Hobbit Heartache, Chapter 14

It's a valid question.

So the Hobbit Heartache blog-posting train was temporarily derailed, it seems. This was due to several obstructions on track level. But now we're back in business, baby. I'm not going to say that we've left the station, because that seems awfully lofty, but the passengers are on board and most appear to have their tickets. 

Clearly this metaphor has gotten way out of hand. What the hell is a hobbit train? you wonder. Who are these passengers? Are tickets expensive? Do they travel to the east end? Will there be legal repercussions for those ticket-less travelers?

I don't know, okay? I wish I did. There should always be legal repercussions for wrongdoings. All I truly know is that there is a new chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover parody for you to read.

I know, gurl! I'm excited, too.

. . . and this chapter is a doozy.

You know what Gandalf I don't think I've ever once seen you smile even though you are a  freakin' WIZARD, so don't start with me.

Okay—so you know what's going on, right? Shall we dive right in? What's that? You forget everything because I haven't posted a chapter in two (2) months? And you also burned your copy of the book that you purchased legally (NOT FROM A SCALPER, RIGHT?!?) in a personal BOYCOTT of Hobbit Heartache? And not only that, but you've been congregating on my front yard each morning in an angry anti-Hobbit Heartache mob?!

Well, yes; I had noticed that part.

(source)

I can't keep waking up to this, guys. It has to stop. It just has to. Our neighbors are still mad about those foam parties we keep having (they're just so much fun, you know?). 

Just so much fun for everyone.  

But anyway. I get it. I get the anger, the mob, the rotted cabbage and flaming Great Grains boxes left on my porch, everything. Passion for a Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfic will often lead you down strange and wild paths.

To beg forgiveness: a recap that is as succinct as I can possibly make it (HAHAHA). Here goes nothing (HAHAHA):

Sweet Valley High's sexy Spring Break takes a terrifying turn when the gang finds themselves lost in the forests of Middle-earth with nary a make-out point or mall to be found. Jessica and Elizabeth's uncanny luck and fragrant pheromones soon cause the group to be discovered by a gaggle of handsome hobbits. Bilbo, Frodo, Merry, Samwise & Pippin take the Sweet Valley students under their hair-covered wings and the newly-formed group embarks on a wild journey to destroy a powerful and evil ring. 

As with any Spring Break, sexual hijinks and erotic escapades occur in alarming proportion. Jessica is taken with the mysteriously quiet Frodo, but wonders why he massages Bilbo's feet thrice daily. Elizabeth has fallen hard for Gandalf, who perversely seems to be playing an extreme game of hard-to-get. Winston has caught Merry's hirsute eye, Bruce has a fling with Lady Arwen, Pippin does a cartwheel, all while Samwise falls deeper and deeper into the throes of brandywine addiction. Captain Georg von Trapp stumbles upon the seductively mismatched group and instantly finds himself torn between his desire to woo Lila and his instincts to murder the blonde and Pacific Ocean blue-green eyed Jessica and Elizabeth, certain that they are undercover Nazis. Skinny dipping, hobbit sacrifices, a sexually unsatisfying night in Dwarven—this Spring Break has it all. 

. . .  And despite the twins' heightened and tanned senses, no one has yet to notice Largo, the evil doppelganger who has travelled all the way from Antarctica to kill and take over Lila's life . . . but is all of that about to change?

READ THE STORY SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH A RECAP AGAIN!

Chapter links below. It's one of those easy-breezy, intensely erotic summer reads but also one that is timeless so you can read it during any season, even fall and Daylight Saving Time. 

Chapter 1              Chapter 8

Chapter 2              Chapter 9

Chapter 3              Chapter 10

Chapter 4              Chapter 11

Chapter 5              Chapter 12

Chapter 6              Chapter 13

Chapter 7

Slight warning: Possibly NSFW art below. It really depends upon where you work, I guess. Great Grains factory worker? Probably NSFW. Dog breeder? Go for it!

Should you wish to have the above image screenprinted on a t-shirt/nightgown or enlarged for full fishnet glory, please contact the talented and oh-so-versatile Zak. Bathing Bilbos and dueling doppelgangers—the man has got you covered.

