Thursday, December 1, 2011

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Five

Will Jessica steal Frodo's hair-covered heart?

The rumors? All true.  That office scuttlebutt you overhead?  Confirmed. The word on the street?  Verily accurate.

The moment you've all been waiting for is finally here.


I think we all know what that's time to break out the brandywine and root beer floats and rejoice!


Like I said, rejoice.

Are you feeling a bit on the fence over whether you should read Chapter Five (5)? Well, here's what I can tell you:

Worlds will collide!  Hobbit hair will fly! Aquamarine eyes will sparkle! Merry will get his perv on! Graphic sexual encounters will occur!

What else is new, right?

(also, one of those might not be entirely true...yet. )

...and that's all you get for spoilers. We both have to put in some effort to make this work.

Now, if you've fallen a bit behind in Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction, it's okay. Things get busy. Costumes gotta be worn. Cats gotta be tended to.  I know how it is.

Trust me, I know.

Backstory, get your backstory here:

Okay, enough fanfare.  Let's do this thing! I hope you enjoy, and I'd like to thank everyone who actually takes the time to wade their way through these chapters.   You guys are the Bilbo to my Frodo. <3

Prints available from the talented Zak Tatham.  I hear he's open for cash or haggling, whatever you got. 

Chapter Five

“Can we please take a break? My feet are killing me,” moaned Lila, stopping abruptly in her tracks.

Jessica rolled her glorious eyes as the group came to a halt. This was the third time they’d taken a break that day, all due to Lila’s nonstop complaining. Lila was one of Jessica’s best friends but was sometimes best in small doses. And this trip to Middle-earth had been anything but a small dose of Lila.

“Maybe if you hadn’t worn your brand new Italian suede heels just for a plane ride you’d be able to walk for more than ten minutes,” replied Jessica testily.

“You’re one to talk,” said Lila, staring pointedly at Jessica’s striped espadrilles.

“Excuse me? I’m leading the pack here, not limping around and whining,” exclaimed Jessica, her feisty southern Californian temper beginning to emerge.

“Ladies, ladies,” interrupted Bruce. “You’re both morons. But let’s not forget the biggest moron here, Mr. Winston Egbert himself, destroyer of buses and buzz killer of vacations.”

“Oh, forgive me, guys. Anyone remember our old friend Olivia? The one who died by being burned alive in an explosion? Maybe you should think about her for a second instead of whining about your shoes,” snapped Winston, uncharacteristically serious.

“Guys, guys. Let’s cool it, okay? I know we’ve been walking all day and we’re all tired and stressed, but arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Let’s take a quick break and then regroup. I have a feeling we might come across a town soon and then we can get help,” said Elizabeth, trying her best to soothe the tense group.

Jessica rolled her mesmerizing eyes to herself once more. Thank you very much, Mother Teresa, she thought. She knew Elizabeth was just trying to help, but her relentless optimism was starting to wear thin. They had been hiking deeper and deeper into the thick forest all day trying to find anyone who could help them. After endless hours of walking, it looked like they were in the exact same place as where they started—surrounded by trees and not a single sign of human life.
At least all this hiking has probably made me drop five pounds, thought Jessica as she walked away from the group to get some space. Jessica was correct. Her swift metabolism allowed her to lose weight with ease, although weight loss was completely unnecessary. The Wakefield’s family doctor had confirmed that both Jessica and Elizabeth’s Body Mass Index measurements were perfectly suited for their heights. Jessica recalled this fact and smiled, then caught sight of Bruce standing in the distance. He sniffed a purple berry and threw it to the ground in distaste.

Now, if just Bruce and I were lost in the woods together, this would be a different story, Jessica thought, a sultry smile coming over her dainty features. But before Jessica could start daydreaming about riding 1BRUCE1, she happened to see Elizabeth sitting by herself, looking hunched over and dejected. Jessica sighed, realizing she had twin sister duties to fulfill. She marched over and plopped herself down next to her sister.

