Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter One

Pack your duffel bags and goatskins, kids; we're going to Middle-earth!

That's right--it's time for your first taste of Hobbit Heartache!  For those just joining us, Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/ Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story.  The world's first of its kind--can you believe that?!

Yes, I see that confused look on your face. And...is that distain? DISGUST?! Sheesh, hear me out first.   This explains the project in a bit more detail, though it likely won't answer your question of who in the world would want to read this.  Well, my plan is to give anyone who has a birthday/wedding/housewarming party in the next year an autographed copy of Hobbit Heartache from me as a gift.   That way I can force people to read it.

disappointed Pictures, Images and Photos


Before we dive in, a bit of info--chapters will mostly alternate between a Sweet Valley High viewpoint and a Lord of the Rings viewpoint. Stylistically, you'll be able to easily distinguish between the two (2) because the SVH chapters will be written to resemble a typical Sweet Valley High book (meaning every single opportunity to insert a glowing adjective praising the twins will of course be taken).  LOTR chapters will be written in a manner that almost perfectly mimics Tolkien.

(This is surprising considering I have never read his work. Not even once.)

(LOTR fans, prepare to ignite your angry mob instrument of choice now.)


I kid.  That ain't me.  My style is definitely more Pascal than Tolkien.

Each chapter is roughly five (5) to six (6) pages long, so they may require a bit of work from you, dear readers.  You guys are used to my mega blog posts, so just consider this a Special Edition Mega Blog Post. My motivational advice? Let the promise of eventual erotica keep you going! 

Ever wondered just what was hiding under that tunic? Or why Bilbo's smile is oh so coy? If so, this is the story for you!

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome on board my new erotic fanfiction illustrator, Zak.  Zak is responsible for  the naughty drawing at the top and you'll be seeing his work throughout the story.  I'm happy to have him along for the journey.  Be warned:  I think he wants to take it reallllly erotic.

Liz, no one ever knew you could get so freaky.

Now, with all of that housekeeping out of the way, don your sexiest halter top, sit back with your favorite burlap blanket, pour a lukewarm glass of brandywine and enjoy the first chapter of Hobbit Heartache.

Chapter 1

“Oh, Liz! I think I can almost see land!” Jessica Wakefield squealed, bouncing up and down in her airplane seat. “Look; I’m so excited that I have goose bumps!” she said, extending a tanned arm for her twin sister Elizabeth to inspect.

“Yup, you sure do,” Elizabeth confirmed, taking in Jessica’s slim, goose bumped arm. “But what changed from five minutes ago, when you told me you’d rather be stuck on a desert island with Winston Egbert again than go to Middle-earth for Spring Break?”

“Welllll,” Jessica drawled, “I decided that even if Middle-earth seems boring, I’ll just make sure that I meet some not-so-boring boys to make it fun. Plus, I bet they’ll have sexy accents, like Jamie Peters or that guy I dated who turned out to be a vampire.”

Elizabeth watched her attractive sister shivering with excitement and smiled a knowing smile to herself. It was typical Jessica, changing her mind every ten minutes. If Jessica were ever forced to apply for an actual job, her resume would read everything from star actress to subpar jewelry designer to occasional model/gang member.

What others might declare an undiagnosed case of bipolar disorder, Liz understood that it was just Jessica’s way. Whereas Jessica spent her spare time dancing like a trollop at the Beach Disco or cheering on the Sweet Valley High Gladiators as Head Cheerleader, Elizabeth preferred the calmer, more mundane aspects of life, much like an extremely elderly woman. Her favorite things to do were to spend quiet evenings at home playing non-erotic Scrabble with her long-term boyfriend, Todd Wilkins, or to give well-thought out advice to a friend or stranger in need.

Personality-wise, the twins were like Bruce Patman and Enid Rollins—as different as night and day! At first glance, however, Jessica and Elizabeth appeared exactly the same. Both stood a statuesque five feet six inches and were a perfect size six. Their long limbs were tanned and toned from years of swimming in the Wakefield family’s spacious backyard pool. Honey-blonde hair fell to their un-masculine shoulders in gentle waves, streaked with golden highlights. Though their hair never required styling, Elizabeth usually wore hers pulled back with a single chaste barrette, while Jessica let hers flow wild and free. Both styles looked astonishing.