Chapter 14

Lila strolled along the forest edge, enjoying the feel of the gentle Middle-earth breeze upon her silky skin. The shade of the tall pine trees blocked out the late afternoon sun and kept her cool. She walked on, savoring the quiet moment by herself.

Lila came suddenly to a halt. Goose bumps had risen all over her once-smooth skin and an all-too-familiar scent began to waft through the air. Lila whimpered.

It’s happening again, she thought in panic, her urbane heart quickening. She tried to cover her opulent face but it was far too late.

The stench of rotten fish quickly became overwhelming. It filled her every orifice, including her clenched, bleached anus. Overcome with nausea, Lila bent down on the ground to vomit. She could taste the unmistakable tang of forgotten crab meat in her mouth. It reminded her of the time that Eva, Fowler Crest’s maid, accidentally served her expired seafood hors d’oeuvres during a Sunday luncheon celebrating the wealthy.

But this time was much, much worse.

Still kneeling to vomit, Lila failed to hear the sounds of someone approaching. The person pounced on her, pinning Lila to the ground. Lila thrashed about wildly, catching only fleeting glimpses of her attacker. Long, wild brown hair, ruby-red lips that mirrored her own, a flash of non-twenty-four karat gold, a whiff of . . . was that salted cod? It didn’t matter. Lila knew she was going to die.

“Please, don’t kill me!” she screamed in terror, closing her eyes one last time. Then, as suddenly as the attack began, it stopped. Lila opened her eyes in confusion. She found herself lying in Georg’s arms, slowly being rocked back and forth. She was safe.

“Why, my dear, I would never kill you. Unless you were secretly a Nazi . . . ” soothed Georg.

“I . . . I must have been dreaming,” Lila said slowly, touching a hand to her soaked forehead. “I was having that dream again.”

“The dream with the crustaceans? How unappetizing. Lila, I have told you time and time again to refrain from eating the pine needle stew so close to sleeping. It does not aid digestion,” said Georg.

“I know, I know.” Lila shuddered. “I really hate that dream.”

“Yes. Perhaps as much as I hate deception. Let us go back to sleep, my darling. Tomorrow will be a long day. Bilbo says that we are nearing Sauron’s gates,” replied Georg.

Lila laid her head back on the ground and tried to sleep, but it was no use. Every sound of the forest made her jump. She heard a faint, muffled sound in the distance and strained to listen. Was that an injured bird crying? Lila held her breath to hear. No . . . it sounded almost like laughter. Cruel, heartless laughter.

You’re officially going crazy, Lila told herself. Go to sleep.

But deep inside, Lila couldn’t shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong. And she knew it wouldn’t be long until she found out what.

* * *

“So then I yelled, ‘You’ll regret this—no one makes a fool out of Jessica Wakefield!’ and stormed out of there, leaving him all alone. Can you believe that? First he tells me that he doesn’t want to kiss me and then he throws up all over the place, right in front of me!” hissed Jessica in a whisper.

“That’s great, Jess,” Lila automatically replied, stifling a yawn. Jessica had been complaining about Frodo for the entire past hour of hiking and Lila was feigning even less interest than usual.

“That’s great? Are you kidding me?” Jessica mock-shrieked, her voice becoming shrill. “You know, Lila, I’m starting to get the feeling that you’re not even listening. And here I am, spilling my guts to you about this really lousy night that I had, and you don’t even care. What is up with you these days?”

“Sorry. I guess I haven’t been sleeping that well,” Lila said. “I keep having these weird dreams about this girl who looks like me and there’s fish and—”

“Well, I haven’t been sleeping well, either. We’re in the middle of a forest, for God’s sake. But at least I’m still trying my very best to be a good friend to you, even though you look like hell,” interrupted Jessica, holding her perky chin high. “Did you and Georg have a fight or something?”

“No, that’s not it. Georg and I are fine. We’re great. Things are great,” said Lila, staring at the ground.

