Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hobbit Heartache: Chapter Ten


Samwise's secret struggle with brandywine addiction ultimately cost him and Lila the chicken fight. 

(Sorry. I've learned that the best way to get people reading this blog is to include lots of what you might call "buzz words." I think I understand buzz words. They're things like "nipples." "Wild, untamed hair." "Tanned, glistening elbows." "Bilbo Baggins naked." Stuff like that. So don't be surprised if you see words like these sprinkled erotic hobbit burlap thong throughout.)

But ahem. That is all beside the intensely sexual and blonde point. 

The important thing is that it's almost summer! Halter top and miniskirt weather is upon us! All I wanna do is eat frozen yogurt and play in the park! And then take off all of my clothes and swim in a freshwater pond with size six beauties and several excessively hairy menfolk! WHO'S WITH ME?!

confused gif Pictures, Images and Photos

Pretty sure that once he thinks about it, like realllllly thinks about it, he'll be in.

If you have similar aspirations, well then, it's your lucky day. Because in this latest chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover parody, we're about to go skinny dippin'!

Like my Mom always says, it's not Spring Break until you're swimming naked with Gandalf the Grey. 

So grab your trusty glass of brandywine (chilled, of course), remove all of your clothes (yes, even the twine loincloth) and head down to the local freshwater pond for the time of your life. And then open your laptop, try to connect to whatever Wi-Fi network is available out in the woods, click on my blog (you've memorized the link, right? I sure hope so), and then read the chapter below. And don't forget the sunscreen! And to let someone know where you're going and when you'll be back! And to feed your cats before heading out for the erotic skinny dippin'! You should still try to be responsible even when in the presence of rock hard hobbit abs. (I'm nailing these buzz words!)

In a moment of uncharacteristic generosity, Bruce undressed
ever so slowly to allow everyone to savor the moment. 
Trying to get your Canada Day/Fourth of July shopping done early? That's smart. I wish I could be like that. Hobbit Heartache prints are available from the amorously artistic Zak Tatham, 4 for $20! Please, I implore you, think of your country.

Warning: Possibly NSTRAAW (Not Safe to Read Aloud at Work)

Chapter Ten

“Does anyone need a water break?” asked Elizabeth with concern.

The sun was beating down upon them and they’d been hiking for hours with no rest, much like the time the gang became lost in Death Valley on a routine school field trip. Since Pippin’s slaughter, the mood had been a little less lighthearted than before. The group hadn’t laughed in over a week, not even when Winston tripped over his monstrously large extremities and fell ten feet into a deep canyon.

“We’re fine; let’s just push through,” replied Jessica flippantly.

Elizabeth gave her a stern look and subtly gestured towards Samwise. The hobbit had been hiking slowly and unsteadily with his head hanging down ever since Pippin’s death. Elizabeth could tell with just one look that not only was Samwise’s heart broken, but he was extremely intoxicated as well. His usual smell of musky beetroot was tinged with the faint yet persistent odor of bile.

If there was ever anyone who needed my help, it’s Samwise, she thought.

“Let’s take a ten!” Liz announced firmly, stopping in her well-trodden tracks.

“A fine idea from a most precocious lady,” agreed Georg, wiping a bead of sweat from his brow. Bilbo stopped and removed his sandals. “Frodo, my feet?” he beckoned.

The group dispersed, most heading for the shade of the trees. Lila and Georg strolled off together, spiritedly discussing the merits of Italian villas. Elizabeth pulled Samwise aside discreetly.

“Samwise, I hope you don’t mind me saying this,” said Elizabeth kindly. “But you don’t seem to be doing so well these days.”

Sam shrugged. “I admit there have been days past that have treated me with higher regard.”

“What is your home life like? Do your parents love you?” Liz asked, her caring brow furrowed.

“Well, I was born to a blacksmith and a sheep spinner—” Sam began.

“Did you ever think that perhaps you should accept some of the blame for your alcoholism?”

Samwise took a step back as if he had just been slapped.

