Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Introducing...Hobbit Heartache!


I'm pleased to share with all of you that I have a new, very important literary project on the horizon. It's something that I began work on a few months ago (see--yet another reason for why I've been doing such a pitiful job of posting on my blog. That, and you know, summer).

Glorious, glorious summer.

I'm truly excited about this project. It's something that I think has the potential to unite radically diverse groups of people, something that holds the promise of transcending traditional literary canons and something that if Aesop were around today, he would surely claim it as his own.

Not yours, but mine.

Dear Readers, I present you with the official sneak preview of Hobbit Heartache.

"Could a wizard ever fall for a Wakefield?"

(um, like duh!)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This looks amazing!" Yes, it does, and I will tell you more.

Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction story. As perhaps the world's first of its kind, it has naturally been gathering buzz for a few weeks now. Here are a few early, unbiased reviews:

-"As far as novels go, this has all the elements of one. There were many, many words."-Heather, Roommate

-"An Instant Classic."--CBS-TV

-"Hobbit Heartache" --Christina P., Business Woman

-"Taut, disorienting and genuinely creepy." -- John Powers, Vogue

-"What Ms. Clark has done here is to create a story whereby both The Lord of the Rings and Sweet Valley High are present." --Carla K. Thasman, The Daily Dog Bugle

-"It was...good [reading]." --Daniel K., Esq.

-"I was laughing and laughing and laughing." --Roger Ebert

-"I felt like I had read it before. Bravo!" --Velvet, Female

-"Superior to The Silence of the Lambs."--Johnathan Rosembaum, Chicago Reader

-"It wouldn't open in my email."--Jean C., Mother

-"Almost too sexy. It made me feel...uncomfortable."--Anonymous, Male

And there you have it. I'm not trying to brag here; that's just what they said. When you get glowing reviews like that, here's how you feel:

I raise the roof on an almost daily basis, but this time it had special meaning.

What's that? You DEMAND a synopsis?! Say no more:

It's Spring Break and the Wakefield twins and Sweet Valley High gang are heading to Middle-earth for two weeks of sun, revelry and the ultimate battle between good and evil!

At first Middle-earth doesn't seem to be too exciting. But soon the gang befriends a group of fun-loving hobbits, whose jovial ways suit Jessica just fine. The hobbits are so fun, Jessica has a hard time choosing her favorite! She finally decides she wants Frodo, yet he seems more interested in the hobbits than her, and his eyes sure seem to linger on Winston's size-eleven feet. Has Jessica finally found the man-creature she can't have?

And a mysterious older man in white has caught Elizabeth's eye. Who is this Gandalf, and how does he have so much wisdom? Elizabeth feels like she has finally met someone who understands her academic pursuits, like writing Sweet Valley High's acclaimed gossip column. But is Gandalf too good to be true?

...And with all this talk of a ring, will one of the twins soon be getting engaged? STAY TUNED!

Somehow, just somehow, the dry air of Middle-earth only seems to improve Jessica and Elizabeth's glowing complexions.

Now, yet again, I know what you're thinking. Sweet Valley High? The Lord of the Rings? Those are some of literature's most beloved and respected characters and I better treat them right. Well, don't worry; I've tackled tasks like this before. In my younger years, I penned a 46 page (non-erotic) Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction screenplay. And that project was so very wildly successful (so what if my screenplay was returned to me unopened not once, but TWICE, from Joss Whedon's office? So what if our trailer's YouTube views remain steady at 270? I judge a project's success by how embarrassed I am of it a few years later. And so far it's only mildly).

The bottom line is that you can trust me completely with these characters.

A face you can trust completely.

One (1) frequently asked question I've been receiving is if Buffy will find her way into this fanfiction. The answer is sadly no, because I don't think she could tolerate either of the Wakefield twins for more than five (5) minutes. Will the Family von Trapp make an appearance? I don't want to give it all away, but yes.

Captain von Trapp and Lila will clearly get it on.

*One small detail: I know next to nothing about The Lord of the Rings. I own the books but have yet to read them (they're on my list, I swear!). As for the movies, I saw a bit of the first one years ago but remember very little. I'm basing everything LoTR-related in this story off of what I've overheard from other people and my own notions of what I imagine LoTR to entail.

Which is pretty much this:

Now, I know the basics. There is a ring, there are hobbits and there is an epic journey. Brotherhood plays a part. I shall do my best to fill in the rest. My LoTR-loving (is there a word stronger than love? Something that ties in obsession? ) bf read my first Frodo-centric chapter and informed me there were numerous inaccuracies in the first (1st) sentence alone. So apparently hobbits don't wear sandals? Maybe they'd like to sometimes. And, like what, it's completely implausible that Frodo wouldn't be harboring a secret crush on Bilbo Baggins?

(I will admit that I did not know the two [2] were related when I began that erotic story line. And now I've gone too far to turn back. But look how happy they are!)

What else can I tell you about (the five existing chapters of ) Hobbit Heartache?

You will be shocked.

A few may laugh.

You will cry and need to be consoled/closely gripped by loved ones.

And since it's erotic fanfiction, well, things gonna happen. I can't tell you what, but you know how I love those (extremely misleading) teasers.


...And if you're a die-hard Lord of the Rings fan, you'll probably want to rage. Or cry and be gripped by a loved one again.

But remember it's all in good fun.

But also extremely serious.

Though I suspect only my mother (hi Mom!), my roommates (cable bill is due, guys) and confused Lord of the Rings fans who were misdirected by Google will be reading Hobbit Heartache, I invite you all to come along for the ride! I'll be posting chapters as I write them (in other words, very, very slowly). All of the gang will be there: Jessica & Elizabeth, Frodo & Bilbo, Bruce Patman & Winston, Samwise & Pippin, Lila & Mr. Jaworski and of course, Merry, the salacious hobbit who's finally grown tired of hiding his dark, lecherous ways.

You never once fooled me, Merry.

Chapter One coming soon!

PS- Many thanks go to Heather for helping to create the book cover. Work it, gurl!

PPS--If anyone would be interested in illustrating (the erotic crossover bestselling fanfiction) Hobbit Heartache, let's talk.