Hobbit Heartache, Chapter 14

It's a valid question.

So the Hobbit Heartache blog-posting train was temporarily derailed, it seems. This was due to several obstructions on track level. But now we're back in business, baby. I'm not going to say that we've left the station, because that seems awfully lofty, but the passengers are on board and most appear to have their tickets. 

Clearly this metaphor has gotten way out of hand. What the hell is a hobbit train? you wonder. Who are these passengers? Are tickets expensive? Do they travel to the east end? Will there be legal repercussions for those ticket-less travelers?

I don't know, okay? I wish I did. There should always be legal repercussions for wrongdoings. All I truly know is that there is a new chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover parody for you to read.

I know, gurl! I'm excited, too.

. . . and this chapter is a doozy.

You know what Gandalf I don't think I've ever once seen you smile even though you are a  freakin' WIZARD, so don't start with me.

Okay—so you know what's going on, right? Shall we dive right in? What's that? You forget everything because I haven't posted a chapter in two (2) months? And you also burned your copy of the book that you purchased legally (NOT FROM A SCALPER, RIGHT?!?) in a personal BOYCOTT of Hobbit Heartache? And not only that, but you've been congregating on my front yard each morning in an angry anti-Hobbit Heartache mob?!

Well, yes; I had noticed that part.

(source)

I can't keep waking up to this, guys. It has to stop. It just has to. Our neighbors are still mad about those foam parties we keep having (they're just so much fun, you know?). 

Just so much fun for everyone.  

But anyway. I get it. I get the anger, the mob, the rotted cabbage and flaming Great Grains boxes left on my porch, everything. Passion for a Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfic will often lead you down strange and wild paths.

To beg forgiveness: a recap that is as succinct as I can possibly make it (HAHAHA). Here goes nothing (HAHAHA):

Sweet Valley High's sexy Spring Break takes a terrifying turn when the gang finds themselves lost in the forests of Middle-earth with nary a make-out point or mall to be found. Jessica and Elizabeth's uncanny luck and fragrant pheromones soon cause the group to be discovered by a gaggle of handsome hobbits. Bilbo, Frodo, Merry, Samwise & Pippin take the Sweet Valley students under their hair-covered wings and the newly-formed group embarks on a wild journey to destroy a powerful and evil ring. 

As with any Spring Break, sexual hijinks and erotic escapades occur in alarming proportion. Jessica is taken with the mysteriously quiet Frodo, but wonders why he massages Bilbo's feet thrice daily. Elizabeth has fallen hard for Gandalf, who perversely seems to be playing an extreme game of hard-to-get. Winston has caught Merry's hirsute eye, Bruce has a fling with Lady Arwen, Pippin does a cartwheel, all while Samwise falls deeper and deeper into the throes of brandywine addiction. Captain Georg von Trapp stumbles upon the seductively mismatched group and instantly finds himself torn between his desire to woo Lila and his instincts to murder the blonde and Pacific Ocean blue-green eyed Jessica and Elizabeth, certain that they are undercover Nazis. Skinny dipping, hobbit sacrifices, a sexually unsatisfying night in Dwarven—this Spring Break has it all. 

. . .  And despite the twins' heightened and tanned senses, no one has yet to notice Largo, the evil doppelganger who has travelled all the way from Antarctica to kill and take over Lila's life . . . but is all of that about to change?

READ THE STORY SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH A RECAP AGAIN!

Chapter links below. It's one of those easy-breezy, intensely erotic summer reads but also one that is timeless so you can read it during any season, even fall and Daylight Saving Time. 

Chapter 1              Chapter 8

Chapter 2              Chapter 9

Chapter 3              Chapter 10

Chapter 4              Chapter 11

Chapter 5              Chapter 12

Chapter 6              Chapter 13

Chapter 7

Slight warning: Possibly NSFW art below. It really depends upon where you work, I guess. Great Grains factory worker? Probably NSFW. Dog breeder? Go for it!

Should you wish to have the above image screenprinted on a t-shirt/nightgown or enlarged for full fishnet glory, please contact the talented and oh-so-versatile Zak. Bathing Bilbos and dueling doppelgangers—the man has got you covered.

Chapter 14

Lila strolled along the forest edge, enjoying the feel of the gentle Middle-earth breeze upon her silky skin. The shade of the tall pine trees blocked out the late afternoon sun and kept her cool. She walked on, savoring the quiet moment by herself.