“In Hobbiton, we tend to mind our own affairs,” Sam replied curtly. “As well, hydration is very important. Perhaps if you’d stop chasing after Gandalf the Grey like a wanton hussy, you would have a moment to reflect upon your own faults!” He stalked off into the woods.

“Think about what we talked about, Sam. I’m always here for help,” Elizabeth called out after him happily. She always felt most satisfied after successfully solving someone’s problems. She chuckled to herself over Sam’s joke about her having faults.

Samwise may be a severe alcoholic, but he sure has a sense of humor.

Humming her favorite Droids tune with perfect pitch, Elizabeth rejoined the group. They were sitting on the grass, covered with a layer of sweat and dirt. It seemed to have gone up twenty degrees in the past hour alone. Jessica had fashioned her halter top into a stylish bandeau and Winston and Bruce both had taken off their shirts.

“Everyone looks like they’re melting!” Elizabeth said, keenly accessing the situation with her journalist’s mind.

“Bilbo, we’re dying here,” said Winston. “Is there a local swimming pool or something? An ice cream shop? A lemonade stand, even?”

“I could certainly go for one of Casey’s sundae creations right now!” Liz exclaimed jubilantly. Bruce rolled his eyes.

“My friends, it is uncharacteristically warm for spring. But worry not, there does indeed happen to be a freshwater spring up just ahead,” replied Bilbo. “If it so pleases you, we could fill our canteens and perhaps even dip our feet into it.”

“Um, yes, it would so please me,” said Bruce. “I feel like I’m actually in hell right now. The only way this could be worse is if there’s some kind of hobbit freshwater song that you have to sing.”

“There surely is and it is a haunting yet poignant melody. Frodo, will you lead us with the first verse?” replied Bilbo.

With Frodo’s steady warble filling the humid air, the group hiked with a new spring in their steps. And sure enough, after about ten more minutes of hiking Elizabeth could see a shimmering dot of blue up ahead. They all ran towards the water, except Georg, who hastily marched. Liz made a mental note to pull Georg aside when she next had a chance to discuss his marching problem.

She sighed with relief when they reached the water, a refreshing breeze lifting her angora-like hair off of her un-broad shoulders.

“Who’s coming in with me?” called out Jessica, her mellifluous voice filling the air like the sound of a thousand flutes perfectly tuned to A major.

“But Jess, we don’t have our swimsuits. All of the luggage was lost in the bus explosion,” said Liz, her adorable cerebrum momentarily confused.

“Don’t be such a prude, dear sis,” replied Jess. “One doesn’t have to wear a bathing suit to swim.” She raised a photogenic eyebrow flirtatiously at Frodo.

“Jessica is correct. We hobbits swim in nothing but our bare hides,” stated Frodo.

“Oh yes, it feels smooth and luxurious upon your skin, as if someone were pouring goat’s cream all over your body,” added Merry. Elizabeth looked away. She couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable around Merry for some reason.

He’s always touching his pants, she thought, commending herself on a cunning observation.

When Elizabeth looked back, Bilbo had already taken off his clothes. Her innocent face turned bright red at the sight of his low-hanging belly, which thankfully obscured the view of his nether regions.

The rest of the hobbits followed suit and ran splashing into the water. Lila took one look at the naked hobbits and their flopping male parts and turned away in disgust.

“I’m going to sunbathe in that clear patch over there,” she said. “If you need to find me, I’ll be the one far away from the pack of naked wolfmen.”

The Sweet Valley gang and Georg lingered on the edge of the water, uncertain.

I’ve never seen so much hair before! Liz thought, watching the hobbits frolic in the water. It’s like they have bathing suits made of fur. Todd and Steven sure don’t look like that.

The thought of Todd sent a slight pang of guilt coursing through her accomplished spinal cord system. She hadn’t thought about her longtime boyfriend for days because she’d been spending so much time talking to Gandalf.

I can relate to Gandalf more because we’re both academics. That’s the only reason why I talk to him so much.

