Sunday, December 25, 2011

No Snow

I really wanted to send my holiday wishes to all of you guys earlier, but I was too busy going wassailing door to door with my roommates and cats. Sorry about the delay; we just had to make sure we hit up the ol' retirement home and cat shelter.

If we can make just one (1), JUST ONE (1), cat smile, then we've done our job.

Juuuuust kidding; I'm currently in Florida visiting family. It's almost 80 degrees (F) outside and nary a wassail was had. It feels strange to be sweating on Christmas. 

But don't let anyone ever tell you that Christmas dreams can't come true. Because sometimes, when someone reads your blog and sees what you really want and then goes on eBay and wins a bidding war and then wraps it and gives it to you on Christmas, your Christmas dreams CAN come true. 

...Christmas dreams like SWEET VALLEY HIGH: THE BOARD GAME!  

(for when the books just aren't enough)

Devin definitely earned the Brother of the Week award with this one. 

He also got my Mom this t-shirt, so it's safe to say he won Christmas this year. 

You can bet your bippy I'll do a full post dedicated to a review of this game, but for now, I made my Mom and brother play a "quick round" with me to give it a whirl.  Two (2) hours later, I was triumphant, having found my boyfriend, corsage, prom decorations and prom gown in time for the big date. My Mom came in a close second and Devin wholly regretted his purchase. (His biggest mistake? Choosing Enid as his character. Newb!)

Happy holidays, everyone! I hope your cats are smiling, your weather is brisk and your Sweet Valley High memorabilia is plentiful. 

...and I hope your Santa beards were more durable than mine. Helpful holiday tip: use cotton balls instead of makeup remover pads. You live and you learn. Now enough wisdom; there's a King of Queens Christmas marathon that's calling my name. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Five

Will Jessica steal Frodo's hair-covered heart?

The rumors? All true.  That office scuttlebutt you overhead?  Confirmed. The word on the street?  Verily accurate.

The moment you've all been waiting for is finally here.


I think we all know what that's time to break out the brandywine and root beer floats and rejoice!


Like I said, rejoice.

Are you feeling a bit on the fence over whether you should read Chapter Five (5)? Well, here's what I can tell you:

Worlds will collide!  Hobbit hair will fly! Aquamarine eyes will sparkle! Merry will get his perv on! Graphic sexual encounters will occur!

What else is new, right?

(also, one of those might not be entirely true...yet. )

...and that's all you get for spoilers. We both have to put in some effort to make this work.

Now, if you've fallen a bit behind in Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction, it's okay. Things get busy. Costumes gotta be worn. Cats gotta be tended to.  I know how it is.

Trust me, I know.

Backstory, get your backstory here:

Okay, enough fanfare.  Let's do this thing! I hope you enjoy, and I'd like to thank everyone who actually takes the time to wade their way through these chapters.   You guys are the Bilbo to my Frodo. <3

Prints available from the talented Zak Tatham.  I hear he's open for cash or haggling, whatever you got. 

Chapter Five

“Can we please take a break? My feet are killing me,” moaned Lila, stopping abruptly in her tracks.

Jessica rolled her glorious eyes as the group came to a halt. This was the third time they’d taken a break that day, all due to Lila’s nonstop complaining. Lila was one of Jessica’s best friends but was sometimes best in small doses. And this trip to Middle-earth had been anything but a small dose of Lila.

“Maybe if you hadn’t worn your brand new Italian suede heels just for a plane ride you’d be able to walk for more than ten minutes,” replied Jessica testily.

“You’re one to talk,” said Lila, staring pointedly at Jessica’s striped espadrilles.

“Excuse me? I’m leading the pack here, not limping around and whining,” exclaimed Jessica, her feisty southern Californian temper beginning to emerge.

“Ladies, ladies,” interrupted Bruce. “You’re both morons. But let’s not forget the biggest moron here, Mr. Winston Egbert himself, destroyer of buses and buzz killer of vacations.”

“Oh, forgive me, guys. Anyone remember our old friend Olivia? The one who died by being burned alive in an explosion? Maybe you should think about her for a second instead of whining about your shoes,” snapped Winston, uncharacteristically serious.