Lila came suddenly to a halt. Goose bumps had risen all over her once-smooth skin and an all-too-familiar scent began to waft through the air. Lila whimpered.

It’s happening again, she thought in panic, her urbane heart quickening. She tried to cover her opulent face but it was far too late.

The stench of rotten fish quickly became overwhelming. It filled her every orifice, including her clenched, bleached anus. Overcome with nausea, Lila bent down on the ground to vomit. She could taste the unmistakable tang of forgotten crab meat in her mouth. It reminded her of the time that Eva, Fowler Crest’s maid, accidentally served her expired seafood hors d’oeuvres during a Sunday luncheon celebrating the wealthy.

But this time was much, much worse.

Still kneeling to vomit, Lila failed to hear the sounds of someone approaching. The person pounced on her, pinning Lila to the ground. Lila thrashed about wildly, catching only fleeting glimpses of her attacker. Long, wild brown hair, ruby-red lips that mirrored her own, a flash of non-twenty-four karat gold, a whiff of . . . was that salted cod? It didn’t matter. Lila knew she was going to die.

A Gift of Love: Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Seven: A Day with Pippin

If you're feeling all lovey-dovey today, well, then that's swell. Hooray! Ain't love grand! Further romantic exclamations!


...And if you're feeling not so lovey-dovey today, well, then don't worry. We've got you covered, too. 

While I personally don't care much either way about Valentine's Day (except for the facts that I like to wear red, eat chocolate and I was supposed to be born today), I understand that for many it's a special day. So in honor of this romantic holiday, it is only fitting that the latest chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel, features an unsung romantic hero. 


His name is Pippin. 

Pippin is a hobbit. He's kinda cute. But he can be overlooked by the other more hunkly hunks of Hobbit Heartache.

Frodo, Bruce, Bilbo--how does a guy compete?

(Be prepared for next Valentine's Day by pre-ordering your copy of the 2013 calendar "Hunkly Hunks of Hobbit Heartache" today! Going fast! Mention code 'beefcake' for 10 percent discount!)

But Pippin's not one to be concerned about being a hunk. He's a simple guy. If Pippin were into the online dating scene (which he would not be), his profile might look something like this:

Name: Pippin! I'm a Hobbit!

Likes: Animals (the shinier, the better!), dancing, my best friend in the whole world Samwise, when Bilbo sings, Mork & Mindy

Dislikes: Ghosts (so scary!), rain, drinking, sleeping in, Elves (so scary!), when Samwise yells, reading (too hard), Dexter

Quote: "Pine cones are pretty but they hurt my mouth so!"

People I Want to Meet:

People Who Frighten Me:

 

Personal Goals: Finish my three-hour song for Sam, discover a brand new bird species, eat an entire field of daisies!

Pippin: the hobbit with a heart of gold and a brain of Swiss cheese. But lovable cheese that you don't care has a few holes in it. Can you tell I have a soft spot for dear Pippin?

(Oh hey, here's where I throw in my usual spiel about having little-to-no knowledge of the LOTR world and how I've been having far too much fun filling in the question marks with these characters. It's gotten to the point where I feel seriously attached to my character versions and whenever I hear someone say something that differs [e.g., Samwise isn't a raging alcoholic], in my head I'm all like 'Pshhhhh. What do you know?')

The proof is in that half-longing/half-furious gaze at Frodo's brandywine.

But enough about that. Come celebrate love in all its forms by spending a day in Middle-earth with Pippin! (And if you're spending Valentine's Day all alone, well, what better occasion to catch up on the erotic adventures of Hobbit Heartache? Chapter One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six)

As always, erotic and beautiful artwork is courtesy of Zak Tatham, whose brain nowhere near resembles Swiss cheese.

Alpha male Bruce has always had a weakness for finely toned rumps. 

Chapter Seven

“BIRD!” cried out Pippin, pointing to the sky.  “And there!  Bird!”  Birds were Pippin’s favorite thing.  Whenever he saw one, he had to tell everyone and make sure they saw, too. 

“That is a most beautiful bird, Pippin!” said Sam.   He smiled at Pippin and touched his back.

Pippin loved Sam.  Sam was kind and warm. Pippin liked to touch Sam’s hair and play with his curls, so soft, just like a hat made out of birds.  Pippin wished he had a hat made of birds.  He would never remove it from his head!  He grabbed the ponytail of the girl with long brown hair and pulled, HARD.  It was a fun game.