“What are we waiting for?” cried out Jessica. “Come on, we’re probably never going to get out of Middle-earth alive. Let’s have some fun on Spring Break before we die!” She tore off her trend-setting top, slid her suede miniskirt down to the ground and ran to join the hobbits in the water. Winston gasped at the sight of her nude, perfectly sculpted body. He sank to his knees and kissed the ground.

“I can die happy now, dear Lord,” he proclaimed. “My one wish in life has just been granted.”

“I will not be doffing my clothes,” announced Georg. “It is not the proper way to conduct oneself in public. I shall swim in my undergarments.” He removed his hunting jacket and carefully hung it on a tree, stripping down to a full-length beige woolen jumpsuit.

Elizabeth stole a look at Gandalf, who was standing by himself off to the side. She gave him a gentle smile, to which he acknowledged with a curt nod and looked away. She sighed, a wistful exhalation of sweet-smelling breath.

I don’t know what it is, but I just get this strange feeling that Gandalf doesn’t like me. But that can’t be right. I’ve given him loads of advice and I’ve interviewed him at least five times. I even promised him that he’d make the front page of The Oracle, as long as Penny says yes. What else could he want?

Well, maybe Gandalf wants a girl who’s a little wild, Liz reflected. And Jess is right, it’s Spring Break! Elizabeth Wakefield, it’s time to cut loose.

She pulled her honeyed hair into a neat French braid and unbuttoned her khaki capri pants.

“Liz, what are you doing? Are you going nekkid, too?” exclaimed Winston in shock.

“Maybe I am, Winston. How about that?” Liz said with false confidence. She unzipped her pants and pulled them down. She started to remove her underwear but found she couldn’t. That may have been fine for Jessica, but that just wasn’t her. Liz stood demurely in her cream-colored Swiss lace bra and matching full coverage underwear.

“Race you to the water, Win!” she called out, dashing ahead. She glanced back and saw that Winston had dropped his pants and was sprinting towards her.

Oh my, Liz thought, her electrifying eyes widened. Winston’s genitals were extremely large. Who would have ever guessed that? Todd doesn’t even have genitals!

They ran into the water with Bruce and Georg following behind. Liz felt a splash and turned to see Bilbo behind her with a wink. Jessica jumped onto Frodo’s shoulders for a chicken fight between Winston and Merry, and they all tumbled into the water, laughing.

“Hey, look who decided to join us!” called out Jessica when they emerged. Everyone turned to see Lila creeping into the water.

“Whoa, nice suit, Fowler,” said Bruce, eyeing Lila’s thick white undershirt and shorts. “Are those thermal?”

“Oh, yes. I bought them in Paris, France. The France in Europe. My father is quite wealthy, you know,” replied Lila stiffly.

“Have you always had a lazy eye, Lila?” asked Winston, peering at Lila’s face.

“Yes,” answered Lila. “I attend Sweet Valley High with you.”

“Oh. Okay. Hey!” cried Winston, distracted as Merry sent a tidal wave of water his way.

Liz cocked her streamlined head and observed Lila. Something seemed not quite right. Lila’s hair, normally glossy and smooth, was thick and frizzy. Her legs, usually hairless and tan, looked stubbly and pasty. And her voice seemed hoarse, like Lila was catching a cold.

I should really go make sure Lila’s feeling okay, Elizabeth thought with concern, watching Lila wade over to Georg. Being lost in the forest with no clothes or supplies is no excuse to let your hygiene go. I thought Lila knew better.

But before Elizabeth could intervene, her discerning eye caught sight of Gandalf sitting alone on the shore, looking pensive.

I better make sure Gandalf doesn’t feel left out. He’s so quiet! I think he needs a friend.

Liz trekked out of the water and plopped herself down next to Gandalf on the sand. Her Swiss lace bra and underwear had turned translucent in the water and a faint outline of Liz’s dainty carnation-pink nipples could be seen. Liz caught Gandalf glance at her chest, then cringe and recoil.

He’s nervous to be around girls, she realized. Poor Gandalf. He doesn’t know how excitingly handsome he is!

