My friends and misdirected Google users, I have important news.
After 12 months, 16.5 chapters and 160 pages, I have finished my first novel. More specifically, my first Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic fanfiction/parody novel. It is now an actual book. A book with pages and a spine and a glossy cover, and, most importantly, a name on that glossy cover that is mine.
Can you believe this thing actually happened?
Time for a celebratory gif. And a huge glass or ten of brandywine.
(Oh, are you too distracted by that lovely sheen on my forehead to celebrate? Just call that a new novelist's glow. It's certainly not a post-kickboxing layer of sweat. No. I'm glowing because of books.)
Perhaps you've noticed that I haven't done a blog post in about five (5) weeks. While you may have assumed that I was in the hospital from a Great Grains overdose (or something equally scandalous), or I had been partially eaten by my cats (something way more likely), I've just been in hibernation mode the past month. I was determined to finish this book, no matter how many episodes of The Bachelor I had to watch late.
Sometimes sacrifices must be made, even when their hair looks really, really good.
To catch you up, here's what you missed:
This was my month of March. Barricading myself in my room and getting stuff done. Stuff that did not include making my bed or wearing pants that couldn't double as sleeping/work-out attire.
Have you ever reached the point where you're ashamed of how you're living? Where you have more dirty laundry on the floor than clean clothes in your closet? Where your Sweet Valley High books are strewn about out of order, mixing freely with your Baby-sitters Club Super Specials? Where you try to get the cats to come into your room for a distraction but they wisely know not to venture into that dark hellhole for fear of never emerging?
I have no idea what that's like, but it must be awful.
But all of the stress and late nights and not showering have been worth it, because now there is something tangible to show for it.
Just look at the pictures! Zak's artwork looks beautiful, even in grayscale.
Hobbit Heartache was made into a book using a really cool site called Blurb (because, really, who wants to go through the whole ordeal of publishers fighting to buy the rights to your book? So stressful!) and I just recently received the test copy. It was perhaps the most thrilling mail delivery I have ever experienced, and considering I've won a year's supply of Great Grains and have been mailed an autographed headshot of Anthony Stewart Head, that's saying a lot.
No offense, Giles. You thrill me, too, but in a different kind of way.
After living with Hobbit Heartache: the Real Life Novel for just a few days, my house is in agreement: how did we ever live without it? I can easily speak for almost every single person I know that lives inside my house when I say that this book has been life changing. It's given back so much.
It has had a profound effect on all of us.
Some more than others.
While I'm still planning on posting the book on here chapter by chapter, I wanted to share my happy news with all of you, the people who have supported me during the world's longest Spring Break in Middle-earth ever. I will be ordering more copies through Blurb in the next few days for some friends, family and prospective employers. If anyone is interested in having their own copy, just let me know and we'll talk.
Are you wondering exactly how Hobbit Heartache can benefit your life? Besides the above handy examples, I can think of at least one hundred and thirty-seven (137) extremely relevant other ways.
LIKE WHAT, you ask? Weeeeelllllll, just off the top of my head...
Upcoming baptism ceremony? No need to stress over your gift.
Need to have "the talk" with your preteen/thirty-something child? Allow Zak's helpful erotic drawings to do the explaining.
Important job interview coming up? Nothing makes a better first impression than the gift of classic literature.
Clueless about how to celebrate the New Moon on April 21st? Come on, it's a no-brainer!
Hobbit Heartache: truly appropriate for any occasion. You'll also get the first peek of the new surprise cover, which is a bit less lawsuit-friendly.
My plan now is to fully emerge from hibernation mode and get back in the blogging game, so hopefully you'll be seeing some new posts soon. Chapter Eight (8) is coming up next, which is perhaps my favorite chapter in the entire book. Gentle erotica and shocking twists coming your way! Hope you're not too attached to those Wakefield twins...
Misleading teaser? I would never!
Now, I must return to the world of last minute book editing and formatting, but before I go, I leave you with this cool image that I just found online:
(Does subliminal messaging work? I don't know. You pre-order Hobbit Heartache tell me.)