Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Gift of Love: Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Seven: A Day with Pippin

If you're feeling all lovey-dovey today, well, then that's swell. Hooray! Ain't love grand! Further romantic exclamations!

...And if you're feeling not so lovey-dovey today, well, then don't worry. We've got you covered, too. 

While I personally don't care much either way about Valentine's Day (except for the facts that I like to wear red, eat chocolate and I was supposed to be born today), I understand that for many it's a special day. So in honor of this romantic holiday, it is only fitting that the latest chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel, features an unsung romantic hero. 

His name is Pippin. 

Pippin is a hobbit. He's kinda cute. But he can be overlooked by the other more hunkly hunks of Hobbit Heartache.

Frodo, Bruce, Bilbo--how does a guy compete?

(Be prepared for next Valentine's Day by pre-ordering your copy of the 2013 calendar "Hunkly Hunks of Hobbit Heartache" today! Going fast! Mention code 'beefcake' for 10 percent discount!)

But Pippin's not one to be concerned about being a hunk. He's a simple guy. If Pippin were into the online dating scene (which he would not be), his profile might look something like this:

Name: Pippin! I'm a Hobbit!

Likes: Animals (the shinier, the better!), dancing, my best friend in the whole world Samwise, when Bilbo sings, Mork & Mindy

Dislikes: Ghosts (so scary!), rain, drinking, sleeping in, Elves (so scary!), when Samwise yells, reading (too hard), Dexter

Quote: "Pine cones are pretty but they hurt my mouth so!"

People I Want to Meet:

People Who Frighten Me:


Personal Goals: Finish my three-hour song for Sam, discover a brand new bird species, eat an entire field of daisies!

Pippin: the hobbit with a heart of gold and a brain of Swiss cheese. But lovable cheese that you don't care has a few holes in it. Can you tell I have a soft spot for dear Pippin?

(Oh hey, here's where I throw in my usual spiel about having little-to-no knowledge of the LOTR world and how I've been having far too much fun filling in the question marks with these characters. It's gotten to the point where I feel seriously attached to my character versions and whenever I hear someone say something that differs [e.g., Samwise isn't a raging alcoholic], in my head I'm all like 'Pshhhhh. What do you know?')

The proof is in that half-longing/half-furious gaze at Frodo's brandywine.

But enough about that. Come celebrate love in all its forms by spending a day in Middle-earth with Pippin! (And if you're spending Valentine's Day all alone, well, what better occasion to catch up on the erotic adventures of Hobbit Heartache? Chapter One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six)

As always, erotic and beautiful artwork is courtesy of Zak Tatham, whose brain nowhere near resembles Swiss cheese.

Alpha male Bruce has always had a weakness for finely toned rumps. 

Chapter Seven

“BIRD!” cried out Pippin, pointing to the sky.  “And there!  Bird!”  Birds were Pippin’s favorite thing.  Whenever he saw one, he had to tell everyone and make sure they saw, too. 

“That is a most beautiful bird, Pippin!” said Sam.   He smiled at Pippin and touched his back.

Pippin loved Sam.  Sam was kind and warm. Pippin liked to touch Sam’s hair and play with his curls, so soft, just like a hat made out of birds.  Pippin wished he had a hat made of birds.  He would never remove it from his head!  He grabbed the ponytail of the girl with long brown hair and pulled, HARD.  It was a fun game.

“I’m going to kill him,” said the Lila girl, rubbing her sore head.  She glared at Pippin and her eyes looked like mud.  Pippin liked it when Lila’s face turned red like fire and she spoke very loudly, like she was singing at the top of her lungs.  He made her do this a lot.  Thinking about it made Pippin want to sing very loudly and dance very fast.  So he did that.  For a very long time, perhaps even an hour!

Dancing very fast always made Pippin’s throat hurt.  He spied the goatskin canteen on Sam’s hip and thought I want that! He grabbed it and took a big gulp, a huge gulp that would fill his aching throat right up to the brim.  

But it did not help! No, instead it burned this throat and made his eyes be like rivers, like the time he ate hot tar. He spit it out as fast as he could.

“Pippin, no!” said Sam.  “I told you that you must never drink from my goatskin canteen! This is my water only.”