Things with Georg were great. He was handsome and had a certain old-fashioned charm and way of speaking that gave Lila butterflies. And best of all, he came from money so he knew how to treat Lila with class. Lila loved talking to Georg about all kinds of things, like which chateau in France had the most efficient help, or whether muslin or charmeuse looked best on a dignified lady. Unlike most of the sloppy, unrefined boys back at Sweet Valley High, Georg had a lot of opinions about fabrics.

Georg’s charms helped her to overlook his many quirks. Lila had noticed that no matter what their topic of conversation was, Georg would turn it into an endless stream of questions for her, questions about the strangest things! Lila didn’t understand why he would care what party her father voted for in the last election, or whether she had distant relatives in Germany. And he seemed so fixated on Jessica and Elizabeth. This would normally drive Lila crazy with jealousy, but unlike every other male species, he didn’t seem to care about them romantically. Lila would sometimes catch him glaring at the twins, muttering to himself in angry tones.

Lila sighed, an anxious exhalation of lavish-smelling breath. She had enough to worry about without thinking of Georg’s strange behavior.

“So have you and Frodo talked since Dwarven?” Lila asked, hoping Jessica wouldn’t pick up on the change in subject.

“Nope. I haven’t spoken a word to that . . . that thing. What kind of boy turns down a night with me? I tell you, Lila, he’s going to pay for this. I was humiliated!” Jessica seethed.

A part that was bigger than small of Lila always enjoyed seeing Jessica in the throes of rejection. There was something so satisfying about it.

“Well, maybe he’s just not that into you,” Lila replied. She hid a smile and waited for the fireworks to begin. “You can’t win them all.”

Jessica gaped. “I can win them all, and you know that! If Frodo’s actually not into me, well, then, something must be wrong with him.”

“Maybe he has a crush on Liz instead,” suggested Lila helpfully. “Remember how Todd, Nicholas Morrow, Ken, Bruce and pretty much every guy you’ve dated or wanted to date has always secretly had a thing for Liz?”

“You’re being about one hundred and thirty-seven kinds of annoying right now,” replied Jessica. “Frodo doesn’t have a crush on Liz. They barely talk. She’s all wrapped up in senior citizen Gandalf.”

“Ugh, she’s so pathetic. He has such nasty hair,” agreed Lila, wrinkling her wealthy nose. “Hey, maybe Frodo has a crush on Bilbo!” She laughed and waited for Jessica to join.

Jessica froze and her turquoise eyes widened. Her mouth fell open and she stared at Lila.

“Oh my God—Frodo has a crush on Bilbo. You’re so right, Lila. How did I not see this before?” she cried.

“Oh, calm down. I was just joking.”

“No, no; you’re right. It all makes sense now. Think about it, Li—how many times have we seen Frodo offer to massage Bilbo’s feet?”

“Umm . . . well, it’s at least three times a day,” Lila said slowly. “The morning rub, the after-lunch rub and during the evening sing-a-long.”

“And what about how he always calls Bilbo ‘my sweet, handsome Bilbo’?” asked Jessica.

“Yeah, that’s kind of weird. Bilbo’s nice and all, but he’s nowhere near handsome. He needs to lose a good thirty pounds before handsome comes into the picture,” said Lila.

“Oh, thirty pounds at least. I’ve talked to him about how he should start doing morning jogs around the forest to lose weight but he doesn’t seem to care,” said Jessica. “But that doesn’t stop Frodo from staring at him all the time. And a lot of other comments suddenly make sense now, too.”

“Like what?” Lila asked.

“Well, when he was drunk in Dwarven, before he was about to pass out, he kept whispering about how he wished Bilbo was there with us, how he wanted to kiss Bilbo’s soft lips, something about licking his rump. I thought he was pushing for a threesome so I just ignored it,” explained Jessica. “But now I understand. I can’t believe Frodo was leading me on while he tried to get Bilbo, too. What kind of sick double love is that? He’s going to pay even more now for what he did to me.”

Lila raised her satiny eyebrows. She couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for the clueless Frodo. Whatever Jessica was hatching, it was going to be brutal. Lila hoped it wouldn’t be as bad as the time Jessica maliciously leaked secrets about Elizabeth's lame best friend Enid's dark past to the entire school in order to sabotage her chances at winning Dance Queen. Or the time that Jessica refused to let Robin Wilson into Sweet Valley High's most exclusive sorority, Pi Beta Alpha, because she was too fat.

