My Adventure with The Onion

I'd like to interrupt your regular reading of Hobbit Heartache to tell you a tale.  It is a tale of a journey I am currently taking, a journey that most likely will not have a happy ending.  After embarking on this journey, well, I can certainly understand how the hobbits feel in their quest to Gondor or wherever the hell they're going.   Or how Jessica and Elizabeth felt when they went to Malibu to be au pairs for the summer.   Or how Bilbo felt when he went to the sexy Land of the Elves.  Or how the twins felt when they went to Paradise Spa and there was a murderous spa director and she...

Sorry.  I'll stop.

(You'll have to forgive me; my mind is kind of stuck in those two worlds as of late and will continue to be so probably until 2013.)  

Seriously, this is what the inside of my head looks like these days, but with less hobbit beer and more cat puke (Money is sick).

AHEM.  Back to my journey.   Well, it all began when I learned that the satirical newspaper The Onion was heading to Canada.  Writing for a paper like The Onion comes pretty close to my dream job, which involves starting up cereal-based letter writing campaigns, wearing costumes in public and petting dogs (I feel like craigslist is my best bet there).  I knew I couldn't waste this opportunity like I did with the Harry Potter job.   Or like when I sent my audition tape for America's Next Top Model: All Stars Season to the wrong Tyra Banks.  Or when Squash Ontario refused to sponsor me in the World's Largest Squash Casserole competition.   No, I really had to nail this.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Time for a barrage of letters displaying my multifaceted personality and unwavering-to-the-point-of-fear-provoking persistence!

Note: It's a fine, fine line  between "you're hired" and "our legal counsel has issued a cease and desist." 

Like any hopeful applicant, I began by doing a little research.  I closely examined The Onion's policy on receiving resumes.  It is as follows:  "Please do not send/e-mail resumes concerning listed positions unless specifically told to do so in the listing. Any unsolicited resumes will be immediately discarded."

Well. That seems open to interpretation.

They did not discuss their policy for sending resumes for unlisted positions.  Nor did it discuss their policy on receiving acceptance letters.

And thus, the adventure begins:

A month goes by.  I hear nothing from The Onion, not even from Matt at the office.  I start to fret a little bit, because, you know, I'd asked some important questions that needed answers. Time was of the essence, which is why I had marked the envelope as "URGENT" two  (2) times.  I wanted to shop for my new uniform clothes while the summer dickey sales were still going strong. I also wanted to print a few mock business cards to distribute before the official ones were made because you know I'm all about networking.

The zebra one is perfect for "Casual Friday," right?  That's what I was thinking, too. Now, if only The Onion would write me back so I could figure out how many I'd need for my new job.   I took a guess and bought six (6).

I kept my head up and continued to maintain my extensive exercise regime. In the midst of a squat series which involved the use of both wooden planks and steel buckets of boiling water, the answer hit me: of COURSE they hadn't replied!  I forgot to send them my references! A rookie mistake, one that I really should have known better.   But one that can be easily fixed.

The adventure continues.  And since all of my previous references have politely asked me not to contact them again, I had to go a different route.

I also remembered to include my resume and "Books Read in 2009" list this time.  I wanted to make sure that they knew I could write articles about all kinds of things, like senior cats and kids that live in boxcars and also monsters (both in mythology and real life).

I also of course included my headshot.  It's a bit outdated but I think it still accurately conveys my intensity for The Onion.

(I have new headshots that feature both my roommates and my cat Money but getting rid of the red eye has taken longer than expected.  Fingers crossed for January 2012!)

Possibly 2013.

I sit and I wait for another month, checking my mailbox daily with growing frustration.  I try to stay positive but I can't deny that my exercise regime is slipping.  I'm down to lifting five (5) gallon buckets of water instead of ten (10).  My dickeys are gathering dust in my closet, my fanfiction work is taking a turn for the morbid, and yeah, my hygiene is suffering as well.  I've been down this road before with previous letter writing campaigns (Francine Pascal, I'm looking at you right now), and it's neither healthy nor good for me.

