Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Gift of Love: Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Seven: A Day with Pippin

If you're feeling all lovey-dovey today, well, then that's swell. Hooray! Ain't love grand! Further romantic exclamations!

...And if you're feeling not so lovey-dovey today, well, then don't worry. We've got you covered, too. 

While I personally don't care much either way about Valentine's Day (except for the facts that I like to wear red, eat chocolate and I was supposed to be born today), I understand that for many it's a special day. So in honor of this romantic holiday, it is only fitting that the latest chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel, features an unsung romantic hero. 

His name is Pippin. 

Pippin is a hobbit. He's kinda cute. But he can be overlooked by the other more hunkly hunks of Hobbit Heartache.

Frodo, Bruce, Bilbo--how does a guy compete?

(Be prepared for next Valentine's Day by pre-ordering your copy of the 2013 calendar "Hunkly Hunks of Hobbit Heartache" today! Going fast! Mention code 'beefcake' for 10 percent discount!)

But Pippin's not one to be concerned about being a hunk. He's a simple guy. If Pippin were into the online dating scene (which he would not be), his profile might look something like this:

Name: Pippin! I'm a Hobbit!

Likes: Animals (the shinier, the better!), dancing, my best friend in the whole world Samwise, when Bilbo sings, Mork & Mindy

Dislikes: Ghosts (so scary!), rain, drinking, sleeping in, Elves (so scary!), when Samwise yells, reading (too hard), Dexter

Quote: "Pine cones are pretty but they hurt my mouth so!"

People I Want to Meet:

People Who Frighten Me:


Personal Goals: Finish my three-hour song for Sam, discover a brand new bird species, eat an entire field of daisies!

Pippin: the hobbit with a heart of gold and a brain of Swiss cheese. But lovable cheese that you don't care has a few holes in it. Can you tell I have a soft spot for dear Pippin?

(Oh hey, here's where I throw in my usual spiel about having little-to-no knowledge of the LOTR world and how I've been having far too much fun filling in the question marks with these characters. It's gotten to the point where I feel seriously attached to my character versions and whenever I hear someone say something that differs [e.g., Samwise isn't a raging alcoholic], in my head I'm all like 'Pshhhhh. What do you know?')

The proof is in that half-longing/half-furious gaze at Frodo's brandywine.

But enough about that. Come celebrate love in all its forms by spending a day in Middle-earth with Pippin! (And if you're spending Valentine's Day all alone, well, what better occasion to catch up on the erotic adventures of Hobbit Heartache? Chapter One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six)

As always, erotic and beautiful artwork is courtesy of Zak Tatham, whose brain nowhere near resembles Swiss cheese.

Alpha male Bruce has always had a weakness for finely toned rumps. 

Chapter Seven

“BIRD!” cried out Pippin, pointing to the sky.  “And there!  Bird!”  Birds were Pippin’s favorite thing.  Whenever he saw one, he had to tell everyone and make sure they saw, too. 

“That is a most beautiful bird, Pippin!” said Sam.   He smiled at Pippin and touched his back.

Pippin loved Sam.  Sam was kind and warm. Pippin liked to touch Sam’s hair and play with his curls, so soft, just like a hat made out of birds.  Pippin wished he had a hat made of birds.  He would never remove it from his head!  He grabbed the ponytail of the girl with long brown hair and pulled, HARD.  It was a fun game.

“I’m going to kill him,” said the Lila girl, rubbing her sore head.  She glared at Pippin and her eyes looked like mud.  Pippin liked it when Lila’s face turned red like fire and she spoke very loudly, like she was singing at the top of her lungs.  He made her do this a lot.  Thinking about it made Pippin want to sing very loudly and dance very fast.  So he did that.  For a very long time, perhaps even an hour!

Thursday, February 9, 2012


My friends and misdirected Google users, a wonderful, year-making event has occurred. It has changed me. I am a changed woman.