But in all fairness, Lila reasoned, it was just Enid. And Robin was really fat, at least a size eight! 

“Please forgive me for interrupting your tittle-tattle, young ladies. Might I steal Fraulein Lila away for our lunch break?” asked Georg, approaching the girls. “Bilbo says we are to rest for thirty minutes' time.”

“Sure, steal away,” replied Jessica, distracted. “I’ll go see what Win and Merry are up to.”

“My dear, you look positively breathtaking today. You’re practically a lady!” said Georg, leading Lila to a secluded area of the forest and helping her sit comfortably on the ground.

“Ow!” Lila cried, rubbing her backside. “That hurt,” she groaned.

Georg looked at the crumpled pine cone Lila had just sat upon.

“A pine cone,” he murmured, suddenly worlds away. “A goddamn pine cone.”

“Georg? I’m fine,” Lila said, staring at his distant expression.

“Oh. Yes. Yes, we must be mindful of stray pine cones, Fraulein. But now, do tell me why you changed garments from earlier today? You looked just as nice then.”

“I haven’t changed today,” said Lila, looking down at her outfit with regret. Her white linen pants were stained past repair and her purple silk chambray shirt was in need of serious dry cleaning. “Don’t remind me that I only have one outfit here.”

“And while I do enjoy your current scent of dirt and unscrubbed skin, haven’t I asked you before you to wear that perfume that enchants me so much? The one with the undertones of salmon and sea kelp?” continued Georg.

“Yes, you have, but I don’t have any perfume here, Georg. I told you that everything was ruined in our bus explosion. And my normal perfume is Giorgio D’Bubois, anyway,” replied Lila irritably. Sometimes it seemed like Georg never listened to anything she said.

“Ah, yes, I recall. Perhaps that Jessica twin could lend you some salmon perfume. Now, do remind me—did Jessica happen to mention her hatred for Semites in your little conversation just now?” asked Georg, his eyes narrowed. “Do try the mud squares, Fraulein; they are divine.”

“The what?” asked Lila, confused. “We were just talking about her and Frodo, that’s all. Why do you always ask what Jessica and I talk about? I never ask what you talk about with other people.”

“It is only because I am so intrigued by everything about you, my dearest,” replied Georg smoothly. “And I would share with you every detail of my conversation with Samwise, had it been coherent in the slightest. But alas, he mistook me for a ghost and cried for the past hour’s time.”

Lila rolled her pristine eyes. “That boy is a mess. So much for going sober.”

“Mmm. But giving up what you love the most can be difficult,” said Georg. “Such as your homeland and everything you’ve ever known . . .” He drifted off for a moment and then snapped back to attention.

“Now, let us perform our deep breathing exercises to aid digestion, followed by a prompt session of copulation.”

Lila and Georg each breathed deeply for one minute. Georg then removed his felt hat and turned his back as Lila undressed.

“Is it fine if I turn around now?” he called over his bare shoulder.

“Yes, Georg. You don’t need to ask that,” Lila replied.

“On some occasions you tell me to close my eyes while we’re in the throes of love making, my dear. I just don’t wish to offend you.”

Lila had no idea what he was talking about, but let it go. “Why don’t we stop talking all together?” she whispered, beckoning him close.

Georg marched over to her, pulling Lila close.

“Oh, Fraulein,” he murmured into her affluent ear.

“Georg!” she cried, sliding her French manicured hand down his firm stomach.

“Captain,” he corrected her, grabbing her well-heeled buttocks with both hands. He turned her around and swiftly bent her over.

Their lovemaking was fast and efficient. Georg called out instructions to Lila throughout the entire process. At first Lila had found this practice jarring but she soon grew to appreciate it. Lila liked being with a man who was in control, a man who knew what he was doing. It was such a different experience than her late nights at Miller’s Point with silly high school boys. Besides, with Georg in control she could daydream for a few minutes in peace.

I wonder what sales are going on at Lisette’s right now, she thought.

