A Gift of Love: Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Seven: A Day with Pippin

If you're feeling all lovey-dovey today, well, then that's swell. Hooray! Ain't love grand! Further romantic exclamations!


...And if you're feeling not so lovey-dovey today, well, then don't worry. We've got you covered, too. 

While I personally don't care much either way about Valentine's Day (except for the facts that I like to wear red, eat chocolate and I was supposed to be born today), I understand that for many it's a special day. So in honor of this romantic holiday, it is only fitting that the latest chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel, features an unsung romantic hero. 


His name is Pippin. 

Pippin is a hobbit. He's kinda cute. But he can be overlooked by the other more hunkly hunks of Hobbit Heartache.

Frodo, Bruce, Bilbo--how does a guy compete?

(Be prepared for next Valentine's Day by pre-ordering your copy of the 2013 calendar "Hunkly Hunks of Hobbit Heartache" today! Going fast! Mention code 'beefcake' for 10 percent discount!)

But Pippin's not one to be concerned about being a hunk. He's a simple guy. If Pippin were into the online dating scene (which he would not be), his profile might look something like this:

Name: Pippin! I'm a Hobbit!

Likes: Animals (the shinier, the better!), dancing, my best friend in the whole world Samwise, when Bilbo sings, Mork & Mindy

Dislikes: Ghosts (so scary!), rain, drinking, sleeping in, Elves (so scary!), when Samwise yells, reading (too hard), Dexter

Quote: "Pine cones are pretty but they hurt my mouth so!"

People I Want to Meet:

People Who Frighten Me:

 

Personal Goals: Finish my three-hour song for Sam, discover a brand new bird species, eat an entire field of daisies!

Pippin: the hobbit with a heart of gold and a brain of Swiss cheese. But lovable cheese that you don't care has a few holes in it. Can you tell I have a soft spot for dear Pippin?

(Oh hey, here's where I throw in my usual spiel about having little-to-no knowledge of the LOTR world and how I've been having far too much fun filling in the question marks with these characters. It's gotten to the point where I feel seriously attached to my character versions and whenever I hear someone say something that differs [e.g., Samwise isn't a raging alcoholic], in my head I'm all like 'Pshhhhh. What do you know?')

The proof is in that half-longing/half-furious gaze at Frodo's brandywine.

But enough about that. Come celebrate love in all its forms by spending a day in Middle-earth with Pippin! (And if you're spending Valentine's Day all alone, well, what better occasion to catch up on the erotic adventures of Hobbit Heartache? Chapter One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six)

As always, erotic and beautiful artwork is courtesy of Zak Tatham, whose brain nowhere near resembles Swiss cheese.

Alpha male Bruce has always had a weakness for finely toned rumps. 

Chapter Seven

“BIRD!” cried out Pippin, pointing to the sky.  “And there!  Bird!”  Birds were Pippin’s favorite thing.  Whenever he saw one, he had to tell everyone and make sure they saw, too. 

“That is a most beautiful bird, Pippin!” said Sam.   He smiled at Pippin and touched his back.

Pippin loved Sam.  Sam was kind and warm. Pippin liked to touch Sam’s hair and play with his curls, so soft, just like a hat made out of birds.  Pippin wished he had a hat made of birds.  He would never remove it from his head!  He grabbed the ponytail of the girl with long brown hair and pulled, HARD.  It was a fun game.

“I’m going to kill him,” said the Lila girl, rubbing her sore head.  She glared at Pippin and her eyes looked like mud.  Pippin liked it when Lila’s face turned red like fire and she spoke very loudly, like she was singing at the top of her lungs.  He made her do this a lot.  Thinking about it made Pippin want to sing very loudly and dance very fast.  So he did that.  For a very long time, perhaps even an hour!

I'm Gonna Find My Purpose: or How to Make Your Own Vision Board

It's the first month in a gloriously new year!

A glorious new year that hasn't yet been tainted by your passive-aggressive boss who leaves a new project for you at 4:45 p.m. on a Friday, or that stupid ex who still hasn't discovered what "feelings" are and is therefore incapable of discussing them,  or those cats who puke after every meal and seriously why do I even bother buying the expensive brand of food when they just throw it all up anyway and oh my lord this year is going to suck.

NO.

