WHO WANTS TO GET NAKED?!?
|Samwise's secret struggle with brandywine addiction ultimately cost him and Lila the chicken fight.|
(Sorry. I've learned that the best way to get people reading this blog is to include lots of what you might call "buzz words." I think I understand buzz words. They're things like "nipples." "Wild, untamed hair." "Tanned, glistening elbows." "Bilbo Baggins naked." Stuff like that. So don't be surprised if you see words like these sprinkled erotic hobbit burlap thong throughout.)
But ahem. That is all beside the intensely sexual and blonde point.
The important thing is that it's almost summer! Halter top and miniskirt weather is upon us! All I wanna do is eat frozen yogurt and play in the park! And then take off all of my clothes and swim in a freshwater pond with size six beauties and several excessively hairy menfolk! WHO'S WITH ME?!
Pretty sure that once he thinks about it, like realllllly thinks about it, he'll be in.
If you have similar aspirations, well then, it's your lucky day. Because in this latest chapter of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover parody, we're about to go skinny dippin'!
Like my Mom always says, it's not Spring Break until you're swimming naked with Gandalf the Grey.
So grab your trusty glass of brandywine (chilled, of course), remove all of your clothes (yes, even the twine loincloth) and head down to the local freshwater pond for the time of your life. And then open your laptop, try to connect to whatever Wi-Fi network is available out in the woods, click on my blog (you've memorized the link, right? I sure hope so), and then read the chapter below. And don't forget the sunscreen! And to let someone know where you're going and when you'll be back! And to feed your cats before heading out for the erotic skinny dippin'! You should still try to be responsible even when in the presence of rock hard hobbit abs. (I'm nailing these buzz words!)
|In a moment of uncharacteristic generosity, Bruce undressed |
ever so slowly to allow everyone to savor the moment.
Warning: Possibly NSTRAAW (Not Safe to Read Aloud at Work)
“Does anyone need a water break?” asked Elizabeth with concern.
The sun was beating down upon them and they’d been hiking for hours with no rest, much like the time the gang became lost in Death Valley on a routine school field trip. Since Pippin’s slaughter, the mood had been a little less lighthearted than before. The group hadn’t laughed in over a week, not even when Winston tripped over his monstrously large extremities and fell ten feet into a deep canyon.
“We’re fine; let’s just push through,” replied Jessica flippantly.
Elizabeth gave her a stern look and subtly gestured towards Samwise. The hobbit had been hiking slowly and unsteadily with his head hanging down ever since Pippin’s death. Elizabeth could tell with just one look that not only was Samwise’s heart broken, but he was extremely intoxicated as well. His usual smell of musky beetroot was tinged with the faint yet persistent odor of bile.
If there was ever anyone who needed my help, it’s Samwise, she thought.
“Let’s take a ten!” Liz announced firmly, stopping in her well-trodden tracks.
“A fine idea from a most precocious lady,” agreed Georg, wiping a bead of sweat from his brow. Bilbo stopped and removed his sandals. “Frodo, my feet?” he beckoned.
The group dispersed, most heading for the shade of the trees. Lila and Georg strolled off together, spiritedly discussing the merits of Italian villas. Elizabeth pulled Samwise aside discreetly.
“Samwise, I hope you don’t mind me saying this,” said Elizabeth kindly. “But you don’t seem to be doing so well these days.”
Sam shrugged. “I admit there have been days past that have treated me with higher regard.”
“What is your home life like? Do your parents love you?” Liz asked, her caring brow furrowed.
“Well, I was born to a blacksmith and a sheep spinner—” Sam began.
“Did you ever think that perhaps you should accept some of the blame for your alcoholism?”
Samwise took a step back as if he had just been slapped.
“In Hobbiton, we tend to mind our own affairs,” Sam replied curtly. “As well, hydration is very important. Perhaps if you’d stop chasing after Gandalf the Grey like a wanton hussy, you would have a moment to reflect upon your own faults!” He stalked off into the woods.
“Think about what we talked about, Sam. I’m always here for help,” Elizabeth called out after him happily. She always felt most satisfied after successfully solving someone’s problems. She chuckled to herself over Sam’s joke about her having faults.
Samwise may be a severe alcoholic, but he sure has a sense of humor.