Samantha Clark Cuts it Off!

For anyone who has ever seen me in person or viewed a picture of me, you know that I have long, luxurious hair. It is shiny and silky and when I wash it, it smells like cleanliness. I would go as far to say that my long, luxurious hair is my trademark. Tyra has her fivehead, Conan O'Brien has his dance and I've got my hurr.

There it is.

What you may not know about my hurr is that I've been growing it out for the past year or so. I decided that at least once in my life, I'd like to grow out my hair and donate it to a charity that makes wigs for cancer patients. I've always been the person that says "Oh, that's sooo nice of you!" to people who've donated but then think to myself "Man, I could never do that" while stroking my long, luxurious hair.

Well, about a year and a half ago I decided it was time to suck it up, stop hanging onto my ego and grow my hair really, really long. And so I did.

I decided to donate my hair to an organization called Angel Hair for Kids. For most hair donations, you must donate at least 10 inches and your hair can't be chemically treated (no hair dyes, perms, etc.). No problem. I love having long hair and letting it run free and wild. My least favorite part of the process? Summer. Sweltering heat waves. Having long, luxuriously hot hair constantly sticking to the back of my neck. This has been Toronto's hottest summer that I can remember in a long time, so once we hit 42 degrees (Celsius) in humidity, I knew it was time to chop it all off.

When you go to cut your hair for a donation, you put your hair in either a long braid or a ponytail. You sit in the chair and one second your hair is there, the next you're feeling a cool breeze on the back of your neck.

My ponytail went from this...

...TO THIS!!!

Instead of donating it, I decided to place it gently upon my roommate's pillow day after day and see how long it took for her to move out.

Nah just kidding, I mailed that creepy ponytail off to Angel Hair for Kids. I hope it makes a beautiful wig for a child in need. I apologize for the many, many split ends.

So you might be wondering what I look like with my new 'do. It's eleven inches shorter and the shortest I've had it since I was maybe five. It's like a mix of the "Rihanna" and Demi Moore, circa G.I. Jane. Or a mix of the "Rachel" and the "Halle Berry."

BEHOLD MY NEW HAIR.

I like it. It's shiny (almost like I'm the one wearing a wig!) and it makes me feel like a business professional in somewhere exotic, like Russia. People have finally starting taking me seriously with my new hair. It's so pretty, I don't even mind the odd person asking me if I'm Robin Williams in the middle of being made into a woman.

There are worse celebrity doppelgangers, that's for damn sure.

HA! You all just got punked, big time. That's not my hair. That's not even close to my hair. That was a PHOTOSHOPPED picture created by my main man Zak to try and predict what my hair would look like. Which was a horrible idea on my part. Seeing that picture months before the big cut made me terrified for the actual results.

...which were...for real this time...

This.

I actually do like it--my showering time has been cut in half and it feels so much nicer in the summer. Sometimes I feel a little "mom-ish" but it's growing on me. And totally worth it for a good cause.

And in case you were wondering what my new hair looks like when I'm at work (you know, my job as a trend forecaster), I'll put your mind at ease.

New hair at work in office lighting.

I don't want all of you to think I'm the only person donating hair around here--Zak has joined me in this endeavor as well. He allowed me to donate his old rat tail (grown for a role in a prestigious film). I tossed it in with my ponytail, because every child deserves the chance to have the rat tail (or single bang) of his/her dreams.

And listen up, it takes 10-12 donated ponytails to make one hairpiece, so if you've been thinking about growing and donating, just do it! It's fun, feels good and forces you to make some life changes. Plus, as an added bonus, if you decide to donate your hair, send me a picture of your donated ponytail and I'll make you a collage of something. Maybe pictures of hair. Or cats. Whatever motivates you. So probably cats.

Cut it Out, Detroit! The Motorama Motel

A few readers have complained to me that my blog isn't
"cosmopolitan" enough, that it doesn't leave my small world of cereal, Buffy and fashion and venture out into the real world. That it doesn't fit today's jet-set lifestyle of waking up in Toronto one day and flying to Italy the next. Well, readers, I've heard you. And I want you to have the world.

