Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

Since posting Chapter One of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story,  my inbox has been flooded with demands for Chapter Two.   The fact that my email inbox is extremely small and can only hold three (3) emails at a time is irrelevant.  FLOODED.

I want you all to be happy, except for those of you I dislike, so it is with great pleasure and some trepidation that I post Chapter Two:  Mr. Bilbo Returns.  Time for our first hobbit party!

If there's one (1) thing that SVH and LOTR have in common, it's their love for a celebration...and that's probably it.

LOTR fans, a reminder before you read this and weep with sadness:  This is my complete imagining of the LOTR world, as I have neither read the books nor watched the movies.  I know the bare bones and I'm attempting to piece together the rest.  It is a task that is much harder than I thought would be. Especially trying to compose hobbit songs.  So, so many hobbit songs, mostly about trees.

You may now commence your weeping.

sunny crying Pictures, Images and Photos

(Can you tell I'm going through a major gif phase lately?  I can't stop, don't want to stop, DON'T MAKE ME STOP.)

PS--If you missed Chapter One, in which the Sweet Valley gang are on an erotically charged airplane ride to spend their Spring Break in Middle Earth, you can catch up here.  Intro, rave reviews and more back story are here.   

And now, without further ado, let's meet at the Shire and get sloshed on brandywine, shall we?

Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

The door to the grass hut opened and dirt fell down to the ground from Frodo the hobbit’s twine sandals. He knelt down to remove the sandals, the trusty protectors that had aided his large feet as he gathered berries and herbs from the forest for the evening supper. Frodo was often keen to search for food and happy to provide for his fellow hobbits but of late he felt a deep, unexplained yearning. It was as if something dear was missing from his life but he could not imagine what. This feeling, of course, worried Frodo.

Frodo crossed the room and stood at his window. He looked wistfully outside, to the tall forest trees which could talk, to the grass clearing where hobbit celebrations oft took place, to the clear brook where the hobbits bathed together in brotherly fashion. Hobbiton, though small and humble, was his home.

Frodo began to sing, softly at first then gaining strength:

Sturdy is my home, like a redwood tree it stands
I sleep with a blanket of trees and clouds above me,
Their leaves, the hills and my heart make up this land
Protected though I feel, there is something that is amiss
A feeling has me blinded but why I cannot see
My limbs ache for contact, they burn for a gentle touch
Is it a fair hobbit I long for, for a simple touch or kiss?

Frodo’s song was interrupted as his cherished friend Merry entered his hut.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Cut it out, $10,000 Dodgeball Tournaments!

Mood:  Content

You know if I'm posting on a weekend,  it's gotta be something big.

AND IT IS!  My dodgeball team, the Devil Bats, won $1,000.00 in a dodgeball tournament yesterday.  It was our biggest win yet.

happy gif Pictures, Images and Photos


The tournament was thrown by my friend Dan, the founder of Dodgeball Nation.   The top prize was $10,000, so teams came from all over North America to compete.  We played and watched teams from Ottawa, Wisconsin, L.A.,  Dallas, P.E.I. and of course Toronto.

After seven (7) hours of playing, the Devil Bats came in third out of twenty-two (22) teams.

Revel in our sweat-drenched bodies!  Did I mention it was seven (7) hours of playing?  But in the end, we smelled like hundred dollar (dolla? can I pull off dolla?) bills. 

To celebrate, we like to take a picture to demonstrate how sexy we are, followed by jump shots.  You know, all the standard sport team shots. 

Here's us in February when we came in third place and won $750, and us yesterday after coming in third place and winning $1,000.  If nothing else can be said for us, we're consistent.  And quite possibly growing sexier (and a little more naked, for some people).

...And we're definitely getting worse at jump shots.  But hey, that's nothing $1,000 can't fix. 

Thank you Eric, Velvet, Kerry, Lazy, Sammie, Mergeler, Mike and Jonah, my teammates that I cherish very much.  We'll be playing in a tournament in July 2012 to win $15,000, so expect to see a few more sexy shots (SFW), and hopefully a shot of us jumping for joy with $15,000 raining upon us.  And also sweat.  Lots and lots of sweat. 

Check out me (and my roomie Heather) in action!   As you can see, I'm an invaluable part of my team.  I also apparently have the stance of a caveman.  $15K, here we come. 

*Photo credits and big thanks go to my friend and fellow dodgeballer, Ryan. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter One

Pack your duffel bags and goatskins, kids; we're going to Middle-earth!

That's right--it's time for your first taste of Hobbit Heartache!  For those just joining us, Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/ Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story.  The world's first of its kind--can you believe that?!

Yes, I see that confused look on your face. And...is that distain? DISGUST?! Sheesh, hear me out first.   This explains the project in a bit more detail, though it likely won't answer your question of who in the world would want to read this.  Well, my plan is to give anyone who has a birthday/wedding/housewarming party in the next year an autographed copy of Hobbit Heartache from me as a gift.   That way I can force people to read it.

disappointed Pictures, Images and Photos


Before we dive in, a bit of info--chapters will mostly alternate between a Sweet Valley High viewpoint and a Lord of the Rings viewpoint. Stylistically, you'll be able to easily distinguish between the two (2) because the SVH chapters will be written to resemble a typical Sweet Valley High book (meaning every single opportunity to insert a glowing adjective praising the twins will of course be taken).  LOTR chapters will be written in a manner that almost perfectly mimics Tolkien.

(This is surprising considering I have never read his work. Not even once.)

(LOTR fans, prepare to ignite your angry mob instrument of choice now.)


I kid.  That ain't me.  My style is definitely more Pascal than Tolkien.

Each chapter is roughly five (5) to six (6) pages long, so they may require a bit of work from you, dear readers.  You guys are used to my mega blog posts, so just consider this a Special Edition Mega Blog Post. My motivational advice? Let the promise of eventual erotica keep you going! 

Ever wondered just what was hiding under that tunic? Or why Bilbo's smile is oh so coy? If so, this is the story for you!

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome on board my new erotic fanfiction illustrator, Zak.  Zak is responsible for  the naughty drawing at the top and you'll be seeing his work throughout the story.  I'm happy to have him along for the journey.  Be warned:  I think he wants to take it reallllly erotic.

Liz, no one ever knew you could get so freaky.

Now, with all of that housekeeping out of the way, don your sexiest halter top, sit back with your favorite burlap blanket, pour a lukewarm glass of brandywine and enjoy the first chapter of Hobbit Heartache.

Chapter 1

“Oh, Liz! I think I can almost see land!” Jessica Wakefield squealed, bouncing up and down in her airplane seat. “Look; I’m so excited that I have goose bumps!” she said, extending a tanned arm for her twin sister Elizabeth to inspect.

“Yup, you sure do,” Elizabeth confirmed, taking in Jessica’s slim, goose bumped arm. “But what changed from five minutes ago, when you told me you’d rather be stuck on a desert island with Winston Egbert again than go to Middle-earth for Spring Break?”

“Welllll,” Jessica drawled, “I decided that even if Middle-earth seems boring, I’ll just make sure that I meet some not-so-boring boys to make it fun. Plus, I bet they’ll have sexy accents, like Jamie Peters or that guy I dated who turned out to be a vampire.”