“Don’t feel much like swimming?” she asked, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I care not for swimming, but prefer to spend time thinking of the vast universe that surrounds us all,” replied Gandalf, staring off into the horizon.

“It’s okay to have body issues and not want to be seen in your swimsuit,” said Liz. “Sometimes my best friend Enid complains to me about her body. She thinks she’s ugly because she doesn’t look like me.”

“Appearances can vary greatly, but ultimately matter not. We experience alike the few primal emotions regardless of physical exteriors,” said Gandalf, stroking his long, white beard.

“One time we went to a spa and Enid was brainwashed by the spa director into almost having plastic surgery. She tried to get rid of her freckles and everything! That’s why I’m glad that I look like me. I don’t have any freckles,” Liz said helpfully. She watched Gandalf running his fingers through his beard. I wish Todd could grow facial hair, she thought.

Gandalf remained silent, seemingly lost in thought. Liz reached out again.

“Are you considering plastic surgery?” Liz asked. “I sure hope not. I think your looks are just fine, Gandalf.” She gave him a shy smile.

“You misconstrue my words once again, Elizabeth. I must admit that I find it tiresome to engage in endless conversation with you when you seem to comprehend little to none of what I speak,” spoke Gandalf. “The world is immense and you have much to learn.”

“Yes, you’re right. I love to learn. One time Jess and I spent a week at Sweet Valley University, where my brother Steven sometimes goes to school. We got to go to college classes and everything! But then I had to pretend I was Jess so she could get into a sorority and Jess fell in love with a sixteen year old, and it was a mess. So I can really understand what you mean, Gandalf.”

“You understand naught.”

“Look at Merry and Winston! It looks like they’re trying to imitate dogs or something!” called out Liz, pointing to the water and laughing with delight. “Winston’s such a clown. What’s he doing on top of Merry like that?”

Gandalf looked at the two and shook his head. “It is time for my solitary meditation amongst the forest trees. I shall return shortly.” He turned and walked off into the forest without so much as a backwards glance at Elizabeth. She watched his white robes flow with his fluid movement, his staff gripped tightly in his wise hands.

I love our talks, Liz thought with pleasure. We both teach each other so much.

Just then panicked shouts from the water caught Elizabeth’s valued attention. Everyone was dashing in to the shore as fast as they could. Liz watched Bilbo’s belly bounce up and down with exertion. Unlike last time when she had averted her consoling eyes from Bilbo’s naked body, this time she saw it all.

So shrivelled and white, she observed. Like a boiled mushroom in the snow. Oh, that could make a nice poem for The Oracle; I should remember to work on that later.

“What’s wrong, everyone? How can I help?” Liz cried out, running to join the group.

“The Ring burned dear Bilbo’s velvety skin!” cried Frodo, pointing at Bilbo.

Sure enough, there was a small, red circle burned into Bilbo’s chest, at the precise spot where the Ring had been hanging on a leather rope around his neck.

“Oh no! Let me see. I used to be a candy striper at the hospital so I understand medical issues,” Elizabeth said, moving closer to Bilbo to inspect. His naked penis brushed up against her well-exercised leg. Elizabeth turned bright red and tried to subtly move the three inches of wrinkled skin away from her.

“This looks awful. We need some butter,” she swiftly diagnosed. “Or is it mustard?”

“Sorry, Dr. Wakefield, fresh out of mustard. Any other brilliant recommendations?” asked Bruce dryly.

“If you place fresh penguin dung upon a burn, it will help to aid healing,” said Lila suddenly. Everyone froze and stared at Lila, who tugged at her undershirt and cast her eyes downward. “I’ll be right back,” she blurted out, turning and staggering into the forest.

Elizabeth locked confused yet bespangled eyes with Jessica, who shrugged, nonplussed. Elizabeth turned her attention back to the injured Bilbo.

“Maybe if we put some dirt on top of it,” she mused, staring at the fresh wound.