Starting NOW, my blog will feature traveling posts, where I share my tales of traveling the world. I'll discuss cultures, cuisine, airplanes, tips and even practical stuff like the weather. My goal with these new "cosmopolitan" traveling posts is to inspire my readers to see the beauty and wonder that is out there waiting for them in the world, if only they go out and find it.

Ergo, my first travel post is a review of the Motorama Motel located in Detroit, Michigan.

VENUE: MOTORAMA MOTEL

LOCATION: 100 W 8 Mile Road, Ferndale, MI, 48220, USA (close proximity to Detroit)

CONTACT: 1-248-547-9770 (phone)

Some back story first: When my girlfriends Velvet, Heather, Leslie and I were planning a road trip, the obvious choice was Detroit. The only question was "Where should we stay?"

We spent some research time on Google maps and checked out reviews of nearby hotels. Here's a choice sampling of reviews of several Michigan hotels:

The Knights Inn:

"Worst hotel ever! Stained sheets, bugs in room dirty stained carpet, door didn't lock properly. Towels dirty & stained. I would not stay there again if it was free!"

"We ordered a non-smoking room that REEKED of smoke and had two ashtrays in it. There were no clocks...There was hair on my fiance's pillow when we got there that wasn't ours. There was silly string hanging from a lamp and on the wall that never got cleaned previously."

America's Best Value Inn:

"It needs to be torn down and rebuilt. It's dirty doors are broken and dirty carpets needs replaced lighting is bad. I had to clean my own room. Laundry is terrible. Its a not suitable to be even rated. ...‎"

and lastly,

The Royal Inn Motel:

"BAD PLACE!!!‎‎ VERY BAD PLACE!!!!! DRUG HOTEL......BE AWARE!!!!! PLEASE DONT BRING YOUR KIDS HERE!!!!!....."

"Employee here rapes woman!‎‎"

Of the same motel: "Reasonably-priced, handicapped-accessible rooms feature king- and queen-sized beds and standard amenities; fireplace and Jacuzzi tubs available at some locations....‎"

Ohh, a Jacuzzi!!!

So after weighing the pros and cons of each establishment (clocks/no clocks, silly string in room/no silly string in room, rape/no rape), we made the obvious choice and decided to book our stay in the MOTORAMA MOTEL. It had zero reviews (that's a good thing, right?!) and after seeing the street view pic which looked like an empty lot, how could we resist?

OFF TO DETROIT WE GO!

Here we are, so happy and clean and excited to spend the night in Detroit. We're pumped about the Motorama Motel and all that it potentially has to offer us (we're also a little excited about checking out Butch Walker and the Black Widows that night in a fancy Detroit nightclub, the Magic Bag. Yes, that's the real name. And yes, we felt funny telling the Border officers that we were heading to the Magic Bag for a night o' fun. ).

WE MADE IT!


This was one of the first sights that greeted us after walking into the Motorama Motel's spacious lobby--the broken ice machine. Which was really disappointing, because after a five hour car ride (one hour spent sitting in the massive traffic line at the Border), we all wanted to relax with a bucket of ice. Not meant to be, I guess. However, the front desk DID have single Magnum condoms for $2.00 each. That's way cheaper than in Canada!

The staff man at the desk gave us a key and told us we should take a look at our room before paying. I figured it was maybe like how when you order wine in a fine restaurant, they pour you a bit to taste before you commit to the entire bottle. It was not like that. After struggling with our door for an embarrassing amount of time, we finally managed to bust into our room. We were greeted by the smell of cigarette smoke and wet, possibly moldy dogs, which was strange because we requested a smoke-free room and were told we couldn't bring wet dogs. After realizing we only had about 30 minutes before our Butch Walker concert, we paid our $60 fee (plus a $5.00 deposit for the key and TV remote control).

WELCOME TO THE MOTOROMA MOTEL!

Velvet and our deluxe platinum suite 128.

