I'm Gonna Find My Purpose: or How to Make Your Own Vision Board

It's the first month in a gloriously new year!

A glorious new year that hasn't yet been tainted by your passive-aggressive boss who leaves a new project for you at 4:45 p.m. on a Friday, or that stupid ex who still hasn't discovered what "feelings" are and is therefore incapable of discussing them,  or those cats who puke after every meal and seriously why do I even bother buying the expensive brand of food when they just throw it all up anyway and oh my lord this year is going to suck.

NO.

We must combat this type of thinking. It is negative and soul-sucking and there's just no good reason to do that to yourself. And here's how you fight it:

YOU MAKE A VISION BOARD!

You've probably heard of these before. Google image them and a million (1,000,000) come up. While you don't need to convince me of the power of a good collage, many other people not related to me credit vision boards with helping them to discover their life ambition, refine their goals and to manifest their dreams into destiny.

...

I know, sounds familiar, right? But no, my Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie reversible collage does not technically count as a vision board.

 

(still for sale, price negotiable)

And all you have to do is fill a poster board with images that you feel connected to, things that represent your goals or inspire you. You can also use words or phrases.

Vision boards can come in all different forms, as everyone's vision/aptitude for creating beautiful art is different. Check out a few I found via Google:

These are all correct, although some look a bit more correct than others.

Since it's late January and I haven't yet manifested anything, much less my dreams, into destiny and also haven't made a subversive collage in awhile, I decided to give it a try. My roommate Velvet and I sat down with a huge pile of magazines on a Sunday evening to MANIFEST OUR DESTINIES. And you too can MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY in just a few simple steps.

HOW TO MAKE A VISION BOARD IN JUST A FEW SIMPLE

BUT EXTREMELY IMPORTANT STEPS

1.) Make sure you're dressed properly for the occasion. Do you really think destiny is going to want to manifest with you when you're wearing those elastic-ankle sweatpants that need a wash? No, it won't. It'll manifest with the guy wearing the four thousand (4,000) dollar suit. COME ON, Velvet. Think!

Now, THIS...this we can work with.

2.) Rustle up some ambition-finding snacks to fuel yourself as you begin this journey. Might I suggest some lentil beans with brown rice?  A cup or two (2) of pumpkin puree with coconut milk?

Oh, wait a minute. Are you not on Day Eight (8) of a three (3) week elimination diet like myself? Well, then eat some chips or chocolate or something delicious for me. NO WAIT, eat THESE:

McCain Smiles, I hope you fit into my destiny.

3.) Feed the cats.  You have to do this or else they'll meow the whole time and distract you from your destiny. They will; trust me, I know. They don't care about your dreams.

Quiet, you; you're sabotaging my life!

4.) Sit down with a huge pile of magazines. I already have an inconveniently large collection of magazines due to my occupation, but you may not be so lucky. If this is the case, then your vision board may require an extra step of procuring materials. Magazines can be found in almost any drugstore, grocery store or bookstore. Just ask a store employee to direct you towards the "magazine section." They should understand what you mean.

This is an example of what a typical magazine looks like. It may be helpful to print this picture out and bring it with you on your search for magazines.

(Thrifty vision boarders may wish to check neighbors' recycling bins for used magazines instead of purchasing new ones. Your vision board may smell slightly of garbage juice but hey, it's just your hopes and goals for the year.)

5.) Begin to leaf through your new and/or garbage-tainted magazines. Look for images or words that you feel a connection to, ones that represent your aspirations for the year. 

Some examples--if, like Velvet, one of your goals is to "buy more cats in 2012," you may wish to cut a picture like this out for your board:

Or if, like Velvet, one of your goals is to "turn bedroom into cat shelter," this picture might be for you:

6.) Now, sometimes your goals may not easily translate into images. Try to avoid that creeping frustration you feel setting in when, after an hour of searching, you've found barely any images/words that align with your aspirations. 

This is the step when I began to struggle.

Like, seriously, where are the images/power phrases that represent "Complete Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction novel"? Or "Send my fan letter to Jason Segel convincing him that we should go for a drink and maybe write a fun movie together"?   Or "Pick out my outfits the night before so I don't end up wearing the same jeans every single day of the week like I usually do and hating myself"? Or "finally finish rebuilding my collection of The Baby-sitters Club series"?

AND WHY ARE THERE NO HOBBIT PICTURES IN GLAMOUR MAGAZINE?

I know, guys. It's not fair. One day society will see you as beautiful.

7.) Keep reciting/chanting your list of goals aloud to make sure you remain true to them. This step can make vision boarding in a group a little confusing, but it's vital.

You may start to feel the urge to subtly shift your goals to better align with the magazines on hand. Ask yourself if the power phrases "Keep it Casual but Cute at the Movies" or "Make His Dirty Dreams Come True" or "How to Tan like a Pro for Your Show" are really what you want to work towards this year.

When you find yourself declaring out loud "You know what, I DO want the Kardashians in my life this year!" then it's time to put your vision board down and get some space.