We must combat this type of thinking. It is negative and soul-sucking and there's just no good reason to do that to yourself. And here's how you fight it:

YOU MAKE A VISION BOARD!

You've probably heard of these before. Google image them and a million (1,000,000) come up. While you don't need to convince me of the power of a good collage, many other people not related to me credit vision boards with helping them to discover their life ambition, refine their goals and to manifest their dreams into destiny.

...

I know, sounds familiar, right? But no, my Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie reversible collage does not technically count as a vision board.

 

(still for sale, price negotiable)

And all you have to do is fill a poster board with images that you feel connected to, things that represent your goals or inspire you. You can also use words or phrases.

Vision boards can come in all different forms, as everyone's vision/aptitude for creating beautiful art is different. Check out a few I found via Google:

These are all correct, although some look a bit more correct than others.

Since it's late January and I haven't yet manifested anything, much less my dreams, into destiny and also haven't made a subversive collage in awhile, I decided to give it a try. My roommate Velvet and I sat down with a huge pile of magazines on a Sunday evening to MANIFEST OUR DESTINIES. And you too can MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY in just a few simple steps.

HOW TO MAKE A VISION BOARD IN JUST A FEW SIMPLE

BUT EXTREMELY IMPORTANT STEPS

1.) Make sure you're dressed properly for the occasion. Do you really think destiny is going to want to manifest with you when you're wearing those elastic-ankle sweatpants that need a wash? No, it won't. It'll manifest with the guy wearing the four thousand (4,000) dollar suit. COME ON, Velvet. Think!

Now, THIS...this we can work with.

2.) Rustle up some ambition-finding snacks to fuel yourself as you begin this journey. Might I suggest some lentil beans with brown rice?  A cup or two (2) of pumpkin puree with coconut milk?

Oh, wait a minute. Are you not on Day Eight (8) of a three (3) week elimination diet like myself? Well, then eat some chips or chocolate or something delicious for me. NO WAIT, eat THESE:

McCain Smiles, I hope you fit into my destiny.

3.) Feed the cats.  You have to do this or else they'll meow the whole time and distract you from your destiny. They will; trust me, I know. They don't care about your dreams.

Quiet, you; you're sabotaging my life!

4.) Sit down with a huge pile of magazines. I already have an inconveniently large collection of magazines due to my occupation, but you may not be so lucky. If this is the case, then your vision board may require an extra step of procuring materials. Magazines can be found in almost any drugstore, grocery store or bookstore. Just ask a store employee to direct you towards the "magazine section." They should understand what you mean.

This is an example of what a typical magazine looks like. It may be helpful to print this picture out and bring it with you on your search for magazines.

(Thrifty vision boarders may wish to check neighbors' recycling bins for used magazines instead of purchasing new ones. Your vision board may smell slightly of garbage juice but hey, it's just your hopes and goals for the year.)

5.) Begin to leaf through your new and/or garbage-tainted magazines. Look for images or words that you feel a connection to, ones that represent your aspirations for the year. 

Some examples--if, like Velvet, one of your goals is to "buy more cats in 2012," you may wish to cut a picture like this out for your board:

Or if, like Velvet, one of your goals is to "turn bedroom into cat shelter," this picture might be for you:

6.) Now, sometimes your goals may not easily translate into images. Try to avoid that creeping frustration you feel setting in when, after an hour of searching, you've found barely any images/words that align with your aspirations. 

This is the step when I began to struggle.

Like, seriously, where are the images/power phrases that represent "Complete Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel"? Or "Send my fan letter to Jason Segel convincing him that we should go for a drink and maybe write a fun movie together"?   Or "Pick out my outfits the night before so I don't end up wearing the same jeans every single day of the week like I usually do and hating myself"? Or "finally finish rebuilding my collection of The Baby-sitters Club series"?

AND WHY ARE THERE NO HOBBIT PICTURES IN GLAMOUR MAGAZINE?

I know, guys. It's not fair. One day society will see you as beautiful.

7.) Keep reciting/chanting your list of goals aloud to make sure you remain true to them. This step can make vision boarding in a group a little confusing, but it's vital.

You may start to feel the urge to subtly shift your goals to better align with the magazines on hand. Ask yourself if the power phrases "Keep it Casual but Cute at the Movies" or "Make His Dirty Dreams Come True" or "How to Tan like a Pro for Your Show" are really what you want to work towards this year.

