdy is my home, like a redwood tree it stands

I sleep with a blanket of trees and clouds above me,

Their leaves, the hills and my heart make up this land

Protected though I feel, there is something that is amiss

A feeling has me blinded but why I cannot see

My limbs ache for contact, they burn for a gentle touch

Is it a fair hobbit I long for, for a simple touch or kiss?

Frodo’s song was interrupted as his cherished friend Merry entered his hut.

Cut it out, $10,000 Dodgeball Tournaments!

Mood:  Content

You know if I'm posting on a weekend,  it's gotta be something big.

AND IT IS!  My dodgeball team, the Devil Bats, won $1,000.00 in a dodgeball tournament yesterday.  It was our biggest win yet.

Wheeee!

The tournament was thrown by my friend Dan, the founder of Dodgeball Nation.   The top prize was $10,000, so teams came from all over North America to compete.  We played and watched teams from Ottawa, Wisconsin, L.A.,  Dallas, P.E.I. and of course Toronto.

After seven (7) hours of playing, the Devil Bats came in third out of twenty-two (22) teams.

Revel in our sweat-drenched bodies!  Did I mention it was seven (7) hours of playing?  But in the end, we smelled like hundred dollar (dolla? can I pull off dolla?) bills. 

To celebrate, we like to take a picture to demonstrate how sexy we are, followed by jump shots.  You know, all the standard sport team shots. 

Here's us in February when we came in third place and won $750, and us yesterday after coming in third place and winning $1,000.  If nothing else can be said for us, we're consistent.  And quite possibly growing sexier (and a little more naked, for some people).

...And we're definitely getting worse at jump shots.  But hey, that's nothing $1,000 can't fix. 

Thank you Eric, Velvet, Kerry, Lazy, Sammie, Mergeler, Mike and Jonah, my teammates that I cherish very much.  We'll be playing in a tournament in July 2012 to win $15,000, so expect to see a few more sexy shots (SFW), and hopefully a shot of us jumping for joy with $15,000 raining upon us.  And also sweat.  Lots and lots of sweat. 

Check out me (and my roomie Heather) in action!   As you can see, I'm an invaluable part of my team.  I also apparently have the stance of a caveman.  $15K, here we come. 

*Photo credits and big thanks go to my friend and fellow dodgeballer, Ryan. 

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter One

Pack your duffel bags and goatskins, kids; we're going to Middle-earth!

That's right--it's time for your first taste of Hobbit Heartache!  For those just joining us, Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/ Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story.  The world's first of its kind--can you believe that?!

Yes, I see that confused look on your face. And...is that distain? DISGUST?! Sheesh, hear me out first.   This explains the project in a bit more detail, though it likely won't answer your question of who in the world would want to read this.  Well, my plan is to give anyone who has a birthday/wedding/housewarming party in the next year an autographed copy of Hobbit Heartache from me as a gift.   That way I can force people to read it.

YOU'RE ALL GETTING A COPY AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT IT.

Before we dive in, a bit of info--chapters will mostly alternate between a Sweet Valley High viewpoint and a Lord of the Rings viewpoint. Stylistically, you'll be able to easily distinguish between the two (2) because the SVH chapters will be written to resemble a typical Sweet Valley High book (meaning every single opportunity to insert a glowing adjective praising the twins will of course be taken).  LOTR chapters will be written in a manner that almost perfectly mimics Tolkien.

(This is surprising considering I have never read his work. Not even once.)

(LOTR fans, prepare to ignite your angry mob instrument of choice now.)

"SHE SAID SHE COULD WRITE BETTER THAN TOLKIEN!"

I kid.  That ain't me.  My style is definitely more Pascal than Tolkien.

Each chapter is roughly five (5) to six (6) pages long, so they may require a bit of work from you, dear readers.  You guys are used to my mega blog posts, so just consider this a Special Edition Mega Blog Post. My motivational advice? Let the promise of eventual erotica keep you going! 

Ever wondered just what was hiding under that tunic? Or why Bilbo's smile is oh so coy? If so, this is the story for you!

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome on board my new erotic fanfiction illustrator, Zak.  Zak is responsible for  the naughty drawing at the top and you'll be seeing his work throughout the story.  I'm happy to have him along for the journey.  Be warned:  I think he wants to take it reallllly erotic.

Liz, no one ever knew you could get so freaky.

Now, with all of that housekeeping out of the way, don your sexiest halter top, sit back with your favorite burlap blanket, pour a lukewarm glass of brandywine and enjoy the first chapter of Hobbit Heartache.