(Things I am painfully aware that I am still incapable of: basic mental math, eating mushrooms without shuddering and writing a blog post in less than five [5] hours.)

For you see, earlier this week I WON A FREE YEAR'S SUPPLY OF GREAT GRAINS CEREAL.

Imagine this box, but times twenty-four (24).

(Are we all applauding now? Just me? Surely one of you must be clapping now, right? No?)

funny gifs

Okay, there we go. THANK YOU. Someone who gets it.

Now, let me take you behind the scenes and give you a glimpse of how one wins a free year's supply of Great Grains cereal. It hasn't been easy. 

For the past few weeks, Great Grains has been holding a photo competition called "Raise the Seam." To enter, all you had to do was submit a picture of yourself with a cereal flake, making sure that the grain's seam down the middle was clearly displayed.

This thing.

There were two (2) phases to this competition, each running for about a week. You could submit a new photo each day and at the end of the week, the almighty Great Grains judges would select their favorite five (5). It was highly encouraged that you display both creativity and enthusiasm for Great Grains in your submissions.

A Great Grains-themed photo contest? Please. I was born for this. I knew this was a challenge I was going to...accept.


...Kinda. I somehow missed the boat on Phase One (1) of the competition (goddamn you, full-time employment!) and only managed to submit a single photo on the last day. I knew it had to be something special, something eye-catching, and yes, perhaps something fear-provoking.


...and I did not win. I was rejected. I lost. I lost while wearing a blue, shiny bolero jacket. Where is the justice in that?

Oh, sure, Great Grains tried to placate me by saying "Great photo!" but I mean, come on. Actions speak louder than words.  Clearly they HATED it. Phase One (1) was an abysmal bust. 

I only had one more chance. It was time for Phase Two. 

But like any successful project, it must begin with a cereal-themed photo shoot. My talented roommate/photographer Heather and I sat down with a storyboard to create a vision. Tens upon tens of photos were snapped. Stress levels? High. Makeup was applied, including eyeliner (EYELINER. That's major). There were multiple costume changes. Phrases such as "giving good face" and "losing your neck" were tossed about way too freely. Character back stories were created. One had lived several past grain-filled lives. 

Thirteen (13) hours later, we had our shots for the week. The following pictures were submitted to Great Grains, one for each contest day. I included captions whenever I felt it added something. 


Submitted with the keenly observed caption: "You can raise the seam anywhere, really. Even outside."

Submitted with the sadly true caption: "A romantic night at home is not complete without Great Grains I think. You don't even need anyone else."

"Great Grains are great for an active lifestyle."

You don't need a caption when you're wearing a bolero jacket. 

After my final submission, all I could do was sit and wait for an entire weekend while the judges deliberated. I'm not gonna lie. It was a rough weekend. I can finally understand how the contestants on America's Next Top Model feel during the judging panels. I could only hope that the Tyra Banks and Nigel Barker of Great Grains could tell that I really wanted it, for all of the right reasons.

It's also important to note that I didn't enter the Great Grains contest to make friends.

The days dragged. I was tense, maybe a little irritable. It's hard to relax and unwind to a third viewing of "Lovewrecked"  (our current favorite house movie) when you know your entire professional reputation is at stake.  I didn't know if I could take being humiliated by Great Grains yet again. I'm strong, but not THAT strong. 

But still pretty strong. 

On Tuesday morning, on an extended break from work that my boss surely wouldn't care about, I logged onto Facebook. I was hoping for this so hard that I wouldn't even let myself think about the possibility of winning. But in my Newsfeed, which usually serves as a daily reminder that my life is really boring and I don't have an iPhone, I was greeted by a familiar scene. A coyly smiling face cradling a cereal flake much like a mother cat cradles her kitten but with her teeth, or how Samwise the hobbit cradles his goatskin of brandywine after getting wrecked at the Shire. 

You get what I'm saying here, right? Screw it. It was me holding a piece of cereal.