My deepening depression luckily did not affect our evening spinning classes. 3x a week will do wonders!

To make matters even worse, The Onion prints their first Toronto edition, and sure enough, my articles have not made the front page.  In fact, they're not printed at all.  I am filled with shame.

(Is two (2) gifs per post pushing the limits?  I'm still testing the waters here.)

I reach out my vulnerable and increasingly untoned arms once again.

... And still, nothing.  NOTHING.  Not even from Joan after I included the first six (6) chapters of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction especially for her. I'd like to blame it on the postal system, but as I just received a new SVH shipment from Amazon, (Wakefield Legacy: The Untold Story, I warmly welcome you into my life), I know it just can't be.

For when you're in the mood for an epic.

But those who know me know that I do not relent easily.  I'm in the midst of a 5,600 word article debating the merits of gray cats over orange ones so I can prove to The Onion that I can be topical as well as informative.   And after that, I'm mailing them a collage comprised of both dried and moist onion skins (mostly red, but also yellow and white onion skins for accent) to show my versatility. 

It will be five (5) feet tall and bring tears to the eyes of all who gaze upon it.

(If you have any extra onion skins you'd like to contribute, feel free to drop them off at my house anytime, night or day (preferably dawn).  My roommate Heather is in charge of the collection, so you can just slide them right under her door or throw them at her window. I will need at least 300.)

Are my letters/handmade projects/half-finished novels most likely being thrown immediately into the garbage, you ask? Oh, almost certainly.  Is that going to stop me?  Well, probably, yeah.  Eventually. I got erotic fanfictions to write! But there is a part of me that really hopes something comes of this, even if it's just a standard rejection letter from a truly awesome newspaper.  I really don't want to have to toss my five hundred (500) new Onion business cards. I'm still getting through my Samantha Clark: ANTM All Star ones.  

It's sad because I was fairly certain we would hit it off.

You can bet your bippy I'll be keeping you updated of any progress with this adventure, and I gladly welcome any advice or encouragement.   But for now, it's back to Middle-earth with me, where I shall emerge only briefly to create my Halloween costumes.  Does anyone have thirty (30) cats I can borrow?  (Feral preferred.)

Hobbit Heartache: Chapter 3

(Guess who's learning Photoshop?!)

Imma stop you before you dive right into Chapter Three (3) of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction.  And I'm going to warn you:  this chapter gets real.

You're right to feel like this.

Yeah, I know that in Chapter One, things were all fine and dandy and the Sweet Valley gang was flying to Middle-earth, and maybe even some people were getting a little frisky in the plane bathroom and Winston was all gangly and awkward because he has big feet and the twins had a shared dream and those are always fun and we were all excited to start Sweet Valley High's 427th's Spring Break. 

These two had fun in Chapter One.

And I also know that in Chapter Two, the hobbits were all feasting and dancing in the Shire and sure, maybe Frodo was a little sad but then Bilbo came home and he had crazy news and they're about to go on a huge adventure and also sure, maybe Samwise drank a bit too much brandywine and passed out, but who hasn't been there? 

Frodo had a bit of fun in Chapter Two.

Here's the thing: NO ONE HAS FUN IN CHAPTER THREE.  And that's because things take a turn for the terrifying.  If I've learned anything from my years of reading SVH, it's that when you leave Sweet Valley, bad things happen.  Very bad things.  And also that I should just give up on life because my hair is not a sun-streaked gilded blonde, but alas, a mousy brunette.  But persist I shall, if only to bring you the third chapter of Hobbit Heartache. So I really hope you enjoy it.

Enough talk; let's land this plane in Middle-earth!