When you find yourself declaring out loud "You know what, I DO want the Kardashians in my life this year!" then it's time to put your vision board down and get some space.

HURRY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

8.) Take a break to clear your head. After all of your intense concentration on MANIFESTING YOUR DESTINY, this is a great time to reward your body and mind. A session of Bikram hot yoga will help to soothe your tense limbs, while delving into that new hobby you've always wanted to try (like stained glass making--both easy and inexpensive!) will invigorate your mind. Velvet and I both soothed our limbs and invigorated our minds by watching four (4) episodes of Roswell, season three (3).

It's just frustrating because things are kind of crazy right now with Maria and Michael broken up and Liz at  boarding school even though she KNOWS that she and Max are destined for each other even though he's an alien. Why won't life just let them be? It really puts things in perspective.

9.) After a one (1) to four (4) hour break, come back to your board. It might be very late in the evening and you are most likely on the verge of exhaustion after all of the soothing exercise you just performed. 

You are now in the perfect state to complete your vision board. 

Because, as you all know, it is only after true exhaustion that your visions can be seen clearly and grasped in board form. (This is an old quote but I can't seem to find the source.)

This is about the time when I made five (5) impromptu resolutions for the year, all involving sleep, and also about the time when my vision board became filled with pictures of beds.

10.) Remember, any spots left blank may be an indication that your year will be empty and unfulfilled. Cover those boards! You know you can't be lazy!

12.) Feed the cats again. It's been seven (7) hours since you last fed them.

13.) Don't forget to do the reverse side of your vision boards! Repeat steps 1-13. It is crucial that this all take place on the same evening. 

14.) Now that your vision board is complete, you'll want to place it in a prominent spot where you'll be sure to see it frequently.  Velvet and I have placed ours inside of our pillow cases.

After all of this hard work, I thought I'd share with you my completed project. But wait! Life is never that simple, is it? To mimic the unpredictable and often chaotic nature of contemporary life, see if you can pick out which of the below images are my completed vision board and which are from a "Where's Hilary Swank?" puzzler I made years ago. 

"Where's Hilary Swank?" is also still for sale, $1,500 as is. Contact me for more details.

I didn't post pictures of Velvet's vision board because visions can be a private thing, but it was pretty much just this:

It's gonna be a great year!

Has anyone here made their own vision board? How did it turn out? Did you have to feed the cats more than two (2) times while making it? Has your vision board helped you to MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY? Show me pics and keep it clean!


PS--Here's my actual vision board.

Hobbit Heartache: Chapter Six

Enticing, huh?

Well, this is embarrassing.

It's been roughly a month and a half since my last installment of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel was posted. 47 days have passed. The last time I wrote, it was a different year. That's pretty bad.

And I'm sorry. I really am. If you could see me right now, this is how I look:

Only even sadder. And human. And dressed in a stunning vintage dress and perfect eye makeup. Certainly not wearing sweatpants covered with cat hair.

Anyways, I do apologize for the wait. It won't happen again, at least not until my night job picks up again.

To atone, I give to you an actual recap this time. You deserve it.

The Sweet Valley High gang are somewhat psyched to spend their Spring Break in Middle-earth; however, things quickly go awry when their tour bus explodes and they become lost and stranded in the forest. Meanwhile, Bilbo Baggins, Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin have set out on their journey to destroy a mysterious and powerful ring. Frodo is feeling a bit down these days, not realizing that he's secretly in love with Bilbo, while Merry's heart and loins burn fervently for the distant Frodo.

(Here's where I throw in my gentle reminder that I know nothing of the LOTR and this is my complete imagining of their world. Don't hate.)

When we last visited, the SVH gang had just crossed paths with the hobbits for the first time. Jessica developed an instant attraction to the clueless Frodo, while Elizabeth is harboring some deep and intense feelings for Gandalf. The two groups agree to merge and continue forth on the adventure of a lifetime. Will Jessica's aquamarine eyes be enough to entice Frodo away from his secret love? Will Elizabeth's feelings for Gandalf be reciprocated? Will the Sweet Valley gang be able to survive the dangerous forests of Middle-earth, despite having no common sense or logic?  


ONLY BY READING FURTHER CHAPTERS WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TELL. 

Liz is all like "MUST READ MORE!"

(If that recap's not doing it for you, ain't nothing like the real thang: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.)