Pippin hated when Sam yelled like so.  He yelled each time Pippin took his water but Pippin always forgot until it was too late and the burning happened again.  Then he had to cry rivers until he saw a bird or flower.  Sometimes he could eat the flowers and then he felt better.

Pippin and his friends had been walking for so long that he forgot where they came from.  He remembered a town where they took baths together but in the outside. Once he saw Frodo taking a bath and then he saw Merry in the woods and Merry had not a single stitch of his clothes on and he said he was playing a hiding game and it was a surprise for Frodo. So Pippin was good and did not tell a single soul, not even the frog that lived in his shoe.

Pippin looked at Merry now so he could tell him that story.   But Merry was busy talking to the new boy Winston.  Winston was as tall as a tree and his feet were like big sticks, but he was kind like Sam.  Bruce was mean like a bear but his face was so pretty that Pippin wanted to touch it all over.  Bruce did not like that though so Pippin had to dance instead.  He danced right in front of Bruce and shook his rump at him, back and forth, back and forth, back and-

“BIRD!” Pippin hollered.  “Purple bird! Red bird! And a yellow bird!”

“That’s a butterfly, Pippin,” said Elizabeth.  Her clothes were not pretty but her face was.  Pippin was happy to have new friends but he wished they were all boys. It was fun to have new friends, young ones like him, because Bilbo was very old now and had lines all over his face. Bilbo’s feet hurt all the time but Frodo was always touching them.  Pippin asked Frodo to touch his feet but Frodo said no.  

Everyone always said no and it made Pippin scream.  Sometimes he screamed at night just to wake everyone up so they could all laugh together.  He screamed so loud once that it killed a cat.

Pippin was scared to go to visit the Land of the Elves, which is where they were going.  He had never seen an Elf and thought they had long yellow teeth with red eyes and he did not want to see one, ever!  He bet they smelled like fish like the girl in the woods and that they would try to eat him.   Pippin would be sad if they got eaten.  He would miss Sam the most, his best friend in all of Middle-earth.

Pippin thought very hard about Sam being eaten and had to run and find Sam to give him a hug so it would not come true.   Sam was in the middle of a big gulp but Pippin wrapped his arms around Sam tight, tight, tight, like ivy on a tree.  Like a belt around Bilbo’s big soft waist.  Or like a bird in a bird house! Sam was so surprised by the hug that he choked on his water and stumbled.  Sam was clumsy sometimes and fell down. He loved Sam so.

Then they all stopped.  Bilbo told them that it was time to rest and sleep and tomorrow they would be at the Land of the Elves.  Pippin did not like to sleep, he liked to dance and move, and it was hard to be still for so long.  His belly felt full of jumping frogs and bugs and he was scared of seeing Elves in his sleep.  So he decided he would stay up all night and listen to Sam snore.  Bilbo sang songs in his sleep and Merry’s hands moved very fast. The girls with gold hair smiled all night long and Pippin thought they must have dreams of birds.

Pippin looked up at the night sky while they all slept.  He looked at the stars and thought the sky was so big, so big that if it fell down you would never find your way out of it.  Then that thought scared him so he looked for birds instead.  There were never any birds at night.  Pippin did not like the nights, not one bit.

 Pippin wished he had a hat made out of birds.

Will the hobbits indeed be eaten at the Land of the Elves? Will Bruce ever learn to appreciate his spirited, private dancer? Was that REALLY a butterfly like Elizabeth said, or something a bit more dastardly?  And finally, will someone just give Pippin his freakin' hat made out of birds?



  1. one of my favourite chapters, second to the bus mishap. I really identify with pippin, he has a strong spirit and good choice in lovers, but i feel like he could go down the wrong path if he didn't watch who his friends are. Mend your ways pippin so that we may not be heartbroken. we (readers) can all learn a lot from pippin's choice and consequence. I believe I have.

  2. Thank you, Z. I agree with you--I envy Pippin's lighthearted spirit and way of looking at the world but do sometimes worry about him. He has such faith in the world around him but doesn't realize that it can sometimes hurt him. But do you try to toughen up someone with a beautiful soul like Pippin, or do you just let him live his life? Who can say? I have also learned a lot from Pippin and I would also like a hat made out of birds (but fake birds, not real ones).