“I’m going to kill him,” said the Lila girl, rubbing her sore head.  She glared at Pippin and her eyes looked like mud.  Pippin liked it when Lila’s face turned red like fire and she spoke very loudly, like she was singing at the top of her lungs.  He made her do this a lot.  Thinking about it made Pippin want to sing very loudly and dance very fast.  So he did that.  For a very long time, perhaps even an hour!

Hobbit Heartache: Chapter Six

Enticing, huh?

Well, this is embarrassing.

It's been roughly a month and a half since my last installment of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel was posted. 47 days have passed. The last time I wrote, it was a different year. That's pretty bad.

And I'm sorry. I really am. If you could see me right now, this is how I look:

Only even sadder. And human. And dressed in a stunning vintage dress and perfect eye makeup. Certainly not wearing sweatpants covered with cat hair.

Anyways, I do apologize for the wait. It won't happen again, at least not until my night job picks up again.

To atone, I give to you an actual recap this time. You deserve it.

The Sweet Valley High gang are somewhat psyched to spend their Spring Break in Middle-earth; however, things quickly go awry when their tour bus explodes and they become lost and stranded in the forest. Meanwhile, Bilbo Baggins, Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin have set out on their journey to destroy a mysterious and powerful ring. Frodo is feeling a bit down these days, not realizing that he's secretly in love with Bilbo, while Merry's heart and loins burn fervently for the distant Frodo.

(Here's where I throw in my gentle reminder that I know nothing of the LOTR and this is my complete imagining of their world. Don't hate.)

When we last visited, the SVH gang had just crossed paths with the hobbits for the first time. Jessica developed an instant attraction to the clueless Frodo, while Elizabeth is harboring some deep and intense feelings for Gandalf. The two groups agree to merge and continue forth on the adventure of a lifetime. Will Jessica's aquamarine eyes be enough to entice Frodo away from his secret love? Will Elizabeth's feelings for Gandalf be reciprocated? Will the Sweet Valley gang be able to survive the dangerous forests of Middle-earth, despite having no common sense or logic?  


ONLY BY READING FURTHER CHAPTERS WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TELL. 

Liz is all like "MUST READ MORE!"

(If that recap's not doing it for you, ain't nothing like the real thang: Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.)

Now that you're all caught up, I'm going to throw a bit of a curveball your way. Chapter six (6) introduces a new character, never before seen in the SVH or LOTR worlds. Sweet Valley High fans may find her familiar, and that is because she is following in the grand SVH tradition of the evil doppelganger.

You might think I'm kidding here, but I'm not. The evil doppelganger was a very real and extremely terrifying plot used multiple times in SVH history. Each time was more believable than the last.

This new doppelganger has a lot of work to do before she joins the SVH Evil Doppelganger Hall of Fame, and don't she know it.

Now, come, gather 'round, ignore your work for the next ten (10) minutes and learn a bit about our newest character: Largo. She's a little insane, a little blood-thirsty, but ultimately, very lovable.


Chapter Six: Hark! A Lurker Approaches. Largo Appears.

Unbeknownst to the group trekking ahead, a lone female followed close behind. Largo watched the rag-tag hikers and listened to their songs, each out-of-tune note curdling her ears more and more. 

Oh good, they’re singing about nature again, she thought, the sarcasm twisting her moderately attractive face into a grimace. They never stop, she silently raged. They fill the air with poison.

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Five



Will Jessica steal Frodo's hair-covered heart?



The rumors? All true.  That office scuttlebutt you overhead?  Confirmed. The word on the street?  Verily accurate.

The moment you've all been waiting for is finally here.

THE SWEET VALLEY GANG AND THE LORD OF THE RINGS CREW ARE FINALLY GOING TO MEET!

I think we all know what that means...it's time to break out the brandywine and root beer floats and rejoice!

Like I said, rejoice.

Are you feeling a bit on the fence over whether you should read Chapter Five (5)? Well, here's what I can tell you:

Worlds will collide!  Hobbit hair will fly! Aquamarine eyes will sparkle! Merry will get his perv on! Graphic sexual encounters will occur!

What else is new, right?

(also, one of those might not be entirely true...yet. )

...and that's all you get for spoilers. We both have to put in some effort to make this work.

Now, if you've fallen a bit behind in Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction, it's okay. Things get busy. Costumes gotta be worn. Cats gotta be tended to.  I know how it is.

Trust me, I know.