“Lizzie, cheer up. We’re going to be okay,” said Jessica in what she hoped was a calming tone. Inside she was imagining being with Bruce at Miller’s Point, keeping warm on a cool Sweet Valley evening. She’d run her tawny hands over his white linen jacket, slowly moving them down to his grey silk slacks. Bruce would eye her favored tuxedo shirt and matching pants and wonder what the hell she was wearing. Jessica would slide her hands under his jacket, and marvel at the fact that none of the males in Sweet Valley seemed to have chest hair. Bruce would begin to wish that Jessica was in a deep coma so she would finally stop talking and he could comfortably make a move. Jessica would think how handsome Bruce was, almost as good looking as her older brother Steven. Bruce would cup her--

Her steamy daydream was interrupted when Elizabeth looked up, her angelic face startled.

“What? Oh, hi Jess. Yeah, I know. I’m sure we’ll find help soon. It’s just…” she trailed off, her fluorescent eyes filling with tears.

“Oh, come on, we’ve been lost in nature and on the brink of certain death a hundred and thirty-seven times before. Remember when we got lost in Death Valley and held hostage by those escaped convicts and were saved only because one fell in love with me? ” asked Jessica.

“Yes, I do. That was really unusual; escaped convicts usually resort to their roots and commit violent crimes again,” said Elizabeth slowly.

“Or how about when I got stuck on a deserted island with Winston and had to fend off a bear attack? And Winston was in love with me the whole time? Can you believe that?” said Jessica.

“I’m still surprised about that, considering you’ve had no wilderness training,” said Elizabeth, sounding a bit more like herself.

“And remember when I pulled Todd out from his burning car right before it fell off a cliff? And then he thought he was in love with me!” exclaimed Jessica.

“I do recall that, yes. I actually hated you for that,” replied Elizabeth stiffly.

Jessica laughed, a peal of amused delight.

“And there’s always the time we were stranded in that blizzard in Stoneybrook after twenty-one inches of snow fell and Logan kept flirting with me. Southern guys have always had a thing for me.”

“Was that us?” asked Elizabeth, her SAT-acing brain momentarily confused. Jessica took no note of this and plowed on with her examples.

“Or the time that the gang leader of Palisades High fell in love with me but then he died and I won a surfing contest? Or that time we were stuck on a bus that couldn’t go under fifty miles an hour or it would blow up and that cop fell in love with me? Or the time I starred in the school play and Bill Chase fell in love with me?”

“Those are all great examples, Jess. You’re right, little sis-- we’ve been through a lot before and come out just fine. Thanks for the encouragement—you’re almost as good a listener as Mr. Collins is!” said Elizabeth.

Jessica gave a thin smile and nodded. She had always thought her sister’s preoccupation with their English teacher and school newspaper advisor was a little strange, even though he did look just like Robert Redford. She could often hear her sister talking to him on the phone late at night in hushed tones, her soft, delicate laughs slowly turning into heated moans. Jessica could always tell in the morning when her sister had been having a special “emergency Oracle meeting” over the phone with Mr. Collins the previous night, her teal eyes bloodshot and a guilty expression painted onto her bronzed face.

With Elizabeth momentarily reassured, the next few hours of hiking went smoothly. Jessica and Lila’s steady stream of gossip kept the group occupied and in more relaxed spirits. They were on another break for Lila’s feet when suddenly Winston froze, his size eleven feet ceasing all movement.

“Did you guys hear that?” he whispered, looking around furiously. “It sounds like there are people up ahead.”

“All I hear is a much-needed break from these two yabbering on about Caroline Pearce this, Ronnie Edwards that,” replied Bruce.

“No, shhhh. I hear it, too!” said Jessica, straining her vigorous ear canals to listen. She could barely detect the faint sound of muffled voices and footsteps in the woods.

“Let’s check it out! I bet Mr. Jaworski sent out park rangers looking for us!” said Elizabeth.