Artwork by the explosive Zak Tatham

Chapter Three

Elizabeth gazed out the bus window, taking in Middle-earth’s lush green scenery. How beautiful, she thought, almost like Sweet Valley’s country club. The club was the most breathtaking place she knew, and the site of many Wakefield family celebrations. Elizabeth sighed, feeling the first pangs of homesickness for her family back home and their elegantly decorated split-level Spanish-style house. The group had only been in Middle-earth for a few hours, but already it had been a rough trip.

Upon landing in the JFK Middle-earth Airport, the students had been led by Mr. Jaworski to the luggage area to collect their bags. But instead of seeing a colorful merry-go-round of luggage, they had been greeted by an empty terminal, with cobwebs and dust covering the luggage carousel. When they tried to find an airport employee to help them, the students only found a short child sitting behind the customer service counter. When the worker caught sight of the group, he scurried off as fast as he could without saying so much as a word. And Winston swore up and down that the worker wasn’t even wearing shoes!

Thanksgiving Part I

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Canadian friends!

Since I don't have any family here in Canada, I usually celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving by watching TV marathons and then eating the leftovers my roommates bring home.   This year there was a 3rd Rock from the Sun marathon.   Doesn't get much better than that...

...except maybe having a real Thanksgiving and being with family and bringing on the YAMS and all that stuff, maybe.  But not by much.

This year I mixed it up a bit and made Velvet take a walk and admire the fall leaves with me. 

Did I mention that it's my favorite time of year?

Oh yeah, Velvet says happy Thanksgiving, too.

The only way this holiday could have been better is if our cats would just finally learn to walk on leashes already.  It's been three (3) years now; COME ON!

I hope you all had Thanksgiving feasts aplenty and that your cats have the ability to walk on leashes.

This cat ain't walking nowhere.

PS--I'd like to congratulate my dear friend Wes and his lovely bride, Rachel, on their beautiful Tennessee wedding this past Saturday.  I'm so glad I could be there with you two, and enjoy the Canadian chocolate bars.  They shall count as my wedding present.

PPS--Thank you Heather for the leftovers.

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

Since posting Chapter One of Hobbit Heartache, the Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story,  my inbox has been flooded with demands for Chapter Two.   The fact that my email inbox is extremely small and can only hold three (3) emails at a time is irrelevant.  FLOODED.

I want you all to be happy, except for those of you I dislike, so it is with great pleasure and some trepidation that I post Chapter Two:  Mr. Bilbo Returns.  Time for our first hobbit party!

If there's one (1) thing that SVH and LOTR have in common, it's their love for a celebration...and that's probably it.

LOTR fans, a reminder before you read this and weep with sadness:  This is my complete imagining of the LOTR world, as I have neither read the books nor watched the movies.  I know the bare bones and I'm attempting to piece together the rest.  It is a task that is much harder than I thought would be. Especially trying to compose hobbit songs.  So, so many hobbit songs, mostly about trees.

You may now commence your weeping.

(Can you tell I'm going through a major gif phase lately?  I can't stop, don't want to stop, DON'T MAKE ME STOP.)

PS--If you missed Chapter One, in which the Sweet Valley gang are on an erotically charged airplane ride to spend their Spring Break in Middle Earth, you can catch up here.  Intro, rave reviews and more back story are here.   

And now, without further ado, let's meet at the Shire and get sloshed on brandywine, shall we?

Chapter Two: Mr. Bilbo Returns

The door to the grass hut opened and dirt fell down to the ground from Frodo the hobbit’s twine sandals. He knelt down to remove the sandals, the trusty protectors that had aided his large feet as he gathered berries and herbs from the forest for the evening supper. Frodo was often keen to search for food and happy to provide for his fellow hobbits but of late he felt a deep, unexplained yearning. It was as if something dear was missing from his life but he could not imagine what. This feeling, of course, worried Frodo.

Frodo crossed the room and stood at his window. He looked wistfully outside, to the tall forest trees which could talk, to the grass clearing where hobbit celebrations oft took place, to the clear brook where the hobbits bathed together in brotherly fashion. Hobbiton, though small and humble, was his home.