The twins possessed sparkling aquamarine eyes the exact color of the Pacific Ocean on a glorious afternoon, though Jessica’s usually twinkled with a mischievous glint and Elizabeth’s reflected a sense of complete serenity and a deeper, all-knowing understanding. They often received compliments on their majestic eyelids and their thick eyelashes, which were so long that they on occasion gently startled the twins upon waking. Their lips were almost daily compared to rosebuds and their snow-white teeth to an oyster’s pearl found in the Pacific Ocean on that same glorious afternoon. Their tongues were a healthy shade of crimson and fell delicately inside their mouths. Both Elizabeth and Jessica’s wisdom teeth had descended perfectly and there was of course no need for any dental surgery. When the twins joined into conversations with witty and delightful insights, their breath smelled of either Christmas morning or a freshly made batch of blueberry pancakes, depending on the season.

Their waists were whittled and their noses were enviable. Both girls had hands which were somehow gentle and powerful at the same time and strong, clean nails which demonstrated that they each received more than an adequate amount of calcium in their Californian diets. They were blessed with supple knuckles which would easily allow for a two-carat wedding ring to be one day slipped onto a dainty finger. Jessica’s elbows were graceful while Elizabeth’s were glistening. The skin which covered their perfect bodies was tan, smooth and completely unblemished, except for the one distinguishing physical feature between the twins—a charming beauty mark found on Elizabeth’s right un-masculine shoulder. This beauty mark only served to somehow improve Elizabeth’s looks. Though both very active, neither girl had a single scar or unsightly mark on their bodies nor could even begin to explain what “cellulite” was. At least twice a day, the twins would stop to compliment a beautiful stranger on her dazzling looks before realizing that they were simply staring into a mirror. This grew exhausting but both girls luckily had unusually high levels of energy.

Jessica and Elizabeth also possessed a keen sense of equilibrium which lent them a gait that was both cat-like and agile. To call their knees knobby would be an insult to knees everywhere, as theirs were shapely and led the way down to trim ankles. The girls wore size six shoes to match their size six figures and were equally comfortable in high heels for dancing or athletic shoes for an impromptu hike in Death Valley. Their toenails were pearlescent and looked like ten perfect seashells perched on gilded feet. The soles of their feet were-

“Hey! What are you two lovely ladies smiling about?” said Winston Egbert, Sweet Valley High’s resident junior class clown. He leaned across the plane aisle to poke Elizabeth in her slender arm and jolt her back to reality. Thinking about themselves often sent the twins into a pleasurable reflective state, recognizable by the small, satisfied smile on their lovely faces and glossed-over yet still sparkling aquamarine eyes. Friends of the twins had learned how to identify when the girls had slipped into this state and to not rush them out of it.

“Oh nothing, Win. I’m just getting excited thinking about the next two weeks we’re going to have in Middle-earth! Do you think we’ll be able to do the soil erosion testing that Mr. Jaworski talked to us about?” asked Elizabeth.

“Uhh…maybe, Liz. I don’t know,” shrugged Winston. “But I heard that Middle-earth has some prime nude beaches. And I just might have forgotten to pack my swim trunks on purpose,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows up and down in a comical fashion at Jessica, who wrinkled her pert nose in turn.

“Oh please, Winston, like anyone would want to see that. Once we land this plane, keep you and your nude body far away from me,” said Jessica, rolling her glittering eyes at Elizabeth.

“Now, Jess. Remember that even though it’s Spring Break, we’re here on a school trip. We’re all going to have to work together to get our projects done. And I definitely don’t want to end up doing all of the work while you have your fun. You’ll have to find a balance because I want to have fun, too,” said Liz firmly.

“What’s this I hear? Star student Elizabeth Wakefield wants to have some fun on Spring Break? The altitude change must be getting to you, Liz,” chimed in Lila Fowler, with one perfectly groomed eyebrow raised.