The group broke out into a run and dashed ahead, with Jessica and Elizabeth leading the way with their God-given athletic ability. They burst into a clearing and suddenly came face to face with an old, saggy looking man and a group of four strange children. Or were they men? Jessica wasn’t sure, but she quickly hiked up her suede miniskirt and smoothed her silky hair. The air was filled with silence as the two groups stood frozen in place staring at each other.

The twins were naturally the first to gain their composure. Elizabeth stepped forward and extended a tan hand, a soft smile on her tired yet friendly face.

“Hello, I’m Elizabeth Wakefield and this is my twin sister, Jessica. Maybe you’ve heard of us. We’re both a size six. We come from a town called Sweet Valley. My friends and I are students on a class trip but our bus broke down, and right now we’re a little lost. Maybe you can help us?” asked Elizabeth.

The old man who looked to be their leader stepped forward. His pale face was covered with wrinkles and he carried many extra pounds on his short frame, which made Jessica cringe just looking at him.

He’d look so much better if he just lost twenty pounds, she thought. She opened her muscular mouth to tell him this but was interrupted as he suddenly began to sing a song, something about the moon and a river. The Sweet Valley gang stared with their blemish-free jaws dropped.

“Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?” broke in Bruce with disgust.

The man abruptly stopped his song, a surprised expression coming over his shapeless features.

“I am Master Bilbo Baggins, wisest resident of Hobbiton. I have travelled these lands and have many stories to share,” said the man.

“And I am Frodo,” said a small hairy boy, stepping forward. “And this is Samwise, Merry and dear Pippin.”

Cute, thought Jessica, casting an alluring look at Frodo. He must be European.

“Nice to meet you, all of you,” said Elizabeth graciously. “And this is Lila, Bruce and Winston.”

A tall man wearing a white cloak suddenly stepped out of the shadows. Jessica felt her comely sister gasp and stiffen.

“And you are?” Jessica purred, bestowing an enticing smile upon the almost painfully thin man.

“I am Gandalf the Grey,” replied the mysterious man. He offered no further information.

“Uh, hi. I’m Liz, I mean Elizabeth, uh, Wakefield. We’re a size seven. I mean six. Six! I like your robe,” Elizabeth sputtered, her smooth face turning scarlet.

Jessica watched her usually eloquent sister bumble over her words and raised her sparkling eyebrows at Lila. What was going on? Liz never got flustered around people. In fact, Jessica often found her in the midst of giving reassuring speeches to various strangers in the grocery store. The only time Jessica ever saw her sister ruffled was when she first met Todd. A light bulb went off in Jessica’s lightweight head.

Hmm, so Liz has a crush on this homeless guy, huh? Jessica thought. She did always like the older type. I think that Frodo boy may have some potential but the rest are lost causes.

Jessica snapped back to attention as she heard her name. The chubby man was talking again.

“’Tis like looking at the same person when I look at you two,” Bilbo said. “Never have I seen such a thing, and I have seen wolves sing and a parade of nude country dwarves march by. Were you touched by a sorceress in your mother’s womb?”

“Thanks, yeah; people always tell us that we’re beautiful. What do you think, Frodo?” asked Jessica, staring deeply into the boy’s chocolate colored eyes, a shock of brown hair curled onto his forehead. He mumbled a few unintelligible words and looked down at the ground.

He must be visually impaired or ill, thought Jessica, feeling slightly offended by Frodo’s lack of response. Or maybe he’s one of those slow people from other towns that you see on TV.

“So we’re here because our bus broke down—why are you guys singing like church boys in the middle of a forest?” asked Bruce bluntly.

“Ah, ‘tis quite a tale. It began with a journey prior, of which I take many, and it was there that a discovery was made,” began Bilbo.

“Abridged version, please,” interrupted Bruce. “I’m already in a bad mood.”

“Poor Brucey didn’t get his usual breakfast of champagne and lobsters,” put in Winston, which earned him a punch on the arm from Bruce.