Chapter 1

“Oh, Liz! I think I can almost see land!” Jessica Wakefield squealed, bouncing up and down in her airplane seat. “Look; I’m so excited that I have goose bumps!” she said, extending a tanned arm for her twin sister Elizabeth to inspect.

“Yup, you sure do,” Elizabeth confirmed, taking in Jessica’s slim, goose bumped arm. “But what changed from five minutes ago, when you told me you’d rather be stuck on a desert island with Winston Egbert again than go to Middle-earth for Spring Break?”

“Welllll,” Jessica drawled, “I decided that even if Middle-earth seems boring, I’ll just make sure that I meet some not-so-boring boys to make it fun. Plus, I bet they’ll have sexy accents, like Jamie Peters or that guy I dated who turned out to be a vampire.”

Introducing...Hobbit Heartache!

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm pleased to share with all of you that I have a new, very important literary project on the horizon. It's something that I began work on a few months ago (see--yet another reason for why I've been doing such a pitiful job of posting on my blog. That, and you know, summer).



Glorious, glorious summer.

I'm truly excited about this project. It's something that I think has the potential to unite radically diverse groups of people, something that holds the promise of transcending traditional literary canons and something that if Aesop were around today, he would surely claim it as his own.



Not yours, but mine.

Dear Readers, I present you with the official sneak preview of Hobbit Heartache.



"Could a wizard ever fall for a Wakefield?"

(um, like duh!)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This looks amazing!" Yes, it does, and I will tell you more.

Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction story. As perhaps the world's first of its kind, it has naturally been gathering buzz for a few weeks now. Here are a few early, unbiased reviews:

-"As far as novels go, this has all the elements of one. There were many, many words."-Heather, Roommate

-"An Instant Classic."--CBS-TV

-"Hobbit Heartache is...a...good...book." --Christina P., Business Woman

-"Taut, disorienting and genuinely creepy." -- John Powers, Vogue

-"What Ms. Clark has done here is to create a story whereby both The Lord of the Rings and Sweet Valley High are present." --Carla K. Thasman, The Daily Dog Bugle

-"It was...good [reading]." --Daniel K., Esq.

-"I was laughing and laughing and laughing." --Roger Ebert

-"I felt like I had read it before. Bravo!" --Velvet, Female

-"Superior to The Silence of the Lambs."--Johnathan Rosembaum, Chicago Reader

-"It wouldn't open in my email."--Jean C., Mother

-"Almost too sexy. It made me feel...uncomfortable."--Anonymous, Male

And there you have it. I'm not trying to brag here; that's just what they said. When you get glowing reviews like that, here's how you feel:




I raise the roof on an almost daily basis, but this time it had special meaning.

What's that? You DEMAND a synopsis?! Say no more:

It's Spring Break and the Wakefield twins and Sweet Valley High gang are heading to Middle-earth for two weeks of sun, revelry and the ultimate battle between good and evil!

At first Middle-earth doesn't seem to be too exciting. But soon the gang befriends a group of fun-loving hobbits, whose jovial ways suit Jessica just fine. The hobbits are so fun, Jessica has a hard time choosing her favorite! She finally decides she wants Frodo, yet he seems more interested in the hobbits than her, and his eyes sure seem to linger on Winston's size-eleven feet. Has Jessica finally found the man-creature she can't have?

And a mysterious older man in white has caught Elizabeth's eye. Who is this Gandalf, and how does he have so much wisdom? Elizabeth feels like she has finally met someone who understands her academic pursuits, like writing Sweet Valley High's acclaimed gossip column. But is Gandalf too good to be true?

...And with all this talk of a ring, will one of the twins soon be getting engaged? STAY TUNED!



Somehow, just somehow, the dry air of Middle-earth only seems to improve Jessica and Elizabeth's glowing complexions.

Now, yet again, I know what you're thinking. Sweet Valley High? The Lord of the Rings? Those are some of literature's most beloved and respected characters and I better treat them right. Well, don't worry; I've tackled tasks like this before. In my younger years, I penned a 46 page (non-erotic) Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction screenplay. And that project was so very wildly successful (so what if my screenplay was returned to me unopened not once, but TWICE, from Joss Whedon's office? So what if our trailer's YouTube views remain steady at 270? I judge a project's success by how embarrassed I am of it a few years later. And so far it's only mildly).

The bottom line is that you can trust me completely with these characters.



A face you can trust completely.

One (1) frequently asked question I've been receiving is if Buffy will find her way into this fanfiction. The answer is sadly no, because I don't think she could tolerate either of the Wakefield twins for more than five (5) minutes. Will the Family von Trapp make an appearance? I don't want to give it all away, but yes.