Lila was seated one row behind the twins, much to her chagrin at not being seated in first class. Lila was used to getting exactly what she wanted and was rarely seen in anything but the latest designer fashions. She lived with her father in their sprawling mansion that hosted almost daily parties, Fowler Crest. Mr. Fowler was an extremely successful business man who travelled the world and saw his daughter only on occasion. In exchange for being a proper father, he gave Lila complete control of his credit card as well as numerous repressed daddy issues. Lila was considered one of Sweet Valley High’s biggest snobs but was also one of Jessica’s best friends. Elizabeth had a hard time stomaching her but the two had a civil relationship, mostly due to Liz’s charitable kindness.

Lila had been forced into going on the class trip to Middle-earth because her father was away in Paris collaborating on a business project with Alice Wakefield, the twins’ youthful-looking mother. As a prosperous interior designer, Alice often worked intimately on various projects with many of the leading men in town. Sometimes Alice was too tired to wake up early on the weekends and make a fresh batch of blueberry pancakes for her family, but her kids usually forgave her. Ned, her husband, did not.

“Yes, Lila. I want to have some fun while we’re in Middle-earth. What’s wrong with that?” Elizabeth testily replied.

“Fun like sneaking out and dancing all night long? Or fun like staring at plant cells under a microscope all day? With you I think I need to clarify,” sneered Lila, causing Jessica to giggle. A passenger seated a few rows back suddenly sat up straight at the sound of Jessica’s delighted giggle and wondered what caused an angel to laugh like so.

“Come on, guys! You act like I’m an old maid or something. There’s nothing wrong with having fun with your schoolwork. And besides, with Todd away at basketball camp and Enid back at rehab, I think this might be the perfect time for me to do some things that I really like,” said Elizabeth.

“Well, Miss Independent, if you’re really up for some fun, you know where I’ll be. On a silk towel on the beach, soaking up the sun and being served lemonade by a Middle-earth hunk,” replied Lila, leaning back in her seat with a satisfied smile on her attractive face.

Just then Bruce Patman sauntered down the aisle, holding a chilled glass with a slice of lime on the side.

“How’s coach treating you second-class citizens?” sneered Bruce, taking a sip of his iced drink. Despite being on a plane for the past eight hours and in the bathroom with Annie “Easy Annie” Whitman for the past two, Bruce’s khaki pants remained crisp and without a crease. His navy cashmere sweater had not a trace of lint on it and his Italian alligator skin shoes shined as if they had just been freshly polished. His dark brown hair perfectly framed his face, accentuating his strong features and classically handsome looks.

Bruce not only had the looks but the goods to back it up as well. The Patman family was among the wealthiest families in Sweet Valley. They were rivaled only by the Fowler’s, a fact which Bruce and his parents hated. The most popular boy in the senior class, Bruce was notorious for his womanizing ways and his many conquests. It was every girl’s dream at Sweet Valley High to take a ride in Bruce’s sleek black Porsche with the personalized license plate of “1BRUCE1.” Both Jessica and Elizabeth had been in 1BRUCE1 numerous times, though never all together. That was, in fact, one of Bruce’s personal goals.

“Bruce…is that alcohol on your breath?” asked Elizabeth with a concerned tone in her melodious voice.

“Oh calm down, it’s just a gin and tonic, Saint Wakefield. You could probably use a few yourself,” retorted Bruce.

“At Fowler Crest, I drink red wine with dinner every night. It’s what everyone does in Paris,” stated Lila, leaning forward to join the conversation.

“How did you get back to your seat so fast, Lila? Weren’t you just in line for the bathroom?” asked Bruce, his brow furrowed with confusion.

“Seeing as I don’t use public bathrooms, no,” replied Lila with distaste.

“That’s weird…I could have sworn that was you,” said Bruce slowly, swirling his drink in thought.

“But hey, more importantly, how did you even get a drink, Bruce? Last I checked, we’re all underage,” said Winston.

“Oh please, like that’s a problem for me. The stewardess used to work for my father and is a family friend. Except my Mom hates her.  Plus, we own this airline,” replied Bruce, taking a swig of his drink.