“Do not be foolish.” Liz turned to see Gandalf suddenly next to her, appearing out of nowhere. “This wound is a sign that cannot be misconstrued,” he continued.

“Do tell what you mean,” urged Bilbo.

“This is a message from Sauron himself. It means that we must continue in our journey and waste no further time with such idle activities. Sauron grows angry in his wait for the Ring,” stated Gandalf.

The hobbits had turned pale at the mention of Sauron, but Elizabeth didn’t quite understand.

“We are traveling to give the Ring to Lord Sauron?” questioned Frodo, his hairy face pale with fear. “You did not tell us this, Bilbo.”

“I did not know it myself until now, dear Frodo. I could only feel the pull from a mysterious force, drawing us closer to our end destination. I knew I had to trust this force, and now the purpose is clear. The Ring is the ultimate expression of power; of course it is something that Sauron would desire,” replied Bilbo, his finger anxiously tracing the ring-shaped wound on his chest.

“What is Sauron?” Elizabeth asked. “Why are you all so frightened?”

“Sauron is the lord of all things evil in Middle-earth,” explained Frodo. “He will kill us without a doubt when he lays his demonic eyes upon us. He has no soul and can suck the soul out of those who do. We will die painfully and slowly, and he will laugh with glee as he watches.”

“Oh, Frodo! That sounds awful!” whimpered Jessica. “You’ll have to protect me!”

“Is this fellow German?” enquired Georg. “Has he political affiliations?”

“Christ, this Spring Break just keeps getting better and better,” muttered Bruce, pulling on his chinos.

“Winston! Merry! Get ahold of yourselves,” whispered Liz to the two, who had been giggling and slapping each other on their naked backsides throughout Gandalf’s announcement. They had both emerged from the water with large, erect sexual organs. “I know this is exciting news, but you’re being inappropriate.”

“Come, don your garments, everyone. We must travel on in haste. The dwarf town of Dwarven is near. If we hike with speed, we can make it there by nightfall. Gimli, the head dwarf, owes me a favor. He will host us for the evening,” announced Bilbo. “Let us meet by the hopdragon bush in four minutes’ time.”

The group dispersed. Elizabeth grabbed her striped polo shirt and pulled it over her agile head, happily noting that her nipples were no longer erect. They had really made Gandalf uncomfortable.

Lila strolled up to the group, looking bronzed and relaxed.

“We’re leaving already? Hey, what’s on your chest?” she asked, pointing to Bilbo’s wound.

She’s really lost in her own world, Liz thought. It’s just insensitive. She added it to the long list of items to discuss with her party members.

Fully clothed once more, the group set off for Dwarven. Liz settled into her usual hiking spot next to Gandalf, relishing the opportunity to talk to him about important social issues.

“Gandalf, do you like Christmas or Valentine’s Day more?” she called out, enjoying the sigh of contentment that her question elicited from him.

Today was a great day for us, Liz reflected. Gandalf really bared his soul to me. She shivered with anticipation at the thought of their upcoming night in Dwarven. Maybe tonight he’ll bare even more!

Will Gandalf ever reveal which holiday is his favorite? Will Elizabeth’s scandalous wish be granted in Dwarven? Are Lila’s thermal undershorts straight off the Parisian runway? And is Lord Sauron really as cranky as he sounds?



  1. I learned something about having real fun from winston and merry and Liz's poetry; and someone should organize a trip to the island or a cool body of water for skinny dipping soon, I'm sick of sticking to everything and wearing cloths!

  2. I know what you mean; this heat wave has got me down! It really makes you feel for someone like Georg, stuck in a woolen jumpsuit and jacket all the day long. Poor guy.

    Until I can find a cool body of water other than my shower, I will be eating ice cream everyday and dreaming of the beach and/or next year's Spring Break.

  3. Who does your photoshopping? Amazing!

    1. I actually outsource all of my Photoshops, so I haven't even met the talented artist yet! But I wager that she is very talented. And unspeakably breathtaking. And possibly a cat owner. But that is simply a wager.