Now that you're all caught up, I'm going to throw a bit of a curveball your way. Chapter six (6) introduces a new character, never before seen in the SVH or LOTR worlds. Sweet Valley High fans may find her familiar, and that is because she is following in the grand SVH tradition of the evil doppelganger.

You might think I'm kidding here, but I'm not. The evil doppelganger was a very real and extremely terrifying plot used multiple times in SVH history. Each time was more believable than the last.

This new doppelganger has a lot of work to do before she joins the SVH Evil Doppelganger Hall of Fame, and don't she know it.

Now, come, gather 'round, ignore your work for the next ten (10) minutes and learn a bit about our newest character: Largo. She's a little insane, a little blood-thirsty, but ultimately, very lovable.


Chapter Six: Hark! A Lurker Approaches. Largo Appears.

Unbeknownst to the group trekking ahead, a lone female followed close behind. Largo watched the rag-tag hikers and listened to their songs, each out-of-tune note curdling her ears more and more. 

Oh good, they’re singing about nature again, she thought, the sarcasm twisting her moderately attractive face into a grimace. They never stop, she silently raged. They fill the air with poison.

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Five



Will Jessica steal Frodo's hair-covered heart?



The rumors? All true.  That office scuttlebutt you overhead?  Confirmed. The word on the street?  Verily accurate.

The moment you've all been waiting for is finally here.

THE SWEET VALLEY GANG AND THE LORD OF THE RINGS CREW ARE FINALLY GOING TO MEET!

I think we all know what that means...it's time to break out the brandywine and root beer floats and rejoice!

Like I said, rejoice.

Are you feeling a bit on the fence over whether you should read Chapter Five (5)? Well, here's what I can tell you:

Worlds will collide!  Hobbit hair will fly! Aquamarine eyes will sparkle! Merry will get his perv on! Graphic sexual encounters will occur!

What else is new, right?

(also, one of those might not be entirely true...yet. )

...and that's all you get for spoilers. We both have to put in some effort to make this work.

Now, if you've fallen a bit behind in Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction, it's okay. Things get busy. Costumes gotta be worn. Cats gotta be tended to.  I know how it is.

Trust me, I know.

Backstory, get your backstory here:

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Okay, enough fanfare.  Let's do this thing! I hope you enjoy, and I'd like to thank everyone who actually takes the time to wade their way through these chapters.   You guys are the Bilbo to my Frodo. <3

Prints available from the talented Zak Tatham.  I hear he's open for cash or haggling, whatever you got. 

Chapter Five

“Can we please take a break? My feet are killing me,” moaned Lila, stopping abruptly in her tracks.

Jessica rolled her glorious eyes as the group came to a halt. This was the third time they’d taken a break that day, all due to Lila’s nonstop complaining. Lila was one of Jessica’s best friends but was sometimes best in small doses. And this trip to Middle-earth had been anything but a small dose of Lila.

“Maybe if you hadn’t worn your brand new Italian suede heels just for a plane ride you’d be able to walk for more than ten minutes,” replied Jessica testily.

“You’re one to talk,” said Lila, staring pointedly at Jessica’s striped espadrilles.

“Excuse me? I’m leading the pack here, not limping around and whining,” exclaimed Jessica, her feisty southern Californian temper beginning to emerge.

“Ladies, ladies,” interrupted Bruce. “You’re both morons. But let’s not forget the biggest moron here, Mr. Winston Egbert himself, destroyer of buses and buzz killer of vacations.”

“Oh, forgive me, guys. Anyone remember our old friend Olivia? The one who died by being burned alive in an explosion? Maybe you should think about her for a second instead of whining about your shoes,” snapped Winston, uncharacteristically serious.

“Guys, guys. Let’s cool it, okay? I know we’ve been walking all day and we’re all tired and stressed, but arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Let’s take a quick break and then regroup. I have a feeling we might come across a town soon and then we can get help,” said Elizabeth, trying her best to soothe the tense group.

Jessica rolled her mesmerizing eyes to herself once more. Thank you very much, Mother Teresa, she thought. She knew Elizabeth was just trying to help, but her relentless optimism was starting to wear thin. They had been hiking deeper and deeper into the thick forest all day trying to find anyone who could help them. After endless hours of walking, it looked like they were in the exact same place as where they started—surrounded by trees and not a single sign of human life.