So, of course the first thing four gals want to do after a five hour car trip is use the washroom, maybe take some quick showers, wash hands and freshen up for a special night in Detroit.

...Hey! I think we found the source of the wet, moldy dog scent. We could probably also do some CSI-type dusting and find DNA of the last inhabitants of our room, who are most likely in nursing homes now, rocking and reminiscing about the golden years of the Motorama Motel.

...And a closeup. All forms of showers were quickly nixed. As well as hand washing. A pact was also made never to remove our shoes while in the room, even while asleep.

Looks like we're having fun, right? Just a few girls pre-drinking Miller Lite (nice....), listening to some tunes and putting makeup on before a concert. WRONG. We had to get ready in complete silence because a group of men pulled up in a pickup truck outside of our room and began banging on the room right next to ours and yelling for the residents to come out. We instantly froze, turned off our music, pulled our curtains shut tight and ceased all talking, except for quickly devising an emergency exit plan (me lying down on the floor, doing a kip up and then knocking both men out while Heather, Leslie and Velvet run out of the room). You can see the fear in Velvet and Heather's eyes if you look closely.

Here's the device that we placed all of our faith in, our door lock which looked like someone had taken a shotgun to it.

The men soon needed a break from their terrifying antics and took off in their pickup truck to pick up more beer and chainsaws. We used this time to take in more of our room's amenities and quirks.

What's this? Some ketchup on the ceiling? Ketchup looking suspiciously like dried blood? Oh well, no harm in a little ceiling blood. As long as it's not on the mattresses, right?!

GOD DAMMIT.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL.

After a mild freak-out re: blood bed, we realized maybe we were taking the wrong approach to our room. I mean, we're in Detroit. In a motel that offers rooms by the hour. OF COURSE there's blood on the bed/ceiling! It was time to embrace Detroit and her many customs. So after Velvet and I called the non-blood bed, I went to hang up my coat in the closet, which happened to be occupied by an extremely heavy piece of wood. We played the "what the hell is this?" game with it for awhile before realizing it was the blood bed's missing headboard.

See the bare patches of wood and all the chipped paint above the bed? Missing headboard territory. And yes, Heather and Leslie got stuck with both the blood bed and missing headboard bed. And yes, they are complete slobs. You two deserved the bed of shame.

TIME TO GO SEE BUTCH WALKER AND THE BLACK WIDOWS!

We talked to some of the band and told them we were staying at the Motorama Motel. They were all like "Ohhh shittt." Instant street cred.

After an awesome three hour concert, we cabbed it home to our sweet abode, drunk but definitely not drunk enough.


You know what's fun? Stains on bedspreads that magically appear when you take a picture of them! Also fun: sleeping fully clothed to avoid any kind of contact with the sheets, using towels as pillowcases and seriously debating whether we should sleep in Leslie's two -door compact car. We did all of these things and more at the Motorama Motel!

Someone broke our "never take off your shoes while in the room EVER" pact and that same person really regretted doing so. Note jacket used as pillow and a refusal to sleep under the blankets.

Finally, the soft sunbeams of morning shone into Room 128. The daylight really brought out more of our room's subtle charms that we had somehow managed to miss the night before in our Miller Lite haze. Like artwork! In a frame! Sure, the glass frame had a huge, jagged crack in it and the picture was a bit unoriginal, but we appreciated the effort.

Motorama Motel, seriously, take the time to thank your interior designer. They served you well.

We decided to get the hell out of there about five minutes after we woke up, so we threw our stuff into bags and hightailed it. Conveniently, we were already dressed head-to-toe (H2T) from the night before, saving us about one minute. Which we actually appreciated.

On the way out, we ran into Motorama Motel's hardest working employee, the cleaning man. Notice how he's equipped with merely a vacuum. Zero clean bedding or towels, no disinfectant spray, no cleaning agents and NO MINTS. That's okay, vacuuming is really important too; most Motorama guests probably rave about the lack of apparent dust balls on the floor. And strangely enough, our room was still somehow dusty.