Captain von Trapp and Lila will clearly get it on.

*One small detail: I know next to nothing about The Lord of the Rings. I own the books but have yet to read them (they're on my list, I swear!). As for the movies, I saw a bit of the first one years ago but remember very little. I'm basing everything LoTR-related in this story off of what I've overheard from other people and my own notions of what I imagine LoTR to entail.

Which is pretty much this:



Now, I know the basics. There is a ring, there are hobbits and there is an epic journey. Brotherhood plays a part. I shall do my best to fill in the rest. My LoTR-loving (is there a word stronger than love? Something that ties in obsession? ) bf read my first Frodo-centric chapter and informed me there were numerous inaccuracies in the first (1st) sentence alone. So apparently hobbits don't wear sandals? Maybe they'd like to sometimes. And, like what, it's completely implausible that Frodo wouldn't be harboring a secret crush on Bilbo Baggins?



(I will admit that I did not know the two [2] were related when I began that erotic story line. And now I've gone too far to turn back. But look how happy they are!)

What else can I tell you about (the five existing chapters of ) Hobbit Heartache?

You will be shocked.



A few may laugh.



You will cry and need to be consoled/closely gripped by loved ones.



And since it's erotic fanfiction, well, things gonna happen. I can't tell you what, but you know how I love those (extremely misleading) teasers.










.

...And if you're a die-hard Lord of the Rings fan, you'll probably want to rage. Or cry and be gripped by a loved one again.

But remember it's all in good fun.

But also extremely serious.

Though I suspect only my mother (hi Mom!), my roommates (cable bill is due, guys) and confused Lord of the Rings fans who were misdirected by Google will be reading Hobbit Heartache, I invite you all to come along for the ride! I'll be posting chapters as I write them (in other words, very, very slowly). All of the gang will be there: Jessica & Elizabeth, Frodo & Bilbo, Bruce Patman & Winston, Samwise & Pippin, Lila & Mr. Jaworski and of course, Merry, the salacious hobbit who's finally grown tired of hiding his dark, lecherous ways.



You never once fooled me, Merry.

Chapter One coming soon!

PS- Many thanks go to Heather for helping to create the book cover. Work it, gurl!

PPS--If anyone would be interested in illustrating (the erotic crossover bestselling fanfiction) Hobbit Heartache, let's talk.

It's All a Blur Last Night...

So what'd you do the other night? Oh, that's cool. Now guess what I did?

I WENT TO A KATY PERRY CONCERT!

(...and I just lost the respect of half my readers. I will miss you three [3]).

Right now you're probably saying something along the lines of "What?! But you're so sophisticated and mature! And you have but the finest of tastes! And your choices in music are impeccable! And you sing like an angel! And your rhetoric rivals that of Protagoras!"

Well, geez; first of all, thank you. It's true. All of that. But we all have our guilty pleasures. Besides KP, my other guilty pleasures include the extreme amount of enjoyment that I receive from watching America's Next Top Model, dressing our cats up in costumes (duh), and those dessert buns that you get in Chinatown.

(Do you know how hesitant I was to Google Image "Asian buns"? My creepy search history grows.)

About six (6) months ago, my roommates Heather and Velvet and my friend Eric and I decided to buy Katy Perry concert tickets on a whim. We justified it to ourselves by saying we were purchasing them in a ironical, humorous kind of way, but really, after you spend $40.00 on a ticket in the nosebleeds, the joke's on you. And we were way, way too excited to pretend that it was a joke.

This was us. But more excited. And less bangs. And mostly no gloves.

We had promised ourselves that we'd spend those six months diligently learning KP's prolific music library. Never happened. Learning all of her songs seemed like a lot of work for a guilty pleasure.

I am sorry Katy Perry, but it's true.

But we made up for a lack of song lyrics with an embarrassing amount of enthusiasm for our costumes.

Velvet was a "California Gurls" summer beachy neon-esque Katy Perry.

Same thing. And why yes, we DID just win a dodgeball championship and a massive trophy! Thank you for noticing. And yes, this is obviously our maid's week off.

Heather decided to honor Katy Perry's most sophisticated piece of literature, "Peacock."

Dead on.

And I saw a picture of Katy Perry in this dress and figured it would be easy to replicate.

Our friends make fun of us for having a huge costume trunk, but seriously, it comes in handy on an almost weekly basis.

And then there was Eric...

We only forced him to wear the sequined tube top. He showed up at our house with the pink wig; I swear!