“Very well, my new acquaintance. My fellow hobbits and I are on a mysterious quest which will take us far and near. We will cross the Lothlorien Forest, travel through many towns and most likely encounter sensual dwarves and Elves on our way. When we reach our destination, we shall have a dangerous task to execute. We would be most pleased if you would join us, as your soaring heights and robust bodies will prove most useful,” explained Bilbo. “Will you join us on our quest?”

“Well, if you aren’t able to help us find Mr. Jaworski or a way out of here, then I think we’re wasting our time,” said Lila.

“Yeah, maybe we should just keep moving,” added Winston. “These guys have their own problems to deal with without us tagging along.”

“No! We have to stay together! For safety!” cried Elizabeth in a panic. “Mr. Jaworski left me in charge and I say we should stay with Gandalf and the rest of them. Don’t you think so, Jess?” She looked at Jessica with imploring and vibrant eyes.

Jessica felt indifferent and wanted to work on her tan. At least I’ll get some attention from males if we stick around these guys. I bet they’ll compliment me a lot, she figured. “Sure, let’s go with Bilbo Bagpan and Frodo. It can’t hurt to stay with some guys who know the land, right?”

“If that’s what you want, Jess, then I agree one hundred percent,” said Winston shyly, holding his size eleven shoe in his hand.

“Thanks, Win,” Jessica replied with a playful wink. It’s so easy to manipulate people when they’re in love with me, she wisely reflected.

“Whatever, Wakefield. Just know that if I die out here, my father will sue the hell out of your parents,” said Bruce. “He’ll take your dog just to spite you.”

Jessica rolled her graceful eyes and glanced at Lila to get her thoughts on the matter. Lila was staring in disdain at the small boy named Pippin, who was dancing in circles around Lila and trying to touch her hair.

“Great! We’re all in agreement!” announced Jessica. “Let’s get moving! Frodo, would you mind giving me a hand? I’m a little tired.” She stooped over to link her sultry arm through Frodo’s hairy one.

Did he just shudder at my touch? Jessica wondered. No, that’s the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. Must have just been a shiver of excitement.

Frodo again mumbled a few incoherent words which Jessica didn’t catch but let out a peal of flirtatious laughter anyway.

With Frodo and Jessica leading the way, the newly formed group set off together. Elizabeth lingered one step behind Gandalf, while Winston and Merry began chatting. Lila and Bruce walked together, both avoiding the weird dancing boy.

"To the Land of the Elves!" cried out Bilbo.
Jessica looked down at Frodo and smiled. You can play hard to get as long as you want, Frodo, she thought. No man or young boy can resist Jessica Wakefield in the end!

Will Frodo succumb to Jessica’s delightfully subtle yet gracefully flagrant charm, or does he have other plans in mind? Will Elizabeth and Gandalf soon call an emergency meeting of “The Oracle” to order? Will Pippin's lighthearted zest for life melt the cold, dead heart of Bruce Patman? And most importantly, will the Sweet Valley teens and the Hobbiton hobbits merge more than their collective groups?



  1. Hey Sam!-I am really enjoying your story and can only hope, that one day...(dramatic pause)that I can posses 'vigorous ear canals.' Love that and it made me laugh. Keep up the good work. Can't wait for the next installment.


  2. Dan, I know what you mean about wanting vigorous ear canals. I myself am working on maintaining my lightweight head. It is taking up much of my time.

    As always, thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed :)

  3. I have been working on my "delightfully subtle yet gracefully flagrant charm" all week at work, but I don't think anyone has noticed....what am I doing wrong? And surely Jessica has been in at least ONE coma--did Bruce miss it?
    One correction: Frodo is not European--he is CANADIAN.

  4. Hmm... that is very strange indeed. Maybe you should alter your manner of speaking to "purring." Using enticing smiles also doesn't hurt!

    I don't think Jessica has been in a coma yet, but Liz sure has, and Bruce most certainly did not miss it. If you know what I mean...(which you won't, unless you've read SVH #7, "Dear Sister." I can lend it to you over Christmas, Ma. You won't regret it).

    And you might be right--Frodo is awfully polite.