FINAL GRADE: D plus. They earned the plus because we survived the (terror-filled) night and walked away with only a few suspicious-looking red (bed bug? Towel as pillow marks? ) bites. A Detroit souvenir.

My advice to my fellow travellers considering a stay at the Motorama Motel would be to bring your own sheets, pillows, pillow cases, blankets, shower curtain, shower shoes, snow suit (or wet suit, as long as it encases your entire body leaving no skin exposed) for sleeping, some sort of weapon for protection (unless you're really good at kip ups) and maybe a car to sleep in after you're still grossed out by your beds.

Goodbye, Motorama Motel. I look forward to writing my Google review of you.

Readers, I hope you enjoyed my first cosmopolitan travelling post and that you feel a little more inspired to see the world! If so, I've done my job.

WE WILL NOT STOP.

For those of you who think that the Great Grains saga has come to a conclusion or that it's quietly been put to rest, I say HA! It occupies an enormous amount of my thoughts. When I last updated, Kraft had informed me that they had recently sold Great Grains and it was now under new ownership. Exit Collies & Kim from the story (goodbye, my dear, most unhelpful friends).

Enter a few new characters--Post Foods LLC and a one Micheal Carpenter. To congratulate Post Foods on their new grainy acquisition, I sent them a letter briefing them on my long history with Great Grains, my roller coaster relationship with Kim and Collies from Kraft, the letter-writing campaign, everything. I pretty much spilled my guts and heart to them, hoping to forge a new friendship.

Read it below.

Pretty nice, huh? I tried to make a good first impression--cordial, enthusiastic, yet a bit forward. Goal-oriented. I felt very optimistic that we could turn things around this time.

A few weeks later I received a response from Post in the mail. Any hopes I had of a bright beginning were crushed in the first sentence of the letter. Read on to be dismayed.

Wow, Michael Carpenter. Way to crush my hopes and dreams in a single word.

"We are so happy to learn that you enjoy Discontinued and appreciate your interest."

First of all, he obviously needs a better proofreader, as I doubt he actually meant to refer to Great Grains as "Discontinued" and secondly, I already don't like him. Michael made his biggest mistake when he told me that there are no plans to bring Great Grains to Canada due to low demand.

I beg to differ.

I immediately knew it was time to up my game. I decided to show Michael Carpenter and Post Foods exactly how many Canadians would like to eat Great Grains every single day of their lives. I began a simple petition and spent the next few weeks asking all kinds of people (office managers, dodgeball athletes, artists, theater ushers, men, etc.) to sign my petition. After I received 100 signatures (just a hint of what's to come, Post Foods), I mailed this letter and my petition back to Michael at Post Foods.

MY ANGRY LETTER

As you can see, the petition looks pretty beat-up and worn because it travelled everywhere with me for a few weeks. The most common questions I received were "Is this for real?" (YES.) and "What's so great about this cereal?" (Umm, crunchy pecans and clusters PLUS grains). I also received quite a few requests to do similar petitions for Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, Oreo O's, Frosted Cheerios, pretty much any cereal only sold in the USA (one cereal battle at a time, folks). Many other people told me I should create an online petition or a Facebook group, which may indeed happen, but for now I wanted to do a good, old-fashioned handwritten one.

So what's going on right now? Well, I'm playing the waiting game with Post, checking my mailbox everyday for signs of a letter and checking my front porch for signs of a huge Great Grains shipment delivery. So far, nothing. Not even a letter or a tiny, sample size box of GG. I think it would be quite cowardly of Post Foods and Michael not to respond to this and I would be pretty sad after all of that work. But you know what, if that happens, then Phase 2 will have to begin. Which will be a petition with a THOUSAND names on it. Including some celebrities (probably my man Anthony Stewart-Head). If you're a non-Canadian who would like to support the cause, write your name in the comments section and I will put you on the next one. And thank you so much to all of the wonderful people who did sign. And to everyone reading this, I say:

TOGETHER, WE WILL WIN.