With pink wigs, sequins and glitter donned, it was off to the Air Canada Centre we went!

So at a Katy Perry concert, you'd think you'd see lots of other people dressed up in outrageous costumes, right? Yeah, no. It was not so. We received open-mouthed stares the entire night, and lots of people stopped us to take pictures of us, especially Heather.

But I do recognize the fact that not everyone has an oversized costume trunk at home (how do you people live?! Please, tell me how), and of course appreciate any effort that is put into costuming. I thought these homemade Katy Perry sunglasses were really cute. These gals sat in front of us with their Mom and very accurately represent the average age of most in attendance.

After an impressive opening performance by Marina and the Diamonds, the waiting for Katy Perry began. We had to endure a way-too-long "performance" by a guy named "DJ Skeet Skeet." (Really? DJ Skeet Skeet? REALLY?) My friends and I cringed at the thought of the 13- year-old crowd jamming to a guy named DJ Skeet Skeet. He kept the audience entertained with such thought-provoking queries as "Who here likes summer?" and "Does anyone here have Facebook?" We began to feel ashamed by our very presence at the concert.

Does anyone here hate annoying dj's?

And then, when we could bear the questions of DJ Skeet Skeet no more, our lady finally arrived. But not until after a ten (10) minute bizarre video featuring Will Sasso from Mad TV played, focusing on Katy Perry trying to find her lost cat, Kitty Purry. This video would continue playing throughout the night during song breaks. Oh joy.

She opened with "Teenage Dream" and the arena exploded with screams.

All from this guy.

And so the show began! It was exactly what you would expect from a Katy Perry concert:

-Practical costumes bordering on the austere

-Minimalist sets

-And a mature and intensely intelligent crowd

As KP ran through her hits, we quickly began to notice a pattern. Katy Perry gyrated onstage with her dancers, we blushed and hoped the 13-year-olds had their eyes closed. Katy Perry bantered with the crowd, we cringed at the inappropriate sexual innuendos. And I was fully prepared for this, because, you know, it's Katy Perry. But the pre-teens! Shouldn't the young, impressionable pre-teens be at home listening to The Beach Boys?! (Answer: Yes.)

MOST CRINGE-INDUCING MOMENTS AT THE KATY PERRY CONCERT

-Doing a bit with her backup dancer who was dressed as a slot machine for "Waking up In Vegas": "Hi Slot. Oh, did you think I called you Slut? It's okay to call you Slut because we're friends! That's what friends do!" Gah. Must restrain self from telling young seatmates to disregard this advice.

-Passing an imaginary joint to her backup dancer while singing "I know a place, where the grass is really greener," in "California Gurls." ILLEGAL.

-Doing motions with the microphone that I do not care to elaborate on while singing "I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock." Use your imagination for this one.

-Before singing a ballad, asking "Does anyone here ever feel depressed?" to which the 13-year- old crowd responded with a huge 'YAYYYY!!!!!" Then I felt depressed.

Katy Perry, you make me feel awkward in front of children.

Oh, and remember how I said the audience was composed of all 13 year olds? Well, I lied. There were also a few older gentlemen in the house. Including a charming one who sat next to Velvet and had a pair of binoculars trained on Katy Perry the entire concert. On her dazzling set of teeth, I'm sure.

Velvet, stop smiling! You're sitting next to a pervert!

Awkward moments aside, it was a really fun concert. We were on our feet for all of the hits and sang along full force. Katy Perry continuously told us how much she loves Toronto (I'm sure she doesn't say that to every city she visits, right?) and I was actually very impressed with how well she sang live. She was silly, mostly charming and definitely put on a good show. She knew to keep it light and fun and never try to be too serious.

Don't look at me like that, Katy Perry. It's not that you can't be serious; it's just that you're more fun when you're not.

The grand finale was "Firework," and though I am very easily impressed, I was EXTREMELY impressed. I mean, there were fireworks going off INSIDE, you guys! I think every person was on their feet, including the parents and the pervert.

And stop worrying! Katy Perry was reunited with Kitty Purry, so there was a happy ending for everyone.

THANK GOD. Who wouldn't want to be reunited with that adorable, huge, not-terrifying-at-all purple cat?

And, as we have learned, subway rides home are always more fun when you're in costume.

"Uh, where are you guys coming from?" "Dinner, why?"

I shall leave you with these words of wisdom from Mrs. Katy Perry herself:

Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?

Don't be a chicken, boy, stop acting like a beeotch

Imma peace out if you don't give me the payoff

Come on baby, let me see what you're hiding underneath.

Right back atcha, Katy Perry. Thanks for a great show!