“That’ll do it, I guess. Order me a pink lemonade martini with extra olives, would you?” asked Winston in an exaggerated upper-class British accent.

Bruce dismissed Winston with a wave of his hand and instead looked at the girls.

“So ladies, what are the plans for once we land? Who’s up for sneaking into my hotel?” jeered Bruce.

“Ohh! I am; I am!” yelled Winston, frantically waving his gangly arms around and practically falling out of his seat.

“Wakefield, what’s up with all this silence? That’s not like you. Big plans for this trip?” asked Bruce, looking directly at Jessica.

“You could say that,” Jessica replied, with a coy smile on her perfectly symmetrical face. “I think this is going to be a very important trip for me. I may not be returning alone, if you know what I mean.”

“I have no idea what you mean, actually,” said Bruce, already losing interest. He craned his neck to find a stewardess to refill his now-empty drink.

“Well, I keep having these dreams about a ring-“Jessica began.

“A ring that’s gold with writing all over it! And it’s really important or expensive or something! I keep having that dream, too!” exclaimed Elizabeth, turning to her twin with a shocked look on her unbelievably good-looking face.

“Liz! Do you think…do you think it means someone is going to propose to us? Maybe we’ll both get married in Middle-earth! Can you imagine? It’s going to be so romantic!” squealed Jessica, her awe-inspiring face flushed with excitement.

The two faced each other and shared a meaningful look. Being identical twins, they had a sort of psychic bond with each other, something they referred to as “twin’s intuition.” Elizabeth could always tell when Jessica was in trouble or needed help, and vice versa. This skill proved handy when Elizabeth was kidnapped by a deranged hospital orderly named Carl, or when Jessica was lost at sea after a class sailing trip went awry. Or when an evil doppelganger named Margo tried to murder Elizabeth to take over her life. Or when Jessica was held hostage by an evil camp counselor while working at summer camp. Or when the twins foiled a murder attempt and were stalked by the angry murderer. Or when Margo’s own twin sister named Nora tried to avenge Margo’s alleged death by attempting to kill Elizabeth once more. Or when Elizabeth fell in love with a werewolf while working in London and narrowly avoided being mauled to death. After all of those hijinks, the two intuitive girls had learned that whenever they shared an identical dream, it meant something important was going to happen.

A crackly voice came over the loudspeaker just then and made an announcement.

“Good afternoon to all of our passengers of Air Force Patman. We will now begin our initial descent into the Middle-earth airport, terminal three. Landing time will be in approximately thirty minutes. Please return to your seats and prepare for landing.”

A cheer went up throughout the plane from all the Sweet Valley students on board. As Mr. Jaworski tried to quiet down the group, Winston popped out of his seat for one last dash to the bathroom, tripping over his size eleven feet and spilling out into the plane aisle. Olivia Davidson finally put down her guitar, having played it for almost the entire ten hour trip. Easy Annie scrubbed frantically at her cheerleader’s uniform after noticing some unfortunate stains. Ken Matthews, star quarterback for the Sweet Valley High Gladiators, had somehow managed to sleep for the whole plane ride and only now woke up, looking around groggy and confused. Lila reclined in her seat and pulled her silk eye mask back over her mocha-brown eyes, well aware of the negative effect air travel could have on her delicate complexion. Bruce sauntered back to first class, winking at a stewardess on his way. A buzz of excitement seemed to fill the entire plane, and students peered out the windows to watch the landing.

As all of this activity was going on, Jessica and Elizabeth sat frozen in their seats, still reeling from the discovery of their mysterious shared dream about a gold ring.

“This trip is going to be amazing, Liz; I just know it!” said Jessica, her radiant eyes shining.

And even Elizabeth, forever the practical twin and the voice of reason, couldn’t help but get goose bumps all over her slim body. She could feel in her calcium-fortified bones that it was going to be an important trip and that something remarkable would happen. But getting married? Elizabeth wasn’t too sure about Jessica’s interpretation of their dream.