Meatless May Update

Now that May is more than halfway done, it's time for an update on Meatless May! For readers who haven't read my blog in a few weeks (ahem my good friend LESLIE, who busted herself last week by naively asking me what a kip-up was), I decided to challenge myself and give up meat for the month of May. I also went ahead and decided to kibosh dairy as well, so I've consumed zero meat or dairy for the past 18 days.

So how's it been? If I had to give an answer in just two words, I'd say "surprisingly easy." I knew the meat part would be no sweat, especially with all of the vegetarian options out there today. I thought that exempting dairy from my diet would be a huge struggle and was halfway preparing myself to try and reason my way out of it after two weeks or so ("Ice cream doesn't REALLY count as dairy, right?" Wrong.). But you know what? Doing no dairy has pretty much been a breeze as well! It also helps that my roommate Velvet (who is, coincidentally, my number one blog commenter) decided to forgo meat and dairy as well for the month.

Here are some of the major changes we've made this month:

I used to drink at least 1 glass of skim milk a day and generously fill my cereal bowl with it...

(*Here in Canada, we drink milk from bags. Bags! It's a change that after 7 years in Canada I'm still not completely used to.)

Now, my bag o' milk has now been replaced by rice milk (Velvet prefers soy).

I thought this would be the hardest switch to make, but really, rice and soy milk are pretty tasty. I wouldn't ever pour myself a big glass of rice milk on its own, but in cereal it substitutes for milk just fine. I actually found substituting rice milk for cream in my morning coffee has been a harder switch to make, as the taste just isn't the same as delicious, creamy cream. As a result, I drink less coffee (which can't be a bad thing).

On the meat end of things, I used to eat chicken...

(*And yes, our chicken dinners always looked like the above picture. Either that or in nugget/finger form, which is pretty much the same, you know?)

Now it's goodbye real chicken, hello soy chicken!

We've been eating a few of Gardein's meatless "garden protein" options. The best one by far has been the Santa Fe Good Stuff version, which is filled with beans. Overall though, I gotta say, these haven't gone over big in our house. They have a weird texture which somewhat successfully mimics meat, and while eating it you think to yourself "Hey, these aren't too horrible, I guess" but then afterwards you realize that you dipped every bite in mustard or some kind of condiment to disguise the taste. On that note, I've become a huge fan of Kozlik's Canadian Mustard (especially the Amazing Maple one), which is both local in Toronto and preservative-free. Thanks for getting me through some rough dinners, guys!

And you know I have to mention cereal. Before, my go-to cereal was....do I even need to say?

In one of the world's cruelest pranks ever played on me, Great Grains contains milk ingredients and is therefore off limits. What's even worse is that I just returned from a road trip to Detroit (more on that later) and picked up 5 boxes of Great Grains to add to my stockpile. So now I have at least 7 boxes of Great Grains on top of my fridge, taunting me every morning with their crunchy pecans and grainy greatness. My life is hard.

Since Great Grains are a no-go, I now eat Nature's Path organic dairy-free cereals.

SO GOOD! I've loved pretty much every option I've tried. They're a little pricey (around $5 per box), but since I've received $26.00 in free coupons from Nature's Path due to a letter I wrote them about a gigantic cereal cluster found in my cereal (perhaps more on that later, too), I'm set for awhile. And might I take this time to say that Nature's Path's superior customer service has really endeared their cereal to me and made me a faithful buyer (Kim and Collies from Post, hang your heads in shame).

As you can see, we've had plenty of alternatives and therefore haven't had to struggle too much.

I think I miss yogurt the most (though some days I REALLY want a piece of pizza with some feta), whereas Velvet pines for cheese and chocolate. And I should probably mention that living in a city like Toronto, which is so accepting of all kinds of lifestyles and has readily available organic/vegan/vegetarian supplies, makes it so much easier. On our recent road trip to Detroit, it suddenly became MUCH harder to stick to the plan. I think the idea of having vegetarian options on a menu is a foreign concept to downtown Detroit (don't even waste your time wishing for vegan options). At one diner, the only viable dinner options were the stuffed zucchini appetizers or single vegetable sides (I know, I know, I shouldn't complain; I'm sure a can of corn can be a really satisfying dinner sometimes).The next day we drove to 3 different restaurants before finding one which had even basic non-meat options. Hey, at least you've got Target going for you, Detroit.