HURRY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

8.) Take a break to clear your head. After all of your intense concentration on MANIFESTING YOUR DESTINY, this is a great time to reward your body and mind. A session of Bikram hot yoga will help to soothe your tense limbs, while delving into that new hobby you've always wanted to try (like stained glass making--both easy and inexpensive!) will invigorate your mind. Velvet and I both soothed our limbs and invigorated our minds by watching four (4) episodes of Roswell, season three (3).

It's just frustrating because things are kind of crazy right now with Maria and Michael broken up and Liz at  boarding school even though she KNOWS that she and Max are destined for each other even though he's an alien. Why won't life just let them be? It really puts things in perspective.

9.) After a one (1) to four (4) hour break, come back to your board. It might be very late in the evening and you are most likely on the verge of exhaustion after all of the soothing exercise you just performed. 

You are now in the perfect state to complete your vision board. 

Because, as you all know, it is only after true exhaustion that your visions can be seen clearly and grasped in board form. (This is an old quote but I can't seem to find the source.)

This is about the time when I made five (5) impromptu resolutions for the year, all involving sleep, and also about the time when my vision board became filled with pictures of beds.

10.) Remember, any spots left blank may be an indication that your year will be empty and unfulfilled. Cover those boards! You know you can't be lazy!

12.) Feed the cats again. It's been seven (7) hours since you last fed them.

13.) Don't forget to do the reverse side of your vision boards! Repeat steps 1-13. It is crucial that this all take place on the same evening. 

14.) Now that your vision board is complete, you'll want to place it in a prominent spot where you'll be sure to see it frequently.  Velvet and I have placed ours inside of our pillow cases.

After all of this hard work, I thought I'd share with you my completed project. But wait! Life is never that simple, is it? To mimic the unpredictable and often chaotic nature of contemporary life, see if you can pick out which of the below images are my completed vision board and which are from a "Where's Hilary Swank?" puzzler I made years ago. 

"Where's Hilary Swank?" is also still for sale, $1,500 as is. Contact me for more details.

I didn't post pictures of Velvet's vision board because visions can be a private thing, but it was pretty much just this:

It's gonna be a great year!

Has anyone here made their own vision board? How did it turn out? Did you have to feed the cats more than two (2) times while making it? Has your vision board helped you to MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY? Show me pics and keep it clean!


PS--Here's my actual vision board.

No Snow

I really wanted to send my holiday wishes to all of you guys earlier, but I was too busy going wassailing door to door with my roommates and cats. Sorry about the delay; we just had to make sure we hit up the ol' retirement home and cat shelter.

If we can make just one (1), JUST ONE (1), cat smile, then we've done our job.

Juuuuust kidding; I'm currently in Florida visiting family. It's almost 80 degrees (F) outside and nary a wassail was had. It feels strange to be sweating on Christmas. 

But don't let anyone ever tell you that Christmas dreams can't come true. Because sometimes, when someone reads your blog and sees what you really want and then goes on eBay and wins a bidding war and then wraps it and gives it to you on Christmas, your Christmas dreams CAN come true. 

...Christmas dreams like SWEET VALLEY HIGH: THE BOARD GAME!  

(for when the books just aren't enough)

Devin definitely earned the Brother of the Week award with this one. 

He also got my Mom this t-shirt, so it's safe to say he won Christmas this year. 

You can bet your bippy I'll do a full post dedicated to a review of this game, but for now, I made my Mom and brother play a "quick round" with me to give it a whirl.  Two (2) hours later, I was triumphant, having found my boyfriend, corsage, prom decorations and prom gown in time for the big date. My Mom came in a close second and Devin wholly regretted his purchase. (His biggest mistake? Choosing Enid as his character. Newb!)

Happy holidays, everyone! I hope your cats are smiling, your weather is brisk and your Sweet Valley High memorabilia is plentiful. 

...and I hope your Santa beards were more durable than mine. Helpful holiday tip: use cotton balls instead of makeup remover pads. You live and you learn. Now enough wisdom; there's a King of Queens Christmas marathon that's calling my name. 

Halloween 2011: Even Sexier Than 2010

As always, the house party was a success.

Mood: Melancholic

The first week of November is always tainted by the post-Halloween blues for me.  The dismantling of decorative cobwebs, the discarding of rotted pumpkins and the dwindling supply of candy bars in our house are all a few of my least favorite things.

But I shall remember Halloween 2011 as a time of laughter. A time of gelatin libations. A flurry of face paint, powdered wigs and bronzer five shades too dark. It's not too soon to reminisce, is it?

Velvet doesn't think so. HALLOWEEN MEGA BLOGPOST TIME!

We started the Halloween festivities on Friday with a party at my friend Sammie's house.  Sammie runs her own fitness company, so we knew this party was going to be full of sexy fitness instructors in sexy costumes.  With us being more of sexy TV-watchers/cat owners, the pressure was on to look good.  REAL good.

So we sexed it up! I'm talking skintight long johns, bare shoulders with nary a pashmina in sight and powdered wigs with only one coat of baby powder.  We were like a small, well-mannered army of skanks.