Backstory, get your backstory here:

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Okay, enough fanfare.  Let's do this thing! I hope you enjoy, and I'd like to thank everyone who actually takes the time to wade their way through these chapters.   You guys are the Bilbo to my Frodo. <3

Prints available from the talented Zak Tatham.  I hear he's open for cash or haggling, whatever you got. 

Chapter Five

“Can we please take a break? My feet are killing me,” moaned Lila, stopping abruptly in her tracks.

Jessica rolled her glorious eyes as the group came to a halt. This was the third time they’d taken a break that day, all due to Lila’s nonstop complaining. Lila was one of Jessica’s best friends but was sometimes best in small doses. And this trip to Middle-earth had been anything but a small dose of Lila.

“Maybe if you hadn’t worn your brand new Italian suede heels just for a plane ride you’d be able to walk for more than ten minutes,” replied Jessica testily.

“You’re one to talk,” said Lila, staring pointedly at Jessica’s striped espadrilles.

“Excuse me? I’m leading the pack here, not limping around and whining,” exclaimed Jessica, her feisty southern Californian temper beginning to emerge.

“Ladies, ladies,” interrupted Bruce. “You’re both morons. But let’s not forget the biggest moron here, Mr. Winston Egbert himself, destroyer of buses and buzz killer of vacations.”

“Oh, forgive me, guys. Anyone remember our old friend Olivia? The one who died by being burned alive in an explosion? Maybe you should think about her for a second instead of whining about your shoes,” snapped Winston, uncharacteristically serious.

“Guys, guys. Let’s cool it, okay? I know we’ve been walking all day and we’re all tired and stressed, but arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Let’s take a quick break and then regroup. I have a feeling we might come across a town soon and then we can get help,” said Elizabeth, trying her best to soothe the tense group.

Jessica rolled her mesmerizing eyes to herself once more. Thank you very much, Mother Teresa, she thought. She knew Elizabeth was just trying to help, but her relentless optimism was starting to wear thin. They had been hiking deeper and deeper into the thick forest all day trying to find anyone who could help them. After endless hours of walking, it looked like they were in the exact same place as where they started—surrounded by trees and not a single sign of human life.

Hobbit Heartache-- Chapter Four: A Journey Begins

The hobbits are caught in an erotic web of love and also the cohesive material that spider webs are made out of. 

As I begin this post, I am sitting on the floor in the Washington Dulles International Airport at 11:00 p.m., waiting for a delayed flight back home.  I've just spent the weekend celebrating one of my best friend's wedding (congratulations, Rosie and Joe!), and am feeling overwhelmed with all of the happiness this weekend brought.  Old friendships, new friendships, jumping shots on the beach-- this weekend truly had it all.

Love.

And I thought to myself, still whilst sitting on that airport floor, what better way to capture these feelings of love than to work on the ol' erotic  fanfiction novel?  Rosie and Joe, I hereby dedicate this erotic chapter of Hobbit Heartache to you (the best wedding present money could buy, eh?). 

I know it's been awhile, so I will very kindly sum up Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction novel, thus far in one (1) sentence for everyone.

Spring Break in Middle-earth isn't exactly what the Sweet Valley High gang envisioned after their tour bus explodes, leaving them stranded and lost in the forest; meanwhile, the gaping hole in Frodo's heart leads him to volunteer for a mysterious journey with his beloved Bilbo Baggins, who, along with the carnally creative Merry, the staggering sot Samwise, the delightfully dimwitted Pippin and the masterfully mystifying Gandalf, will soon prove that Sweet Valley isn't the only town where almost anything can happen... 

Got it?  

Okay, you know what? I tried.  Do it the hard way and read Chapter One, Two and Three.  Or call me and we'll talk through it.  

Now that we're all caught up, let's get to what you've all been waiting for:  the chapter where you get to read about a nude Bilbo bathing in the Hobbiton springs!  Hot damn.   

Enjoy. (And also remember that I know nothing about LOTR and this is my complete imagining of their world.  And enjoy.)

Limited edition prints available from Zak Tatham. 

Chapter Four—A Journey Begins

Morning in Hobbiton came as rays of sun spread over the remnants of the previous night’s festivities. Sleeping hobbits lay splayed across grass, covered by a moist blanket of dewdrops. The once-magnificent fire had breathed its last breath and was now composed of a few dying embers, cool to the touch. Though the hobbits had danced well into the night, the revelry had been mixed with a touch of apprehension, for all of Hobbiton wondered what would soon face them.

