Thursday, April 5, 2012

Hobbit Heartache—Chapter 8: The Land of the Elves

With all of the excitement over the past week (ten [10] copies of Hobbit Heartache are being shipped AT THIS VERY MOMENT! I have received a crate of twenty-four [24] boxes of Great Grains! I got to wear face paint and a costume in a dodgeball tournament!), I have fallen ill. My immune system became overloaded with the sudden joy and decided instead that I should go to bed by 9:00 p.m. each night this week.

So my happy thoughts of these things:

(I'm sorryI promise this is probably the last time in this blog post that I'm going to show the book cover.) 

(I can't even believe I'm writing this post right now! I have twenty-four (24) boxes of Great Grains to eat!)

 . . . have now turned to thoughts of these things:

-Homemade neti pots (yes, Velvet helped me make one last night for my stuffy nose, and NO, I did not take pictures you sick freaks.)

-An unprecedented amount of Vitamin C and my FAVORITE THING EVER, oregano oil.

(If you're unsure of whether I'm being sarcastic or not, please try oregano oil. One drop under your tongue will quickly give you the answer.)

And basically I'm just really preoccupied with all my concerns about what exactly is the sexiest way to smear Vaseline around my sore nose, and is it prettier to keep Kleenex hanging from both nostrils, or just one? I have so many questions and Glamour magazine isn't helping!

This is the face of someone who would clearly die in the Cornucopia stage of the Hunger Games. Without even grabbing any supplies first.

But I have sworn to return to the blogging game, so enough complaining: IT'S BACK TO BUSINESS.

(I lied.) 

Let's get right into it. Recap time! For those just joining us, here's what you've missed in the first seven (7) chapters of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover parody. 

It's Spring Break and the Sweet Valley High gang has landed in Middle-earth! A freak accident leaves them stranded in the forests of Middle-earth, where they happen to merge paths with a group of fun-loving and sexy hobbits. Bilbo, Frodo, Merry, Samwise and Pippin are happy to have the extremely tanned teenagers join their journey to find and destroy a beautiful and powerful ring. 

Feelings and fur start to fly as the group travels forth. Jessica has fallen hard for Frodo, but his eyes sure seem to linger intently on Bilbo, much to Merry's hidden rage. Elizabeth believes she has found her academic soulmate in Gandalf, but Gandalf appears reluctant to return her feelings. Samwise struggles to control his brandywine addiction, while Pippin's lighthearted antics serve only to annoy Lila and Bruce. Distracted by excessive hair and hormones, the group fails to realize that they are being stalked by Lila's evil doppelganger, who has traveled all the way from Antarctica to take over Lila's life. 

Will Pippin's premonitions about the Land of the Elves come true? Will the gang ever realize that an evil doppelganger and her cat are among them? Will Elizabeth summon the guts to make a move on Gandalf? Will Merry's secret hatred for Bilbo make things a little awkward?


Got it? Ready to jump in and read the latest erotic adventure? No? Extremely confused and kind of irritated? Need some fresh Kleenex for your nose holes? Me too. Sometimes you have to do things the hard way. Get the full story here:

 . . .  and that brings us up-to-date. Now read and enjoyI gotta go. Twenty-four (24) boxes of cereal aren't gonna eat themselves.

Who knew that Pippin could pull off a moustache?!
As always, the lovely, hair-filled artwork is by Zak Tatham.

Chapter Eight

The Land of the Elves

Merry awoke in the morning to the sound of Bilbo’s strained wheezing. Ah, good, the old bag slumbers still, he thought, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

He watched the cavernous chest of Baggins rise and fall in its rhythmic way, hoping it would suddenly halt. He stared for quite some time, until he noticed that Frodo was beginning to stir. Soon he would wake.

Merry glanced down under his moss blanket. Yes, surely enough, his morning visitor was there, as reliable as the tide and just as unruly. He shed his blanket and pulled himself upright to prominently display his bulging wand to Frodo. Merry hoped that it might be the first sight Frodo laid his eyes upon in the morn. Merry had used that same trick with Sandyman once, and the sight had been so impressive that Sandyman had screamed loudly once, and then fainted.

Frodo slumbered on soundly, so Merry coughed and rustled the branches by his head. This produced the desired effect. Frodo jolted awake as if branded by a dwarf’s iron prod.

Merry moved his hips to and fro in a languid fashion and called out, “Good morn, dear Frodo! Delightful dreams did visit me the night past!”

“Oh, good morn, Merry. The sun smiles upon us today, does she not? Oh my, how sweetly Bilbo sleeps!” exclaimed Frodo, his eyes glued to the sleeping beast.

Merry’s smile vanished and he nodded. He despised feeling dejected so early in the morn. He walked by Bilbo and imperceptibly gave him a kick, a kick filled with jealous ire.

“Time to wake oneself!” You horrid brute, he added silently.