“Guys, guys. Let’s cool it, okay? I know we’ve been walking all day and we’re all tired and stressed, but arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Let’s take a quick break and then regroup. I have a feeling we might come across a town soon and then we can get help,” said Elizabeth, trying her best to soothe the tense group.

Jessica rolled her mesmerizing eyes to herself once more. Thank you very much, Mother Teresa, she thought. She knew Elizabeth was just trying to help, but her relentless optimism was starting to wear thin. They had been hiking deeper and deeper into the thick forest all day trying to find anyone who could help them. After endless hours of walking, it looked like they were in the exact same place as where they started—surrounded by trees and not a single sign of human life.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving Part II

Yesterday was American Thanksgiving, aka Thanksgiving Part II, aka the day my boss lets us order in Swiss Chalet Festive Specials for lunch. It was also the day when I got to wear my sexy turkey costume to work.

You know, people scoffed last Halloween when I told them of my sexy turkey costume plans, but I was thinking of the long-term benefits. When would I ever reuse a sexy pigeon costume?! I have no regrets.

Though my Thanksgiving was spent in an office, it was probably pretty similar to yours.

We expressed our gratitude for the meal we were about to consume.

We feasted.

We forced festive cheer upon those who did not want it.

And we spilled cranberry sauce on the white carpet.

The stain is now covered by a desk drawer that must forever remain open.  The boss will never suspect a thing!

This year, I am thankful for many a reason.

I am thankful for the Great Grains Facebook group, of which I participate in daily.

I like talking to other people who enjoy Great Grains.  And I like talking about cats in relation to Great Grains. And I like talking about my ideas for Great Grains-themed fanfictions (mostly non-erotic).  I think the group might hate me but I sure do love them.

I am thankful for my roommates, who make me laugh and are among the very few people that I could stand seeing in the mornings for 6:00 a.m. jogs.

(Explanation: we've just embarked on a new fitness routine and I am actually very pumped about it because I love exercise, even when it takes place in the pitch black and it's minus ten Celsius outside.  Talk to me in a week to see how pumped up I remain.)

My roommates are also perhaps the most frequent commenters on my blog and I promise you that I do not force them to do this.  Yes, I give each of them the silent treatment until I see a sufficiently complimentary comment on each post, and yeah, I withhold necessary life resources from them until they congratulate me in person on each new post , but I use no force.  I'm way too busy for that.

I am thankful that Money has made it through another year.

That may sound callous, but I think it is something worth celebrating.  It's been a rough year for Money.  There was that short bout with fleas (are they still there? Who knows? It's more fun being a mystery) and her balance has grown so poor that she falls off the couch at least twice a day.  It's not easy being Money but at least she looks good in hats.  A lot of cats don't.

I am thankful for an eventful year of travel that allowed me to see my Mom and my brother Devin, hang with my cherished old friends and also make a few new ones.

(fancy photos courtesy of my talented friend Jenn)

But mostly I'm thankful for the self-serve frozen yogurt place that's opening up right by my work. That stuff is crazy!

(I hope you had a) Happy Thanksgiving, my American family and friends!  Let's just ignore Black Friday, aight? Unless it's at Target and then I completely understand.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Hobbit Heartache-- Chapter Four: A Journey Begins

The hobbits are caught in an erotic web of love and also the cohesive material that spider webs are made out of. 

As I begin this post, I am sitting on the floor in the Washington Dulles International Airport at 11:00 p.m., waiting for a delayed flight back home.  I've just spent the weekend celebrating one of my best friend's wedding (congratulations, Rosie and Joe!), and am feeling overwhelmed with all of the happiness this weekend brought.  Old friendships, new friendships, jumping shots on the beach-- this weekend truly had it all.


And I thought to myself, still whilst sitting on that airport floor, what better way to capture these feelings of love than to work on the ol' erotic  fanfiction novel?  Rosie and Joe, I hereby dedicate this erotic chapter of Hobbit Heartache to you (the best wedding present money could buy, eh?). 

I know it's been awhile, so I will very kindly sum up Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction novel, thus far in one (1) sentence for everyone.