Damn you, IHOP, and your delicious looking breakfasts. Do you know that IHOP has a new pancake breakfast called "New York Cheesecake Pancakes?" I don't even know what they are, but I wanted them. Still do.

With only 13 days left of the month, you might be wondering if I've felt any different without meat or dairy. I didn't weigh myself at the beginning of the month because I never weigh myself (willingly), but I do feel a bit slimmer and less weighed down. I get my protein by eating lots of beans, spinach salads, eggs (I didn't give up eggs and go completely vegan) and nuts, so I've been feeling strong and fairly energetic. I've also started reading the ingredients on EVERYTHING, which is a great /scary habit to pick up. If the ingredients sound too unpronounceable and chemically, then just think about that going into your body (before I start sounding too preachy, I will mention that I'm still a big fan of McCain Smiles and could eat a whole tray of them for dinner).

I'll do a final review at the beginning of the June while I'm eating my cheese-drenched meat-stuffed burger and vanilla milkshake, but until then, I'm sticking to no meat or dairy. I can check out this website if I need a meat fix.

Bacon cheddar cheese filled mug, anyone? Ugh.

...As for kip-up progress, I don't want to talk about it. My friend Jesse managed to do one after 3 attempts (in his work pants, no less)(I now hate him). I still haven't accomplished this goal but have taken to practicing at my day job on a yoga mat when my boss goes to lunch. I'm a real career-focused woman, as you can see.

Stay strong on your May challenges, everyone! Anyone know a good dairy free cheesecake pancake recipe to share?

Cut it out, Moms!

This post is to celebrate all of the moms of the world (since I'm sure my blog's readership is made up of primarily moms ). I truly believe that mothers are more often than not the ones who keep the households together, who put their kids' needs waaaay before theirs and who are willing to work three jobs if that's what it takes. And speaking of all of that, here's a bit about my own Mom, who did all of the above and more.



My Mom is a mother who is supportive of virtually everything I do. I started playing the flute when I was 10 years old (the reason I picked the flute was because she had played it as well when she was younger and I thought it was really cool. Later I would learn that the flute is not necessarily what you would call a "cool" instrument). She then spent the next 7 years driving me to flute lessons, auditions, recitals and flute choir (yes, a flute choir is a real thing). She encouraged me to learn the oboe in 8th grade (the oboe being the most annoying instrument to listen to if the player has not mastered it, which I never did), join the marching band in high school and wear a bumblebee costume while performing "Flight of the Bumblebee" at 17 in a high school pageant. She also listened to me practice "Flight of the Bumblebee" at home for months leading up to the pageant, never once complaining, even when it made our 2 dogs howl. THAT is a good mom.

My brother and my other various hobbies growing up included going out in public in dance costumes and tap shoes (mine), raising baby mice and taking in stray cats (my bro's), entering different radio contests held by the Cartoon Network that involved changing our home answering machine message to "Cartoon, Cartoon" (both of us) and holding practices in our living room for a punk rock band (my bro's). My mom not only tolerated but encouraged all of these activities.

My Mom is also an amazing mom because she lets my brother have his life-sized "Creature from the Black Lagoon" cut-out be openly displayed in our house and never once complained. What a lady.

In honor of Mother's Day, here are some of my other favorite well-known moms:

1.) Jean Weir (played by Becky Ann Baker), from Freaks and Geeks


Jean's not the coolest mom out there; she wouldn't let her daughter Lindsay go to a The Who concert and has a tendency to read diaries, but she loves her kids and just wants to make them happy. Her sweetness could be misread for having no backbone, but don't forget, this is the same lady who once told her husband to wash his own dishes in a streak of boldness. She makes me smile.