Frodo began to sing, softly at first then gaining strength:

Sturdy is my home, like a redwood tree it stands

I sleep with a blanket of trees and clouds above me,

Their leaves, the hills and my heart make up this land

Protected though I feel, there is something that is amiss

A feeling has me blinded but why I cannot see

My limbs ache for contact, they burn for a gentle touch

Is it a fair hobbit I long for, for a simple touch or kiss?

Frodo’s song was interrupted as his cherished friend Merry entered his hut.

Cut it out, $10,000 Dodgeball Tournaments!

Mood:  Content

You know if I'm posting on a weekend,  it's gotta be something big.

AND IT IS!  My dodgeball team, the Devil Bats, won $1,000.00 in a dodgeball tournament yesterday.  It was our biggest win yet.

Wheeee!

The tournament was thrown by my friend Dan, the founder of Dodgeball Nation.   The top prize was $10,000, so teams came from all over North America to compete.  We played and watched teams from Ottawa, Wisconsin, L.A.,  Dallas, P.E.I. and of course Toronto.

After seven (7) hours of playing, the Devil Bats came in third out of twenty-two (22) teams.

Revel in our sweat-drenched bodies!  Did I mention it was seven (7) hours of playing?  But in the end, we smelled like hundred dollar (dolla? can I pull off dolla?) bills. 

To celebrate, we like to take a picture to demonstrate how sexy we are, followed by jump shots.  You know, all the standard sport team shots. 

Here's us in February when we came in third place and won $750, and us yesterday after coming in third place and winning $1,000.  If nothing else can be said for us, we're consistent.  And quite possibly growing sexier (and a little more naked, for some people).

...And we're definitely getting worse at jump shots.  But hey, that's nothing $1,000 can't fix. 

Thank you Eric, Velvet, Kerry, Lazy, Sammie, Mergeler, Mike and Jonah, my teammates that I cherish very much.  We'll be playing in a tournament in July 2012 to win $15,000, so expect to see a few more sexy shots (SFW), and hopefully a shot of us jumping for joy with $15,000 raining upon us.  And also sweat.  Lots and lots of sweat. 

Check out me (and my roomie Heather) in action!   As you can see, I'm an invaluable part of my team.  I also apparently have the stance of a caveman.  $15K, here we come. 

*Photo credits and big thanks go to my friend and fellow dodgeballer, Ryan. 

Hobbit Heartache--Chapter One

Pack your duffel bags and goatskins, kids; we're going to Middle-earth!

That's right--it's time for your first taste of Hobbit Heartache!  For those just joining us, Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/ Lord of the Rings erotic crossover fanfiction story.  The world's first of its kind--can you believe that?!

Yes, I see that confused look on your face. And...is that distain? DISGUST?! Sheesh, hear me out first.   This explains the project in a bit more detail, though it likely won't answer your question of who in the world would want to read this.  Well, my plan is to give anyone who has a birthday/wedding/housewarming party in the next year an autographed copy of Hobbit Heartache from me as a gift.   That way I can force people to read it.

YOU'RE ALL GETTING A COPY AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT IT.

Before we dive in, a bit of info--chapters will mostly alternate between a Sweet Valley High viewpoint and a Lord of the Rings viewpoint. Stylistically, you'll be able to easily distinguish between the two (2) because the SVH chapters will be written to resemble a typical Sweet Valley High book (meaning every single opportunity to insert a glowing adjective praising the twins will of course be taken).  LOTR chapters will be written in a manner that almost perfectly mimics Tolkien.

(This is surprising considering I have never read his work. Not even once.)

(LOTR fans, prepare to ignite your angry mob instrument of choice now.)

"SHE SAID SHE COULD WRITE BETTER THAN TOLKIEN!"

I kid.  That ain't me.  My style is definitely more Pascal than Tolkien.