Spring Break in Middle-earth isn't exactly what the Sweet Valley High gang envisioned after their tour bus explodes, leaving them stranded and lost in the forest; meanwhile, the gaping hole in Frodo's heart leads him to volunteer for a mysterious journey with his beloved Bilbo Baggins, who, along with the carnally creative Merry, the staggering sot Samwise, the delightfully dimwitted Pippin and the masterfully mystifying Gandalf, will soon prove that Sweet Valley isn't the only town where almost anything can happen... 

Got it?  

confused gif Pictures, Images and Photos

Okay, you know what? I tried.  Do it the hard way and read Chapter One, Two and Three.  Or call me and we'll talk through it.  

Now that we're all caught up, let's get to what you've all been waiting for:  the chapter where you get to read about a nude Bilbo bathing in the Hobbiton springs!  Hot damn.   

Enjoy. (And also remember that I know nothing about LOTR and this is my complete imagining of their world.  And enjoy.)

Limited edition prints available from Zak Tatham. 

Chapter Four—A Journey Begins

Morning in Hobbiton came as rays of sun spread over the remnants of the previous night’s festivities. Sleeping hobbits lay splayed across grass, covered by a moist blanket of dewdrops. The once-magnificent fire had breathed its last breath and was now composed of a few dying embers, cool to the touch. Though the hobbits had danced well into the night, the revelry had been mixed with a touch of apprehension, for all of Hobbiton wondered what would soon face them.

From within a deep slumber, Frodo heard the sweet call of a lilac-spotted dove and willed his eyes to open and face the morn. He tried to move his body upright but found he could not, for Merry’s arm was strewn over him, the long, black strands of curly hair shining with clear drops of dew. It seemed that Merry’s warm body had pressed close against Frodo’s all the night long, for there was not a bit of space between the two.

“Merry,” Frodo whispered into his friend’s ear, “it is time to rouse yourself, for the sun is shining and the song of the birds can be heard loud and clear.”

Merry awoke with a start, his eyes widening as the realization of his close proximity to Frodo dawned upon him. His hands fluttered to the front of his brown tunic, brushing against his hardened rod with alarm. It brought none of the pleasure that it normally did. He smoothed his tunic front over his burlap trousers with the speed of a jackrabbit and silently willed for Frodo to look elsewhere. Merry’s interrupted dream had been quite stimulating, as his dreams tended to be.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Halloween 2011: Even Sexier Than 2010

As always, the house party was a success.
Mood: Melancholic

The first week of November is always tainted by the post-Halloween blues for me.  The dismantling of decorative cobwebs, the discarding of rotted pumpkins and the dwindling supply of candy bars in our house are all a few of my least favorite things.

But I shall remember Halloween 2011 as a time of laughter. A time of gelatin libations. A flurry of face paint, powdered wigs and bronzer five shades too dark. It's not too soon to reminisce, is it?

Velvet doesn't think so. HALLOWEEN MEGA BLOGPOST TIME!

We started the Halloween festivities on Friday with a party at my friend Sammie's house.  Sammie runs her own fitness company, so we knew this party was going to be full of sexy fitness instructors in sexy costumes.  With us being more of sexy TV-watchers/cat owners, the pressure was on to look good.  REAL good.

So we sexed it up! I'm talking skintight long johns, bare shoulders with nary a pashmina in sight and powdered wigs with only one coat of baby powder.  We were like a small, well-mannered army of skanks.

Heather was a sexy zebra, Velvet was a sexy flapper and can you guess what I am?


...Maybe THIS will help.

Sexy George Washington, duh!  Now it all makes sense.

The party was a flurry of sexy dancing, sexy catered foods, sexy DJ's spinning house music and even a sexy pinata filled with candy.   Needless to say, we partook in all of these activities.


By which I mean we ate a lot of catered food and candy. A looooootttttt of candy.  You have to eat like ten (10) fun-size candy bars to equal one (1) normal candy bar, so whatever.  It wasn't weird.  

If you want guests who hoard their own candy stashes, we're your gals!

And in the most ironical highlight of the night, guess who won best female costume?