"BIG congrats to Samantha C., Scott S., Connie F., Jennifer S. and April S.! You've won a year's supply of Great Grains for entering our "Raise the Seam" contest! Your photos made us smile and laugh -- we couldn't ask for better fans! We'll be in touch with you soon. Fans, we've got more exciting promotions coming up, so watch this spot!"

I, Samantha Clark, had just won a year's supply of Great Grains.

I didn't even know how to process this news. It was like all of my life's dreams, everything I've worked for in the past five (5) years, had just come true in a single Facebook post. The day was a blur--I completed my release form, filled out my flavor preferences (Crunchy Pecans, duh!) and received congratulations and warm wishes all day long. I felt like I had gotten engaged or given birth to multiple babies. But this news was better because it was free cereal and that will last forever.

You and me, GG. That's all I need...and my young adult book collection. And my cat. And my lava lamp and my bathrobe and that's all I need.

Has winning the Great Grains contest made me a different person? Yes. One hundred percent. It's hard for me to remember a time when I hadn't been a Great Grains contest winner. My roommates say it's difficult to live with me now, that I'm "drunk with power." I say "tell it to my 24 boxes of cereal."

Maniacal laugh...maniacal laugh...

But that's why I'm going to try my best to stay humble and remember my roots. My various missteps. Had I submitted other pictures from our shoot, there's a great chance that I would still be like one of you today. There were plenty of pictures that would have been perfect for "Not-Quite-Great Grains." Or "Women-Prisoners-Enjoy-Cereal-Too-Grains." Or "Is-that-Actually-Sweat-and-is-it-Actually-Dripping-onto-her-Sports-Bra-Grains"?  Or "Is-Cereal-Supposed-to-Make-Me-Feel-So-Uncomfortable-Grains?"


We tried a series where cereal flakes rained down upon me. While we really wanted it to work, ultimately we had to admit defeat. The flakes just made the camera lens look dusty and in several shots it looked like I had huge chunks of dandruff. No go.

"Too intense," said Heather. Well, actually Heather said this one was perfect and that I should definitely submit it (do you ever have that weird feeling that sometimes your friends don't have your best interests at heart?), but I went with my gut which said "too intense."

Too sexy. Way, way, waaaaay too sexy. 

I think there was a rule about no bodily fluids, so this one got the axe. 

This one made me feel vaguely uncomfortable every time I looked at it, so no. Just...no. 

My plan for the rest of the month is to bask in the glory of this and also update my resume's "Accomplishments" section. I feel like the world just said to me "Hey, your birthday's coming up. Let's give you a gift so magnificent, so wonderful, so perfectly crafted just for you that all of your friend's gifts shall pale in comparison." And I said, "OKAY!"

I'd like to say thank you, thank you, thank you to Great Grains, for bestowing this overwhelming honor upon me. I promise I will not let you down. I'd like to thank my Mom, for always believing in me and telling me never to give up on my dreams of winning a year's supply of my favorite cereal.  And I'd like to thank Heather, for indulging me in yet another Great Grains photoshoot. 

Vintage GG photo shoot, c. 2010. What an amateur. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Love Me

I'm trying something new...join me if you dare.

But no big deal if you don't.

I assume that you're like most readers in that you follow several blogs and not just mine (WHY?! I'm all that you need!). If so, you might find this thing I'm hawking to be helpful.

I'm trying to pay a lot of attention to my blog these days. Trying to nourish it, make it grow, and yes, perhaps expand my following.  I just signed my blog up for Bloglovin, "the easiest way to follow your favorite blogs!" All you do is log in, find your regular blogs and then you'll be able to see all of the latest posts and updates in a single location. My friends say it's very helpful. Easy breezy. Cuts way back on those tiring mouse clicks, which is a big problem these days.

So if you're interested, click the below link. If not, we shall never speak of this again and I'll see you in hell.

(just kidding! I'm going to bring this up all the time.)

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

And remember, trying new things is good. If people didn't try new things, we never would have discovered that geese look so good in fancy-lady clothes.

And that would be very sad.