Each chapter is roughly five (5) to six (6) pages long, so they may require a bit of work from you, dear readers.  You guys are used to my mega blog posts, so just consider this a Special Edition Mega Blog Post. My motivational advice? Let the promise of eventual erotica keep you going! 

Ever wondered just what was hiding under that tunic? Or why Bilbo's smile is oh so coy? If so, this is the story for you!

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome on board my new erotic fanfiction illustrator, Zak.  Zak is responsible for  the naughty drawing at the top and you'll be seeing his work throughout the story.  I'm happy to have him along for the journey.  Be warned:  I think he wants to take it reallllly erotic.

Liz, no one ever knew you could get so freaky.

Now, with all of that housekeeping out of the way, don your sexiest halter top, sit back with your favorite burlap blanket, pour a lukewarm glass of brandywine and enjoy the first chapter of Hobbit Heartache.

Chapter 1

“Oh, Liz! I think I can almost see land!” Jessica Wakefield squealed, bouncing up and down in her airplane seat. “Look; I’m so excited that I have goose bumps!” she said, extending a tanned arm for her twin sister Elizabeth to inspect.

“Yup, you sure do,” Elizabeth confirmed, taking in Jessica’s slim, goose bumped arm. “But what changed from five minutes ago, when you told me you’d rather be stuck on a desert island with Winston Egbert again than go to Middle-earth for Spring Break?”

“Welllll,” Jessica drawled, “I decided that even if Middle-earth seems boring, I’ll just make sure that I meet some not-so-boring boys to make it fun. Plus, I bet they’ll have sexy accents, like Jamie Peters or that guy I dated who turned out to be a vampire.”

Introducing...Hobbit Heartache!

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm pleased to share with all of you that I have a new, very important literary project on the horizon. It's something that I began work on a few months ago (see--yet another reason for why I've been doing such a pitiful job of posting on my blog. That, and you know, summer).



Glorious, glorious summer.

I'm truly excited about this project. It's something that I think has the potential to unite radically diverse groups of people, something that holds the promise of transcending traditional literary canons and something that if Aesop were around today, he would surely claim it as his own.



Not yours, but mine.

Dear Readers, I present you with the official sneak preview of Hobbit Heartache.



"Could a wizard ever fall for a Wakefield?"

(um, like duh!)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This looks amazing!" Yes, it does, and I will tell you more.

Hobbit Heartache is a Sweet Valley High/Lord of the Rings crossover erotic fanfiction story. As perhaps the world's first of its kind, it has naturally been gathering buzz for a few weeks now. Here are a few early, unbiased reviews:

-"As far as novels go, this has all the elements of one. There were many, many words."-Heather, Roommate

-"An Instant Classic."--CBS-TV

-"Hobbit Heartache is...a...good...book." --Christina P., Business Woman

-"Taut, disorienting and genuinely creepy." -- John Powers, Vogue

-"What Ms. Clark has done here is to create a story whereby both The Lord of the Rings and Sweet Valley High are present." --Carla K. Thasman, The Daily Dog Bugle

-"It was...good [reading]." --Daniel K., Esq.

-"I was laughing and laughing and laughing." --Roger Ebert

-"I felt like I had read it before. Bravo!" --Velvet, Female

-"Superior to The Silence of the Lambs."--Johnathan Rosembaum, Chicago Reader

-"It wouldn't open in my email."--Jean C., Mother

-"Almost too sexy. It made me feel...uncomfortable."--Anonymous, Male

And there you have it. I'm not trying to brag here; that's just what they said. When you get glowing reviews like that, here's how you feel:




I raise the roof on an almost daily basis, but this time it had special meaning.

What's that? You DEMAND a synopsis?! Say no more:

It's Spring Break and the Wakefield twins and Sweet Valley High gang are heading to Middle-earth for two weeks of sun, revelry and the ultimate battle between good and evil!