“Left!” he called out.

“Oh, sorry,” Lila replied. Maybe that new shipment of suede vests has finally arrived.

“Angle upwards and over!”

“Mmmhmm.” A dark purple one would look great with my leather boots.

“I am increasing my speed.”

“You do that.” Then again, red would also be nice.

“I am approaching climax!”

“Okay.” I’ll just have to buy both.

“I AM YOUR CAPTAIN!” Georg hollered, thrusting one final time. He wiped the sweat from his brow and removed himself from Lila.

Yup, I’ll just buy both and maybe even royal blue if they have it, Lila reasoned, satisfied. She noticed that Georg had stopped his frantic thrusting and stood, brushing dirt off of her well-to-do knees.

“Thank you, Fraulein. That was quite enjoyable,” said Georg, pulling back on his woolen trousers.

I wonder why I feel so distant from him lately, Lila thought.

“I noticed that you did not finish. Shall I sing you to climax? I know a wonderful tune about a forlorn goatherder,” Georg asked.

“No, that’s okay,” replied Lila. “That took two hours last time. We should probably get back to the group.”

The two trudged back to the rest of the hikers. Upon their return, Bilbo stood and clapped his hands.

“The lovers have returned! Shall we proceed with our hiking, my friends?” he cried.

“Yes, let us march! We must not dream away our holiday in Middle-earth!” cried Georg, giving a crisp salute to Bilbo.

The group fell into their spots and began their hike once more. Lila stayed by Georg’s side so she could avoid Jessica’s complaining. Three hours crawled by but Bilbo insisted that they not even stop for a bathroom break. Lila hated when Bilbo got in that bossy mood—it always led to one of the hobbits wetting their pants, and usually, it was Merry. It happened so often that Lila was starting to think that Merry got a thrill out of doing it.

I wonder if Liz has talked to him about that yet, she thought.

“And the nerve of Herr Zeller! To come to my home, to my dinner party and insult my country! The gall!” Georg was saying.

Lila opened her bountiful mouth to reply but was interrupted.

“Excuse me, everyone. I have an announcement to make. It’s time for a showdown,” cried Jessica.

The group stopped and stared at Jessica. Lila shook her head.

Here it comes . . . she thought. Enjoy your last moments of peace, Frodo.

Jessica paused, making sure that she had all eyes on her before beginning.

“As all of you know, Frodo and I have been spending a lot of time together the past few weeks. We always hike together, I talk to him all day long and I even let him sleep next to me. I thought that things were going great between us. I thought we were maybe even falling in love. But I was wrong. There were secrets Frodo was keeping from me. Lies. Deceptions,” Jessica stated, staring intently at Frodo. His face had turned a chalky white.

“Deceptions,” Jessica repeated for emphasis. “Frodo was playing with fire. He—”

“Nazi! He’s a covert member of the Third Reich, isn’t he?” screamed Georg suddenly. “Isn’t he? Answer me, you discriminatory sack of manure!”

“Georg!” cried Jessica. “Do you mind not interrupting me? Sheesh.”

“Ahem. As I was saying, I thought we were falling in love. And after a night we shared at Dwarven, I happen to know for a fact that Frodo is indeed falling in love . . . but it’s not with me.” Jessica waited a few beats, soaking up the attention. Her aquamarine eyes were gleaming and her flawless skin was glowing.

“Spit it out, Wakefield,” called out Bruce.

“Frodo is in love . . . with Bilbo!” Jessica shrieked, pointing a size six finger directly at Bilbo.

Frodo gasped and covered his face with his hairy hands.

“But Frodo . . . my dear, sweet Frodo. How can this be? Is this true?” asked Bilbo, shaking his head.

“Yes,” moaned Frodo, his voice full of pain. “‘Tis true. My heart aches for you, Bilbo, and has for some time. I wish to be near you always, to lay my head upon your supple rump, to hear your voice the very first thing in the morn and the very last thing after sunset, and yes, I wish for your voice to instruct me to do the most indecent and perverse of tasks, such as brush your hair while I am fully nude and serve you milk whilst dressed like an Elf and—”

“Frodo, I must stop you there,” instructed Bilbo.