Heather was a sexy zebra, Velvet was a sexy flapper and can you guess what I am?

No? 

...Maybe THIS will help.

Sexy George Washington, duh!  Now it all makes sense.

The party was a flurry of sexy dancing, sexy catered foods, sexy DJ's spinning house music and even a sexy pinata filled with candy.   Needless to say, we partook in all of these activities.

 

By which I mean we ate a lot of catered food and candy. A looooootttttt of candy.  You have to eat like ten (10) fun-size candy bars to equal one (1) normal candy bar, so whatever.  It wasn't weird.  

If you want guests who hoard their own candy stashes, we're your gals!

And in the most ironical highlight of the night, guess who won best female costume?

SEXY GEORGE WASHINGTON!  

I accepted my bottle of Moet & Chandon, the finest of all the effervescent ales, with a ten (10) minute inaugural address urging my fellow partygoers to improve our alliance with France and to explore the western lands.   Eric won the Best Male Costume prize with his (vintage) Tigger costume.  You can see him passed out on the couch here after doing too many push-ups (actually true.  I told you it was a fitness party).  Shortly after our wins, we said our farewells to prepare for Saturday.

Time for costume number two (2) and a festive gathering at our abode! 

Guaranteed the living room will still look exactly like this three (3) months from now.

Velvet and I were VERY excited for our costume this year.  It was one that we've been thinking about doing for years, and what with Occupy Wall Street and the upcoming elections, we knew it was time.

It required a lot of handiwork, of which Velvet did most and of which she did an amazing job.

Fun Fact: Our book was almost  mistakenly titled "Goulish Games," which would have actually been okay, since spelling errors are pretty de rigueur in Sweet Valley High.

Ready for the final product?

We FINALLY got to live our dreams and be Jessica and Elizabeth freakin' Wakefield for a night! And it was everything we ever dreamed it would be!

Not too bad, huh?  And yes, Velvet and I understand how good we look with platinum, sun-kissed blonde hair.  No need to comment upon it.

In my night as Jessica Wakefield, I made at least three (3) different grand entrances to the party, won twelve (12) contests, was asked out by every single male present and seductively purred one hundred and thirty-seven (137) times.   I also cheated on several boyfriends, destroyed a few people's reputations and betrayed my own twin sister numerous times.  Busy night!

And of course, the best part of this costume was the multitude of photo opportunities.  While Velvet and I definitely recreated some of the classic Sweet Valley High covers,  our guests helped us invent a few new stories that Francine Pascal strangely forgot to write. 

Title:  Smuggler's Secret

Tagline: After her brief stint as a drug mule goes awry, Jessica is forced to spend ten years in a Thai prison.   Will she win the title Queen of Lard Yao's Ward Nine or will her newfound rival Anchali upstage her?

Title: Primate Love

Tagline: Liz's summer internship at the Sweet Valley Zoo leads her to find love where she least expects it. Whose chocolate brown eyes will she choose--Todd's or Miko the Ape's?

Title: Tool Time Terror
Tagline: When Al Borland and Wilson come to Sweet Valley to undertake a little home improvement on the Wakefield's split-level Spanish-style house, disaster strikes. Will Elizabeth be able to repair the structural damage done to her beautiful home, or will she be forever doomed to live in a poorly grouted and sunken house?

Title:  Distressed Denim

Tagline:  Jessica has fallen hard for Brick, a Hell's Angel with a passion for arson. She'll do anything to grab his attention...even if it means murder.   After Jessica burns down Fowler Memorial Hospital, Elizabeth knows she must intervene. Will Elizabeth stand in the way of this fiery love match or will Jessica be caught in her own flames of hell?

Title: Brotherly Love

Tagline:  The twin's older brother, Steven, has flunked out of college and is back at Sweet Valley High with Jess and Liz.  Will the holy trifecta of Wakefield's rule the school or will Steven's elicit affair with Mr. Collins be the scandal that finally tears them apart?

All these titles and more coming soon to a bookstore dumpster near you!

After our guests had fulfilled their dreams of starring in their own Sweet Valley High novel, the party proceeded as most parties do.

People laughed.

People lurked.

 

(mostly just this guy.)

And people terrorized the cats.

  

The party ended around 4:30 a.m., with about five (5) people dancing in the living room to Sean Kingston's  "Shawty Fire Burnin' on the Dance Floor" (which, coincidentally, is a favorite song of both Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield's).

Like any good Halloween, we finished with a night of costumed dodgeball.

We may have lost both of our games, but boy, did we have spirit.  I also learned the valuable Halloween lesson that wearing a woolen coat and powdered wig to dodgeball will NOT contribute to your catches, dodges, self-esteem or ease of breathing.  You live and you learn.

And now I sit in our bat-filled living room and patiently wait until the next occasion when I can don a costume. American Thanksgiving, I'm looking at you. 

Mark my words, my cat will be wearing this costume, only sexier. 

(I hope you had a) HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!