At first Middle-earth doesn't seem to be too exciting. But soon the gang befriends a group of fun-loving hobbits, whose jovial ways suit Jessica just fine. The hobbits are so fun, Jessica has a hard time choosing her favorite! She finally decides she wants Frodo, yet he seems more interested in the hobbits than her, and his eyes sure seem to linger on Winston's size-eleven feet. Has Jessica finally found the man-creature she can't have?

And a mysterious older man in white has caught Elizabeth's eye. Who is this Gandalf, and how does he have so much wisdom? Elizabeth feels like she has finally met someone who understands her academic pursuits, like writing Sweet Valley High's acclaimed gossip column. But is Gandalf too good to be true?

...And with all this talk of a ring, will one of the twins soon be getting engaged? STAY TUNED!



Somehow, just somehow, the dry air of Middle-earth only seems to improve Jessica and Elizabeth's glowing complexions.

Now, yet again, I know what you're thinking. Sweet Valley High? The Lord of the Rings? Those are some of literature's most beloved and respected characters and I better treat them right. Well, don't worry; I've tackled tasks like this before. In my younger years, I penned a 46 page (non-erotic) Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction screenplay. And that project was so very wildly successful (so what if my screenplay was returned to me unopened not once, but TWICE, from Joss Whedon's office? So what if our trailer's YouTube views remain steady at 270? I judge a project's success by how embarrassed I am of it a few years later. And so far it's only mildly).

The bottom line is that you can trust me completely with these characters.



A face you can trust completely.

One (1) frequently asked question I've been receiving is if Buffy will find her way into this fanfiction. The answer is sadly no, because I don't think she could tolerate either of the Wakefield twins for more than five (5) minutes. Will the Family von Trapp make an appearance? I don't want to give it all away, but yes.



Captain von Trapp and Lila will clearly get it on.

*One small detail: I know next to nothing about The Lord of the Rings. I own the books but have yet to read them (they're on my list, I swear!). As for the movies, I saw a bit of the first one years ago but remember very little. I'm basing everything LoTR-related in this story off of what I've overheard from other people and my own notions of what I imagine LoTR to entail.

Which is pretty much this:



Now, I know the basics. There is a ring, there are hobbits and there is an epic journey. Brotherhood plays a part. I shall do my best to fill in the rest. My LoTR-loving (is there a word stronger than love? Something that ties in obsession? ) bf read my first Frodo-centric chapter and informed me there were numerous inaccuracies in the first (1st) sentence alone. So apparently hobbits don't wear sandals? Maybe they'd like to sometimes. And, like what, it's completely implausible that Frodo wouldn't be harboring a secret crush on Bilbo Baggins?



(I will admit that I did not know the two [2] were related when I began that erotic story line. And now I've gone too far to turn back. But look how happy they are!)

What else can I tell you about (the five existing chapters of ) Hobbit Heartache?

You will be shocked.



A few may laugh.



You will cry and need to be consoled/closely gripped by loved ones.



And since it's erotic fanfiction, well, things gonna happen. I can't tell you what, but you know how I love those (extremely misleading) teasers.










.

...And if you're a die-hard Lord of the Rings fan, you'll probably want to rage. Or cry and be gripped by a loved one again.

But remember it's all in good fun.

But also extremely serious.

Though I suspect only my mother (hi Mom!), my roommates (cable bill is due, guys) and confused Lord of the Rings fans who were misdirected by Google will be reading Hobbit Heartache, I invite you all to come along for the ride! I'll be posting chapters as I write them (in other words, very, very slowly). All of the gang will be there: Jessica & Elizabeth, Frodo & Bilbo, Bruce Patman & Winston, Samwise & Pippin, Lila & Mr. Jaworski and of course, Merry, the salacious hobbit who's finally grown tired of hiding his dark, lecherous ways.



You never once fooled me, Merry.

Chapter One coming soon!

PS- Many thanks go to Heather for helping to create the book cover. Work it, gurl!

PPS--If anyone would be interested in illustrating (the erotic crossover bestselling fanfiction) Hobbit Heartache, let's talk.