"Thank God for that,” muttered Bruce. Elizabeth shot him a disapproving glare.

“Do you hate me now, Bilbo? Does my love repulse you?” whispered Frodo.

“Frodo, I could never hate you. Why, in fact, I quite love you, too! But in a much different way,” Bilbo said, smiling sadly.

“For you see, I could never be content with loving just one being. I have simply too much love to give! And that is why my travels bring me all over Middle-earth, so that I may share my love with all. I have shared my love with Gimli, with King Elrond, with Sandyman, with Aragorn, with Boromir, with forty birds of prey, with a man made of straw, and yes, I even tried to share my love with Bruce once, but he forsook my offer. I would only break your heart were I to try and settle in one place,” concluded Bilbo.

“I knew it could never be,” said Frodo softly.

“No, it cannot. You are one of my most cherished friends, dear Frodo. I could never risk losing you,” explained Bilbo. “And besides, I believe we may also be distant relatives of some sort.”

Lila and the rest of the Sweet Valley High gang grimaced in turn.

“I curse you, hobbit blood of mine!” Frodo whispered. He inhaled sharply.

“I shall live in the hopes that one day you shall change your mind. Now, kindly excuse me—I would like to sit by the river in solitude to collect my thoughts.” He turned and began to walk slowly away from the group, his head hanging in despair.

Frodo paused in front of Jessica. “I am so very ashamed that I was not honest with you. I deserve all of the pain that I feel at this very moment and ten fold. My sincere apologies, Jessica.”

Jessica gaped at him, left speechless for one of the first times in her life.

Weren’t expecting all of that, were you, Jess? Lila thought wryly. She knew that Jessica was probably just hoping to embarrass the poor guy, not get him to spill his guts in front of everyone. Attention whore.

As Frodo trudged away, the rest of the group stared at each other in uncomfortable silence.

“Way to go, Jess,” said Bruce. “Guess you just aren’t Frodo’s type, huh?”

“Was that really called for?” asked Elizabeth, staring angrily at her sister. “Poor Frodo—imagine how he’s feeling right now! I’m going to talk to him.”

“Leave him be, wench! Your meddlesome ways help no one but yourself,” admonished Gandalf sternly. Elizabeth swallowed hard and tears sprang to her seamless eyes. She ran off into the forest.

“Jessica, what are you waiting for? Go see if she’s okay,” urged Winston.

“I should make sure she’s okay,” said Jessica. “My twins’ intuition is telling me that she might be upset right now. Lizzie! Wait for me!”

“Do you think those two would prefer a totalitarian dictatorship or a democracy?” whispered Georg to Lila.

“Georg! Now is not the time for your stupid questions!” Lila exploded. “Just stop it!”

“Perhaps we should conclude our day,” suggested Merry meekly. “For the hours have felt quite long.”

“Yes, I agree. We shall camp here tonight,” said Bilbo wearily.

“Here? Right by this mountain? Are you sure that's safe?” asked Bruce, staring up into the ominous night sky.

“Why, I thought you knew. We are camping on the base of Mount Doom. Tomorrow we will scale its peaks to reach Sauron’s lair, almost certainly meeting our deaths,” spoke Bilbo calmly.

Lila looked around at the oddly assorted group. Half were missing and in tears, while the other half looked tired and weak.

How are we possibly going to scale a mountain tomorrow, much less fight an evil lord? Lila wondered. We’re all falling apart.

She laid her head on the ground and shut her eyes, determined to fall right asleep without dreaming. But before she could, her wealthy nose caught a familiar whiff of Antarctic icefish. Lila shuddered and chills ran through her body.

Something bad is going to happen tomorrow, she thought. Something really bad. And we might not make it out of there alive.

Will Lila’s malodorous nightmares come true? Will Frodo be able to overcome his broken heart now that his secret love has been revealed? Will Georg ever have the satisfaction of killing an undercover Nazi? Why would Jessica keep hoarding her salmon-scented perfume?

And which twin will the evil Lord Sauron instantly fall in love with when they finally reach his lair?

STAY TUNED.