From within a deep slumber, Frodo heard the sweet call of a lilac-spotted dove and willed his eyes to open and face the morn. He tried to move his body upright but found he could not, for Merry’s arm was strewn over him, the long, black strands of curly hair shining with clear drops of dew. It seemed that Merry’s warm body had pressed close against Frodo’s all the night long, for there was not a bit of space between the two.

“Merry,” Frodo whispered into his friend’s ear, “it is time to rouse yourself, for the sun is shining and the song of the birds can be heard loud and clear.”

Merry awoke with a start, his eyes widening as the realization of his close proximity to Frodo dawned upon him. His hands fluttered to the front of his brown tunic, brushing against his hardened rod with alarm. It brought none of the pleasure that it normally did. He smoothed his tunic front over his burlap trousers with the speed of a jackrabbit and silently willed for Frodo to look elsewhere. Merry’s interrupted dream had been quite stimulating, as his dreams tended to be.

Hobbit Heartache: Chapter 3

(Guess who's learning Photoshop?!)

Imma stop you before you dive right into Chapter Three (3) of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction.  And I'm going to warn you:  this chapter gets real.

You're right to feel like this.

Yeah, I know that in Chapter One, things were all fine and dandy and the Sweet Valley gang was flying to Middle-earth, and maybe even some people were getting a little frisky in the plane bathroom and Winston was all gangly and awkward because he has big feet and the twins had a shared dream and those are always fun and we were all excited to start Sweet Valley High's 427th's Spring Break. 

These two had fun in Chapter One.

And I also know that in Chapter Two, the hobbits were all feasting and dancing in the Shire and sure, maybe Frodo was a little sad but then Bilbo came home and he had crazy news and they're about to go on a huge adventure and also sure, maybe Samwise drank a bit too much brandywine and passed out, but who hasn't been there? 

Frodo had a bit of fun in Chapter Two.

Here's the thing: NO ONE HAS FUN IN CHAPTER THREE.  And that's because things take a turn for the terrifying.  If I've learned anything from my years of reading SVH, it's that when you leave Sweet Valley, bad things happen.  Very bad things.  And also that I should just give up on life because my hair is not a sun-streaked gilded blonde, but alas, a mousy brunette.  But persist I shall, if only to bring you the third chapter of Hobbit Heartache. So I really hope you enjoy it.

Enough talk; let's land this plane in Middle-earth!

Artwork by the explosive Zak Tatham

Chapter Three

Elizabeth gazed out the bus window, taking in Middle-earth’s lush green scenery. How beautiful, she thought, almost like Sweet Valley’s country club. The club was the most breathtaking place she knew, and the site of many Wakefield family celebrations. Elizabeth sighed, feeling the first pangs of homesickness for her family back home and their elegantly decorated split-level Spanish-style house. The group had only been in Middle-earth for a few hours, but already it had been a rough trip.

Upon landing in the JFK Middle-earth Airport, the students had been led by Mr. Jaworski to the luggage area to collect their bags. But instead of seeing a colorful merry-go-round of luggage, they had been greeted by an empty terminal, with cobwebs and dust covering the luggage carousel. When they tried to find an airport employee to help them, the students only found a short child sitting behind the customer service counter. When the worker caught sight of the group, he scurried off as fast as he could without saying so much as a word. And Winston swore up and down that the worker wasn’t even wearing shoes!

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

Since posting Chapter One of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story,  my inbox has been flooded with demands for Chapter Two.   The fact that my email inbox is extremely small and can only hold three (3) emails at a time is irrelevant.  FLOODED.

I want you all to be happy, except for those of you I dislike, so it is with great pleasure and some trepidation that I post Chapter Two:  Mr. Bilbo Returns.  Time for our first hobbit party!

If there's one (1) thing that SVH and LOTR have in common, it's their love for a celebration...and that's probably it.

LOTR fans, a reminder before you read this and weep with sadness:  This is my complete imagining of the LOTR world, as I have neither read the books nor watched the movies.  I know the bare bones and I'm attempting to piece together the rest.  It is a task that is much harder than I thought would be. Especially trying to compose hobbit songs.  So, so many hobbit songs, mostly about trees.

You may now commence your weeping.

(Can you tell I'm going through a major gif phase lately?  I can't stop, don't want to stop, DON'T MAKE ME STOP.)