I accepted my bottle of Moet & Chandon, the finest of all the effervescent ales, with a ten (10) minute inaugural address urging my fellow partygoers to improve our alliance with France and to explore the western lands.   Eric won the Best Male Costume prize with his (vintage) Tigger costume.  You can see him passed out on the couch here after doing too many push-ups (actually true.  I told you it was a fitness party).  Shortly after our wins, we said our farewells to prepare for Saturday.

Time for costume number two (2) and a festive gathering at our abode! 

Guaranteed the living room will still look exactly like this three (3) months from now.

Velvet and I were VERY excited for our costume this year.  It was one that we've been thinking about doing for years, and what with Occupy Wall Street and the upcoming elections, we knew it was time.

It required a lot of handiwork, of which Velvet did most and of which she did an amazing job.

Fun Fact: Our book was almost  mistakenly titled "Goulish Games," which would have actually been okay, since spelling errors are pretty de rigueur in Sweet Valley High.

Ready for the final product?

We FINALLY got to live our dreams and be Jessica and Elizabeth freakin' Wakefield for a night! And it was everything we ever dreamed it would be!

Not too bad, huh?  And yes, Velvet and I understand how good we look with platinum, sun-kissed blonde hair.  No need to comment upon it.

In my night as Jessica Wakefield, I made at least three (3) different grand entrances to the party, won twelve (12) contests, was asked out by every single male present and seductively purred one hundred and thirty-seven (137) times.   I also cheated on several boyfriends, destroyed a few people's reputations and betrayed my own twin sister numerous times.  Busy night!

And of course, the best part of this costume was the multitude of photo opportunities.  While Velvet and I definitely recreated some of the classic Sweet Valley High covers,  our guests helped us invent a few new stories that Francine Pascal strangely forgot to write. 

Title:  Smuggler's Secret
Tagline: After her brief stint as a drug mule goes awry, Jessica is forced to spend ten years in a Thai prison.   Will she win the title Queen of Lard Yao's Ward Nine or will her newfound rival Anchali upstage her?

Title: Primate Love
Tagline: Liz's summer internship at the Sweet Valley Zoo leads her to find love where she least expects it. Whose chocolate brown eyes will she choose--Todd's or Miko the Ape's?

Title: Tool Time Terror
Tagline: When Al Borland and Wilson come to Sweet Valley to undertake a little home improvement on the Wakefield's split-level Spanish-style house, disaster strikes. Will Elizabeth be able to repair the structural damage done to her beautiful home, or will she be forever doomed to live in a poorly grouted and sunken house?

Title:  Distressed Denim
Tagline:  Jessica has fallen hard for Brick, a Hell's Angel with a passion for arson. She'll do anything to grab his attention...even if it means murder.   After Jessica burns down Fowler Memorial Hospital, Elizabeth knows she must intervene. Will Elizabeth stand in the way of this fiery love match or will Jessica be caught in her own flames of hell?

Title: Brotherly Love
Tagline:  The twin's older brother, Steven, has flunked out of college and is back at Sweet Valley High with Jess and Liz.  Will the holy trifecta of Wakefield's rule the school or will Steven's elicit affair with Mr. Collins be the scandal that finally tears them apart?

All these titles and more coming soon to a bookstore dumpster near you!

After our guests had fulfilled their dreams of starring in their own Sweet Valley High novel, the party proceeded as most parties do.

People laughed.

People lurked.


(mostly just this guy.)

And people terrorized the cats.

The party ended around 4:30 a.m., with about five (5) people dancing in the living room to Sean Kingston's  "Shawty Fire Burnin' on the Dance Floor" (which, coincidentally, is a favorite song of both Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield's).

Like any good Halloween, we finished with a night of costumed dodgeball.

We may have lost both of our games, but boy, did we have spirit.  I also learned the valuable Halloween lesson that wearing a woolen coat and powdered wig to dodgeball will NOT contribute to your catches, dodges, self-esteem or ease of breathing.  You live and you learn.

And now I sit in our bat-filled living room and patiently wait until the next occasion when I can don a costume. American Thanksgiving, I'm looking at you. 

Mark my words, my cat will be wearing this costume, only sexier.