2.) Joyce Summers (played by Kristine Sutherland), from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Come on, of COURSE Buffy's mom is on here! Joyce kind of started out as a bit of a drag, always wanting Buffy to go to school and confide in her and all of that, but she later turned out to be a pretty awesome mom. Sure, maybe she would have preferred that her daughter be the Homecoming Queen instead of The Chosen One, but Joyce soon adapted and grew used to the ample amount of time Buffy spent in cemeteries and the amount of blood found on her clothes. And really, any mom that can chill with Spike has a place on this list.

3.) Maria Von Trapp (played by Julie Andrews), from The Sound of Music

Maria was actually a step-mom, but a great mother nonetheless. How fun would it be to have Maria Von Trapp (or maybe even just Julie Andrews) as your mom? Every time you came to her with a problem, she could put her advice in a song. You want a new outfit, she'd cut up the carpet and fashion you a dress. Plus, you know she's got your back in a thunderstorm, which is a major bonus. Maria's only downsides are an inability to properly manage a rowboat and a tendency to forget punctuality. The Nazis are also not a fan of her.

4.) Roseanne, from Roseanne

Now, I understand that some people might be surprised by this choice, but I've always loved Roseanne. Out of all the moms on this list, Roseanne definitely keeps it the most real. She never panders to her kids or hesitates to tell one of the to shut up. And really, maybe kids need to hear that once in awhile. Roseanne worked her butt off for her family and put her kids' needs in front of hers, but also never apologized for serving a can of tuna (or beans) for dinner. However, she never really seemed to notice when her eldest daughter suddenly disappeared and was replaced by an imposter, so maybe her placement on this list DOES need to be debated.

And what's more fun than a great mom? A really, really bad one.

1.) Mrs. Flax (played by Cher), from Mermaids


Mrs. Flax was a complicated mom. Serving your kids only appetizers because you can't cook? Not healthy, but fun. Wearing the sexiest outfits in town when your eldest daughter is an aspiring nun? Not extremely thoughtful. Kissing your daughter's crush while tipsy? Downright mean. Moving your kids to a new town every time you earn the reputation of a homewrecker? Could be traumatizing. Still, Mrs. Flax meant well and maybe made a better friend to her kids than a mom.

2.) Any mother (and father) of a child featured on My Super Sweet Sixteen

If anyone is not familiar with this addictingly awful and cringe-inducing show, it's a reality show that follows rich families throwing their daughter/son a sweet 16 birthday party. The parties take excess to a new level, with the child usually throwing temper tantrums every few minutes, requesting brand new cars, celebrity appearances, custom-made ballgowns and cakes and pretty much everything but a mortgage on a brand new house. I actually find this show to be stressful when I watch it, as I want to hurt both the spoiled kid and the enabling parents. Here are some pics and captions I found on My Super Sweet Sixteen's website that will give you a taste of the show:


"Bobby wants some sexy dancers for his party so he holds a private audition at his house."


"Instead of a new car for her sweet 16, Geri wants an exotic animal so she goes to an alpaca farm to check a few out."

"Margaret Ann ends up getting not only the Hummer, but a matching wave runner as well!"

For shame, parents.

3.) Mary (played by Mo'Nique) from Precious

BAD MOM.

4.) Margaret White (Carrie's Mom) in Carrie

Carrie's mom is a bad mom for a variety of reasons. She's a religious fanatic, so she's not up for much fun. She has tons of candles and religious icons in the house, which is a safety hazard. When Carrie receives her first period, her mom tells her it's a result of her sinning, which is just misinformed. She regularly locks Carrie in her room and makes her pray, refers to her as evil witch and even stabs Carrie in the back (literally). Carrie's mom definitely tops the "Bad Mom" list and provides us with a few lessons on how not to parent (most important rule being don't stab your children while calling them evil).

After this extensive review of mothers, I just hope that when I have kids someday, I'll be the type of mother my own Mom is, where I could call her up tomorrow and say "Hey Mom, I think I want to be become a transvestite drag queen," and her reply would be "That's great, honey; when is your first show?" I love you, Mom! Happy Mother's Day to moms everywhere!