PS--If you missed Chapter One, in which the Sweet Valley gang are on an erotically charged airplane ride to spend their Spring Break in Middle Earth, you can catch up here.  Intro, rave reviews and more back story are here.   

And now, without further ado, let's meet at the Shire and get sloshed on brandywine, shall we?

Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

The door to the grass hut opened and dirt fell down to the ground from Frodo the hobbit’s twine sandals. He knelt down to remove the sandals, the trusty protectors that had aided his large feet as he gathered berries and herbs from the forest for the evening supper. Frodo was often keen to search for food and happy to provide for his fellow hobbits but of late he felt a deep, unexplained yearning. It was as if something dear was missing from his life but he could not imagine what. This feeling, of course, worried Frodo.

Frodo crossed the room and stood at his window. He looked wistfully outside, to the tall forest trees which could talk, to the grass clearing where hobbit celebrations oft took place, to the clear brook where the hobbits bathed together in brotherly fashion. Hobbiton, though small and humble, was his home.

Frodo began to sing, softly at first then gaining strength:

Sturdy is my home, like a redwood tree it stands

I sleep with a blanket of trees and clouds above me,

Their leaves, the hills and my heart make up this land

Protected though I feel, there is something that is amiss

A feeling has me blinded but why I cannot see

My limbs ache for contact, they burn for a gentle touch

Is it a fair hobbit I long for, for a simple touch or kiss?

Frodo’s song was interrupted as his cherished friend Merry entered his hut.

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter One

Pack your duffel bags and goatskins, kids; we're going to Middle-earth!

That's right--it's time for your first taste of Hobbit Heartache!  For those just joining us, Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/ Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story.  The world's first of its kind--can you believe that?!

Yes, I see that confused look on your face. And...is that distain? DISGUST?! Sheesh, hear me out first.   This explains the project in a bit more detail, though it likely won't answer your question of who in the world would want to read this.  Well, my plan is to give anyone who has a birthday/wedding/housewarming party in the next year an autographed copy of Hobbit Heartache from me as a gift.   That way I can force people to read it.

YOU'RE ALL GETTING A COPY AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT IT.

Before we dive in, a bit of info--chapters will mostly alternate between a Sweet Valley High viewpoint and a Lord of the Rings viewpoint. Stylistically, you'll be able to easily distinguish between the two (2) because the SVH chapters will be written to resemble a typical Sweet Valley High book (meaning every single opportunity to insert a glowing adjective praising the twins will of course be taken).  LOTR chapters will be written in a manner that almost perfectly mimics Tolkien.

(This is surprising considering I have never read his work. Not even once.)

(LOTR fans, prepare to ignite your angry mob instrument of choice now.)

"SHE SAID SHE COULD WRITE BETTER THAN TOLKIEN!"

I kid.  That ain't me.  My style is definitely more Pascal than Tolkien.

Each chapter is roughly five (5) to six (6) pages long, so they may require a bit of work from you, dear readers.  You guys are used to my mega blog posts, so just consider this a Special Edition Mega Blog Post. My motivational advice? Let the promise of eventual erotica keep you going! 

Ever wondered just what was hiding under that tunic? Or why Bilbo's smile is oh so coy? If so, this is the story for you!

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome on board my new erotic fanfiction illustrator, Zak.  Zak is responsible for  the naughty drawing at the top and you'll be seeing his work throughout the story.  I'm happy to have him along for the journey.  Be warned:  I think he wants to take it reallllly erotic.

Liz, no one ever knew you could get so freaky.

Now, with all of that housekeeping out of the way, don your sexiest halter top, sit back with your favorite burlap blanket, pour a lukewarm glass of brandywine and enjoy the first chapter of Hobbit Heartache.

Chapter 1

“Oh, Liz! I think I can almost see land!” Jessica Wakefield squealed, bouncing up and down in her airplane seat. “Look; I’m so excited that I have goose bumps!” she said, extending a tanned arm for her twin sister Elizabeth to inspect.

“Yup, you sure do,” Elizabeth confirmed, taking in Jessica’s slim, goose bumped arm. “But what changed from five minutes ago, when you told me you’d rather be stuck on a desert island with Winston Egbert again than go to Middle-earth for Spring Break?”

“Welllll,” Jessica drawled, “I decided that even if Middle-earth seems boring, I’ll just make sure that I meet some not-so-boring boys to make it fun. Plus, I bet they’ll have sexy accents, like Jamie Peters or that guy I dated who turned out to be a vampire.”