Well, I definitely won’t be getting married. My steady boyfriend Todd that I would never cheat on isn’t even here! Maybe I’ll make some kind of incredible archaeological discovery and write an award-winning piece on it, she thought to herself. A credible international piece of work would certainly help her portfolio and maybe even get her a promotion at The Oracle, the school newspaper where Elizabeth wrote a weekly column, the “Eyes and Ears.” Though Elizabeth usually only reported on recycled school gossip or whatever miscellaneous celebration that Sweet Valley was holding that day, she took her work very seriously and tended to believe that each piece was ground-breaking news. Elizabeth thought of all the potential this trip held and a wide smile broke out on her stunning face.

“You know, Jess…I think you may just be right!” replied Elizabeth.

What awaits the Sweet Valley gang upon their arrival in Middle-earth? Will Jessica’s excessively cocky prediction of a proposal come true? Will Elizabeth forget about soil erosion and embrace her wild side? And knowing that neither Easy Annie nor Bruce has a history of air sickness, what in the world were they doing in the bathroom for two hours?!



  1. Oh how I have missed those SVH twins! Congrats on getting your first chapter out-as a big SVH fan, I can assure you that you have carried out this chapter in true Pascalian fashion-she will be proud of you. Can't wait to read the rest. I'm really loving Bruce!!

  2. My little girl is growing up....your first erotic crossover fanfiction story.
    An what a roller coaster ride it is...I laughed, I cried--I spit up a little in my mouth Could not be prouder xxoo Mom

  3. can't wait til the eroticism kicks in and there is a paperback version to hold. feeling a lot of energy in my calcium rich bones.

  4. Wonderful vivid description! Can I get mine in pop-up book form please?

    Dodge on.

  5. Thanks for reading Chapter 1, guys! And that thanks comes from the bottom of my abnormally strong, ruby red, glossy, amazingly rhythmic heart. And get ready for some sexiness once we hit hobbit land.

    Oh, and Mom, just remember that whenever the erotic parts come up, it's that ghostwriter that I hired writing, not me! I swear.

  6. Hey Sam- I really enjoyed reading the first chapter. Congratulations! It reads like the old Hardy Boy books I used to read.


  7. "Both Elizabeth and Jessica’s wisdom teeth had descended perfectly and there was of course no need for any dental surgery. "

    Bahahaha! And I wonder who the mysterious Lila look alike in the bathroom is.... I have a hunch. This is seriously brilliant.

  8. Heather "H-Town" TrollopeSeptember 30, 2011 at 6:59 AM

    "Whereas Jessica spent her spare time dancing like a trollop"

    Well, if by that you mean "dancing super awesome and well", then I agree.

  9. Dan--I'm glad you liked it! I never delved into the Hardy Boys when I was younger, but I read a few Nancy Drew and the Boxcar Children. Maybe one day we will live in a world where Hobbit Heartache will be read to young children everywhere. Just imagine!

    Winston, I forgot to mention that the twins were also both without their appendixes, but I guess that goes without saying. As for the Lila mystery, well, I can't say much yet, but let me ask an (extremely misleading) question: do you think Morbida Destiny has a passport? ;)

    Trollope, yes, that is exactly what I meant. You are the best dancer I know (besides myself, Velvet and Money) (And Beyonce).

  10. You would ascent their dazzling aquamarine eyes! Great job Sam, you've already got me wanting more (glad there's already a couple more chapters out!)
    You're an exceptional writer and should really make this into a paperback edition; it would definitely sell like hotcakes...or blueberry pancakes ;)

  11. Thank you, Merg! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Whenever I make the story into a leatherbound version, you shall be receiving it for the discounted price of one (1) bag of mangoes.

    ...and now I want to eat pancakes.

  12. Dear Sam,

    Way to make me lol actually a bunch. It was gripping & hilarious, bravo! Tomorrow I dig into chapter 2.

    P.S do you have the twins' phone #?? hooks a brother up!

  13. Craiggers, I'm glad you lol'd. Soon you may cry. And then you will you gasp with the subtle yet extremely graphic erotica. Get ready!

    I'm happy that you liked it, even though it's no Hunger Games. And I'm thinking maybe you and Elizabeth would hit it off; lemme see if I can pull some strings for you.